Lori's House of Crazy

Because This is How Things Are Done Around Here

2011-11-12T21:12:00.012-05:00

I can't believe it's been over three months since my last post. Let me assure you this house is still really REALLY crazy. These boys do some stuff that makes me shake my head and giggle. The problem is, as they've grown we have achieved a whole new level of crazy. One might even say we've graduated to full-on INSANITY here in the duckling home. We've got the same old stuff going on but it's turbo-charged with about 1000 times the energy. These boys are literally pinging off the walls most of the time. And me... I'm just hanging on for dear life. So, the blog has taken a back seat to... you know... survival and whatnot.

So anyway, it's been awhile since I've blogged. However, this little nugget of glee was just begging to be posted. The other day I stepped into the bathroom and this is what I saw!

The sheer absurdity of it all made me laugh really hard. In case you can't quite grasp what you're looking at, let me offer some assistance. Here we have two tooth brushes that have been taped to the bathroom wall with ... wait for it... Band Aids. What?... you didn't know this is the cool new way to store your toothbrush? Well me either. But it gets better. You see, we don't just tape our toothbrushes to the wall near the sink. Because that would be too obvious. We tape them to the wall about 1 foot from the floor BEHIND the bathroom door. Because OF COURSE we do!

It's good to see the ducklings begin to display some organizational skills. I mean... things ARE being put away. Who am I to judge WHERE they put their things? I'm just happy I'm not stepping on gooey tooth-paste smeared brushes that have been left on the stairs. I'm just say'n....

Three cheers for ingenuity and excellent problem solving skills! Woo hoo

"Mommy, I Brushed My Teeth With A Golf Ball!"

2011-08-03T02:04:00.006-04:00

..... to which I replied, "hmm.. that's nice, go get into bed".

Yes, I just did the "I'm-totally-not-listening-to-you-because-I-just-want-you-to-GET-INTO-BED-already" thing.

I'm ashamed... I am!

So anyway, a few hours later I began to ponder my 4-year-old's puzzling message. What exactly did he mean by "I brushed my teeth with a golf ball"? After a small investigation I have cracked his code and can provide a translation to his cryptic message. Here's what he meant:

"I BRUSHED MY TEETH WITH A GOLF BALL!!!"

I know because I found a GOLF BALL in the sink with toothpaste smeared all over it. Yeah... it was lovely. So then I got to thinking about that. How DOES a person brush with a golf ball, exactly? I mean... the logistics of it all... how would that work? Especially if you're four and your mouth is small and..... oh never mind. I really don't want to know.

So is that kind of creativity a brand new level of genius....or something else entirely?

And also... I think when I finally do write my book I'll title it "Tales from the Other Side of Sanity". I think that works well.... all things considered! :o)

Today I'm Genius... Be Warned!

2011-07-11T11:33:00.004-04:00

SOMEBODY got into the Oreo cookies and left evidence all over the place. Of course it was "Notme" that did it. That kid is to blame for everything around here. I find it interesting that "Notme" has so much involvement in our family when I don't recall his birth at all. Anyhooo... All three boys stood in front of me and insisted that "Notme" was the culprit. So I had this genius idea. I made them all show me their teeth. I inspected all of their teeth, looking for that tell-tale Oreo crud that gets stuck in the molars. "Doah", I thought, "nobody has cookie in their teeth". But before I let my face break and accepted defeat, I came up with another genius idea. I said to them "Okay.. I know exactly which one of you did it. If you continue to lie it will be much worse for you. This is your last chance." Turns out "Notme" has been vindicated. One of the Ducklings immediately confessed. LOL

Yep... it was a flash of brilliance I tell ya! :o)

Wow! Just...... WOW!

2011-06-27T00:18:00.019-04:00

Yeah... that's what Army Guy says to me when I do something so completely stupid he can't even believe it. This is one of those "WOW!" stories. I'm reaching back about 18 months for this one. Stick with me because you will not be disappointed. This story is 100% true... you just can't make this stuff up. So sit back and enjoy yet another glimpse into my crazy world.

Scene:
Cleaning up after an army wives event and talking with some friends.

Cast of characters:
Me: the completely crazy one
Tiffany: mother of 4 boys and 1 girl. She totally gets me (she's crazy too)
Holly: Waaaayyyy too polite. And able to keep a straight face during the following conversation.

