Dear Male Children of the World,
Gather 'round the fire pit for a little chat. Be ready to receive the most excellent tip for the betterment of your lives. In fact, this one tip will be instrumental in your ability to actually WIN a bride one day. This it GOLD! And life changing! Listen up.
There will be times in your life when gym shorts and Nike's are not going to cut the mustard. I know... this is difficult to hear, but the truth will set you free. Sometimes there will be occasions when you'll have to wear the dress pants. I know... I hear your groan... and I can certainly sympathize. But this is something you must learn now, or you will be alone for the rest of your lives. I understand how that sounds AWESOME at the moment. You're 12... I get it. But one day you really will want a wife... YOU WILL. And no self-respecting girl will meet a guy in gym shorts at the alter. Not gonna happen. If you are able to pull that off you will be the hero of the male people world-wide. But I'm sorry to tell you, many strong and handsome men before you have tried... and failed... so this is most likely not in your future.
You see, female children have been dressing up since the day they were brought home from the hospital. Their mothers dressed them in adorable, lacy, beautiful clothing with bows and sparkles and everything your mother finds fantastic. But the mothers of little boys are behind the curve. We dressed you for comfort so you could run around a play. Oh sure... some moms dressed their sons in sweater vests and bow ties, but by the time those boys were three, they revolted against their mothers and insisted on the gym shorts and blue jeans. This is how life has been for you for 12 years now... and it has been glorious for you. I Know! You're welcome for the comfortable years I was able to provide for you. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you are almost men now; and men have learned to suck it up and wear the dress-up clothing.
Why must you wear them today? Because your band teacher says so.
No, you cannot wear blue jeans to the band competition instead of gym shorts.
Because her letter specifically says to "dress nice".
I understand that your blue jeans are new and are pretty nice. But that's not what she means.
Why is she requiring this? Because Mrs. Carter hates you. It's true.. she does. All of the band kids are aware of this. Even the boys. Oh sure... they don't want to wear the "fancy pants" either, but once their mothers told them it was to make your head explode... they were totally IN.
Why would your friends do that? Because guy friends are butt-holes. Get used it it. This is how life will be with the guy friends.
Oh sweetheart you look so great in the "fancy pants". You do. But honey.... the Nike's... they don't really work here.
Why? Because they are orange and also because of the whole "Mrs. Carter hates you" thing.
Remember those "fancy shoes" I bought for your Christmas band concert? Try those!
What do you mean they are too small? You wore them four months ago!
OKAY... lets look in your dad's closet, man-child of mine with the giant feet.
Oh wow... that works. You look wonderful, my son. You make me proud.
But honey... lets talk about the socks....
So, Dear Reader, how is YOUR Saturday going?