Tiffany: Oohhhhh... my stomach hurts so bad.
Me: where does it hurt?
Tiffany: all over my abdomen... front and back
Holly: are you gassy?
Tiffany: no but I get this really bad ache every time I eat
Me: is it your digestive system?
Tiffany: I don't know.. it just hurts here (pointing to abdomen). It hurts all over.
Me: Maybe it's your colon... or .... what's that other thing in there?
Tiffany: I'm not sure
Me: you know.. there's a big one and a small one... what is that word?
Tiffany: blank stare
Me: You know... Oh, that's right... your colon and your semi-colon
Holly: (weird look on her face)
Tiffany: Maybe that's it

(short pause: you shouldn't laugh at the verbally challenged... it's rude)

Me: I'll bet you have some sort of blockage in your semi-colon.
Tiffany: I could... that might be it
Me: When will you see the doctor?
Tiffany: I have an apt on Tuesday... I don't think I can make it. I get sick every time I eat. It hurts so bad.
Me: you should tell your doctor it feels like there's a blockage or something in your semi-colon
Me (thinking): "I'm not sure that's the right word... but it's close... I'll remember it eventually"

Okay... so this conversation goes on and on for about 20 minutes. Tiffany and I are SERIOUSLY discussing her "semi-colon" and how it hurts so bad. I'm not making this up! Holly stands there, politely listening to us ... she doesn't say a word. She probably thinks she's being punk'd.

Fast forward three hours. Suddenly, I remember the word. "oh... wait..." I think to myself, "I meant small and large intestines."

Fast forward another 5 minutes. "hmmm... why did I think it was a semi-colon? That word sounds sooo familiar... what's a semi-colon?....."

Fast forward another 5 minutes. Somewhere deep inside my brain... waaaaayyy in the back... a dusty file labeled "Archived Words/English" is accessed. My brain opens the file to discover that a semi-colon is.....

OOHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYY GOOOSSSHHH!"

Then the laughing begins. You know.. the kind where you are crying and you can't speak or breathe? The kind where all you can do is lay on the floor... TRY to catch a breath and hope you don't pee your pants... yeah... that kind of laughing. As soon as I could speak, I called Tiffany and attempted to explain what a complete moron I was. Tiffany really only heard high pitched squeaks.

Ah yeah... good times. The army moved Tiffany's family about six months ago. I miss her a ton. Anyone who can seriously discuss her semi-colon with me... and just instinctively KNOW what I mean without even questioning my intelligence... that's a friend who totally get's me. We were so engrossed in the status of her hurting belly that neither of us stopped to realize exactly what we were talking about. We were completely in sync.

Every now and then I get a posting on my facebook wall from Tiffany. "ooohhh... my semi-colon hurts sooo bad". And every time she does that, it just slays me all over again. That will always be funny!

One day I hope the army will move us close to Tiffany again. But in the meantime... we will always have her semi-colon. And nobody can take that away! :o)

Ruh-Ro... Access DENIED!

2011-06-13T00:33:00.013-04:00

At approximately 8:37 pm, the above sign was posted on Matthew's bedroom door. He wrote the message himself (I'm pretty sure) and only asked for help in spelling the days of the week. Those of you who may have misplaced your "kindergarten-to-English" dictionary, miiiggghhhttt have some difficulty in translating the message. Here... let me offer some assistance. I'm fluent in "kindergarten".

first sign
"Matthew
No coming into my room when it is not on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday".

second sign
"only if you do not spill popcorn or coke"

Okay... spelling and awful sentence structure aside...I'm pretty proud of my kindergarten graduate who has been able both construct and WRITE his message without any assistance. What does he MEAN? Well... here's how I would have said it:

"Daniel and Andrew, you are permitted to enter my bedroom on Fridays only, IF you can keep from spilling your popcorn and coke all over my flipp'n room. Thanks, Matthew"

What I find hilarious is that Andrew and Daniel cannot read. But... they got the message loud and clear when I read it to them. Daniel responded with "That's NO FAIR". And Andrew had a comment along the lines of "Me not want Maffew come in MY room... me make a password for he not come in".

And thus began the great Duckling feud of 2011. Andrew had me copy this password down and tape it to the INSIDE of their bedroom door.

Shhhh... don't tell Matthew! He will be denied entry unless he can come up with this SUPER SECRET password. Guys... this is SERIOUS! In addition to the password, Daniel has placed a TRAP on the floor outside of their door. Words cannot adequately describe this genius design. Just trust me... it's an unspeakable level of security!

And me? Well.... with the ducklings all focused on their border protection and whatnot... I have noticed a slight decrease in such activities as lipstick art on walls. So I gotta call that a WIN for the mama! Bummer about the feud though. :o)

Fishing 101

2011-06-04T23:49:00.010-04:00

There comes a moment in every young lad's life when fishing skills are a must. This spring, Army Guy felt it was time to pass his vast knowledge of fishing on to his sons. So, the Ducklings were presented with the following treasures:

1 Spiderman fishing pole
1 Batman fishing pole
1 "Cars" fishing pole

Three guesses which pole EVERYBODY wanted. Yep... Spiderman... DUH! (Army Guy is new... apparently.) Once we bribed... er.. I mean convinced a couple little boys to settle for the Batman and Cars poles, Army Guy was able to begin instruction on "casting". Army Guy is a really great teacher and he gave a fantastic lesson. The Ducklings had it down! Yeah... not so much... here's what Army Guy came home to the next day:

* Fishing line wrapped around the ceiling fan about 57 times. Apparently, the phrase "we don't cast from the bridge over our living room" was overlooked during training.

* Fishing line and sinker caught in the neighbor's rain gutter. Oh yeah... and fishing line strewn throughout the lawn... wrapped around a tree...and the mailbox... with the fishing pole finally discovered under the car.

* 2 of 3 reels jammed with massive knots in the line.

* Three boys STILL fighting over the Spiderman fishing pole.

Sigh....

The boys did get to actually fish during our camping trip over Memorial Day weekend. When I say "fish" I really mean "casting their non-hooked line into trees, the picnic table and each other." They also managed to cross Army Guy's line and reel his hook in on occasion. Ah... good times! We had KFC for dinner! :o)

The Graduate

2011-05-21T23:36:00.004-04:00

Army Guy and I would like to announce our newest graduate! On May 18th Daniel successfully completed preschool. There was a lovely ceremony, complete with "Pomp and Circumstance" followed by a quaint reception of petit-fours and goldfish. Daniel is excited to attend kindergarten at the "big school" next year. Matthew, who finishes up kindergarten this week, had some excellent advice for our graduate!

"Daniel... in kindergarten you have to wipe your OWN butt!"

So there you go. Words of wisdom that will be quite handy in Daniel's future scholastic endeavors! Way to go Daniel! We are very proud!

Five Boys and a Beach

2011-04-23T00:02:00.014-04:00

Matthew 6, Logan 4, Andrew 3, Daniel 4, Lucas 2

What would possess two moms to take a 3-day trip to the beach with 5 little boys ranging from 2-6 in age? Well.......... maybe a little boredom mixed with a wee bit of insanity!!! Wait... insanity in my home is not newsworthy... it's merely the norm. However, this time I suckered my friend, Angela, into my crazy little reality. Bwa ha ha! I'm now conducting "crazy training". Angela is my first victim... er.. I mean student!

So it COULD have gone terribly wrong. It COULD have been 3 days of misery survivable only through massive amounts of Rum. But the truth is... we got TOTALLY lucky! The boys were so cute, they got along well and we had a fantastic time.

Angela and I rented a 3 bedroom condo at Myrtle Beach. The boys got to experience the ocean for the first time and they thought that was pretty cool. Highlights included lots of swimming, being buried in the sand, learning to snorkel and enjoying ice cream while we walked along a fishing pier. The boys thought that was awesome and are now seriously interested in all things "fishing". However, the best part of the trip was the incredible pool at our condo. It was absolutely perfect for our crew... complete with a toddler/sprinkler pool and a "lazy river".

The boys have decided it was so fun that we should visit the beach again. But next time we need to bring daddy "so we can show him how cool the ocean is".

3-Year-Old Artwork Does NOT Rock!

2011-03-17T22:35:00.013-04:00

I mean no disrespect to my little Drew, who is very artistic indeed. And I love his art when he works with the normal preschool supplies .... you know... crayons, construction paper, water colors, etc. The kind of artwork I'm talking about here is when he uses more "unconventional materials"..... such as lipstick and carpet. This is EVIL artwork and this is the type that does NOT rock! Case in point...

What happens when your 3-year-old watches you paint your kitchen a lovely buttery yellow? His thought process goes something like this: "I like yellow...and I really like that roll-y thing. I wonder if that roll-y thing will work on EVERYTHING.... Hmmm... I must try that at once!"

I give you Exhibit "A"

Here we have the artist proudly showing his work. When I saw this I thought.... "garage door, painted... no harm there. Yellow spots on garage walls and floor... I can handle that. Yellow foot prints tracked through the house... totally cleanable". I had a small chuckle and began to clean the paint from the artist's hands. And then.... I saw the REST of his work.

Behold... Exhibit "B".

Yeah... that's the minivan. The artist decided to explore new materials for his work. A white canvass (or gray garage floor) is soooooooo "yesterday". He decided painting the front end of the minivan would be a bit more.... edgy! Perhaps even on THE cutting edge of modern art. I must remember to ask Uncle Danny this very important question: "Art or Not Art?"

Thank goodness for Magic Eraser! I do believe their new tagline should be "Removes interior semi-gloss from the exterior of minivans". Magic Eraser has saved my butt on several occasions, however this is an entirely new level of "WOW"! Kudos to you Magic Eraser.... KUDOS TO YOU!!!

Kindergarten Artwork Rocks!

2011-03-15T11:00:00.001-04:00

This is the picture Matthew (6) just drew on my white board. Well... first he erased my "do to" list for the day... then he drew this picture for me. So, not only do I have a lovely expression of my son's devotion... I, apparently, have NOTHING to do today. Win/win!

Anyway... I asked Matthew to tell me about his picture and this is what he said.

"You are the tall one, and I am standing on a little hill. I have THREE loves for you. I drew you first because you are so special".

Awwwwwwwww
Heart... melting... quick somebody get me a tissue!

This is the sort of thing that makes all those aggravating events totally worth it. This "motherhood thing" is one wild ride... and I love it! I am so blessed! (Even if I AM a freakishly tall smiley face sitting on some really long legs. I may not be blessed with a NECK... but I am blessed none-the-less!)

The 90 Dollar Doughnut

2011-03-10T21:10:00.019-05:00

Daniel (4) sitting; Matthew (6) center
Andrew (3) right

How does a doughnut cost $90.00? Well... it doesn't. However, the events that led up to the FREE doughnut were very costly indeed.

It began like any other day. There was the typical struggle to get the boys out of bed... teeth brushed... breakfast eaten... dressed and ready.... yadda, yadda, yadda... mad dash for the minivan. I always cross my fingers and hope to get Daniel to preschool on time. Yesterday was no different. Except this time Andrew and I never really did get dressed. We were running late and I just thought "I could totally get away with wearing my jammies to drop Daniel at preschool. I mean... it's a drive-up and drop-off... what could possibly go wrong?" In fact, I was so sure the drop-off would be quick, I even let Andrew get into the car with no shoes. By the way, Andrew's jammies were shorts and it was a sunny, 35 degree morning.

Let me just pause for a second to allow for the gigantic cyber-sigh happening about now.

So, "What could possibly go wrong?" I dared to ask myself.

Here goes:
We got to Daniel's preschool in the nick of time. And I mean, right at 9:00 on the nose. Any later and I would have had to get out of the car and personally take him into the school. "So far so good", I thought. But just as we approached the drop zone I suddenly realized this one minor detail I had forgotten.

"OH NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" I gasped, as I recalled that it was "Munchies for Moms" day. Daniel's class had been working hard for weeks preparing for this very special party to honor all the moms. They even sent out hand made invitations. Matthew's class did this last year, so I knew it was a big, giant, flippin deal! "AAAUUUGGGHHHHH it starts in FIFTEEN MINUTES!!!" (and we live exactly 16 minutes away!)

At that point I saw the insurmountable situation and I was completely defeated. I explained to Daniel that "Mommy is soooo sorry but I won't be able to come to the party today." Daniel was crushed. Though he handled his disappointment well, I could tell he was heartbroken. As he got out of the van...... I died just a little. I was breaking my son's heart and accepting the agony of defeat without even giving it a good try.

"SIGH... okay... I am a mom... I can make this happen... I really can", I thought. "I got this!" It was an impossible situation, but I jumped into tap-dancing-mommy-mode and got moving. So here's how it went down.

We drove really quick to Wal-Mart just around the corner. Andrew and I, still in our jammies, ran for the door. "We have THIRTEEN minutes", I yelled to Andrew. I was a crazy woman running through the store in search of something... ANYTHING... for Andrew and I to wear for this all important mommy party. I was too focused on the mission to realize I was actually one of those "Wal-Mart Shoppers" who was most likely being photographed for the next volume of the seriously revolting (and slightly entertaining) email photo album that will inevitably be circulated throughout the entire globe! (look for me next time you see that email).

I'll spare you the humiliating details of my early-morning jammie-shop and just cut to the end. (Though I would love to see the security video of the loony woman with the half naked 3-yr-old in her cart, frantically running through the store in all her jammie glory). We got an outfit, shoes AND socks for Andrew and something for me to wear as well. Wait... I got two extremely classy Wal-Mart outfits just in case the first one did not fit. Andrew and I were out the door and changing clothes in the minivan in under 15 minutes. All the while I yelled "hurry Andrew... quickly.. We are late for Daniel's party".

So we got back to the school at 9:25 am. I ran my fingers through my hair and put on some lipstick and we made our way into the school. Andrew and I arrived at the mommy event only 10 minutes late and I was extremely proud!!!

As we entered the party room I quickly scanned the "crowd" in search of my son. I could hardly wait to see the look on his face when he realized his mother had come after all. I made a mental note to begin writing my "Mother of the Year" acceptance speech!

"Wait..." I thought, "where is everybody?!?!?" The room was empty!!!
*
*
*
Yeh... the party didn't start until 10:15
*
*
*
*
we were 50 minutes early!
*
*
*
Sigh....

I did finally get one bite of seriously expensive doughnut before Andrew procured that little treat for himself. But on the bright side, I AM the owner of two very lovely, designer sweat-suits from Wal-Mart. Wait.... I can totally return one! So then, this doughnut really only cost me $60.00.

In case you were wondering.... I'm still crazy! :o)

We Don't Need No Stink'n Calendar!

2011-01-01T15:25:00.006-05:00

Today is January 1... I don't need a calendar to tell me that... I just know! Last night was New Year's Eve and today it is 2011.... all bright & shiny and full of possibilities! So in the tradition of new beginnings and starting the year off right, I decided we should get up and get going. "Yes, I realize we were up late last night... but that's no excuse to skip church", I tell the Ducklings. "So everybody go get dressed in your nice clothes".

This is a sample of how the morning went:

Me:
"Everybody get into your church clothes!..... No, you may not wear flip flops to church..... Hurry up were are going to be late!.... Daniel, where is your other shoe?... Who knows where Daniel's shoe is?..... Here, eat a pop tart in the car... we're late, we're late!... Oh shoot, I need coffee... that's okay I can heat up this cold stuff from yesterday... Go, go, get in the car, we're late! We're late!"

15 Minutes later.....

Yeah..... those of you with calendars saw that coming a lonnnngggg time ago!

And 15 minutes after that....

Happy New Year from our home to yours! May 2011 bring many moments filled with laughter... even if you have to laugh at yourself now and then!

Uh oh... Someone is on Santa's Naughty List

2010-12-23T02:13:00.014-05:00

Daniel (4), Andrew (3) on a rare
"non-fighting" occasion

How, exactly, does a child go from being "the sweet one" all year long and then BAM, end up on Santa's naughty list just a few days before Christmas? Oh..... this is a good one! Sit back and enjoy the latest Duckling Tale.

So, yesterday Daniel and Andrew were sitting in the toy room playing Super Nintendo. Those of you who know Daniel well, know that he is a very pleasant child. He is sweet and snugly and helpful... he is just a delight. However, nobody can push his buttons like Andrew. Andrew is very, VERY good at being three. He has his sweet moments as well, but mostly he's just.... THREE!!!

The two were playing quietly for awhile and then the inevitable fight broke out. I'm not really certain what happened. There was a struggle, some yelling and pushing.... you know, the standard sibling stuff. And THEN..... Andrew came to me crying. It took me a second to decipher his message through the tears (and the 3-year-old speech impediment). His appearance gave me a small clue. Andrew's clothes were all wet. "Hmmmm", I thought, "they were not playing outside.... nobody had a drink in the toy room... what the...?" And then I understood Andrew's message. "Mommy", he said as he was sobbing, "Dano went pee pee on me!" WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?

At first I thought, "maybe they were wrestling and Daniel had an accident.... or maybe....." Then Daniel came out, he was completely dry and saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Mommy, I'm sorry". Hmmm... another clue....

So, from my excellent detective skills, here is how I have concluded the incident went down. Daniel finally got fed up with whatever Andrew was doing to him. Apparently there is a breaking point... even for "the sweet one", and Daniel had reached it. And how did he chose to communicate his frustration? Well... he pulled 'em down, whipped it out and went pee all over his brother. Yes, right there IN the toy room.

I was shocked... and outraged... OUTRAGED! (and also slightly amused.) It took all I could muster to keep a straight face while I marched the child straight up to his Dad and made him explain what he did. So... here's how THAT went:

Daniel: (sobbing) "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry"
Daddy: (big booming voice) "What did you do?"
Daniel: "I.... sniffle, sob.... I'm sorry"
Me: "Tell Daddy what you did to YOUR BROTHER"
Daddy: "Daniel? You better tell me right now mister... and don't even think about lying to me."
Daniel: "Sorry, sorry, sob sob, sorry"
Me: "Daddy, he went PEE PEE on his brother!!!"
Daddy: "WHAT?!?!?!?!?!"
Daniel: (sobbing.... pleading) "sorry"
Daddy: "WE DON'T PEE ON OUR BROTHERS"
Me: (Trying hard to keep a straight face, because, though I am still OUTRAGED... I'm finding this whole scene hilarious.)
Daddy: "I think that just got your name on Santa's naughty list."
Daniel: "Nooooooo... Whaaaaaaaaaa Sorry sorry sorry"
Me: (trying super hard not to look at Army Guy, because if his face breaks, I will LOSE IT.. and then it's all over.)
Daddy: "Do you want me to pee on YOU?!!"
Me: (OMG.. I'm going to burst any second....)
Daniel: "Nooo!"
Daddy: "We can't just walk around peeing on people... the police will take you to jail for that sort of thing."
Me: (repeating to myself "dead puppies, dead puppies, don't break, keep it together)

This little scene went on for about 10 minutes. I am proud to say that my high school acting class came in quite handy. I did not allow my face to break and Daniel received the appropriate lecture/crap-scared-outta-him. And though I am still mortified and appalled.. I simply cannot tell the story without laughing. Ah... never a dull moment around here... NEVER! :o)

AAaannnnnnnddddd There's the Truth

2010-09-26T11:51:00.006-04:00

Matthew - 5

This week I made a shocking discovery! SHOCKING! It turns out my biggie kindergarten baby is frequenting the salad line at the school cafeteria! Whaaaaza? This little tid-bit of information was revealed to me when the school nurse called while Matthew was there in her office. You see... Matthew has eczema and is also allergic to peanut and egg white. The food allergy always shows up as a rash on his face and then triggers an outbreak of eczema. Matthew knows he should not eat ranch dressing, but he LOVES it! At home, I give him a ranch dip made from sour cream. But at school, he is in charge of what he eats. Apparently he has concluded that the rash is worth the ultra "yummies" he enjoys from his salad. Or... maybe there is more to the story.....?

So Andrew and I visited Matthew at school and we ate lunch with him. Low and behold... right before my very eyes, the child ordered a chef salad with ranch dressing. I sat there watching him dip cucumbers in the dressing.... he seemed to enjoy his lunch very much. And then the following conversation took place:

Me: "You know that salad dressing is going to make you itchy, right?"
Matthew: "I know".
Me: "If you eat too much you'll need a Benedryl"
Matthew: Yep... I know".

Then Matthew got this smirk... It's the same one I've seen in Army Guy's family. I've seen this smirk/grin from Matthew's dad, grandfather, and even his great-grandfather. (The men in Army Guy's family are very charming). And when I saw this smirk, I instantly knew the truth. But just to make sure I asked one more question.

Me: "are you eating salad every day so you can see the nurse?"
Matthew: HUGE grin "I like the nurse"!

DOAH... My 5-year-old is working the system so he can hang out with the nurse! Yep... he's definitely Papa John's great-grandson!

You Learn Something New Every Day

2010-08-17T13:05:00.000-04:00

Matthew- 5, in his Thomas the Tank Engine swim trunks.

Today I learned that you should never say THIS to a 5-year old boy at the water park:

"Hey Buddy, why are you wearing underwear with your swim suit?"

Anyone wanna take a guess at what happened next? In my mind it's all very slow-motiony. It goes something like this...

It's 20 minutes after the innocent underwear inquiry and I am standing at the edge of the pool watching Dewey and Louie while they swim. Huey is standing at the other side of the pool near our towels and shoes and is apparently quite bothered by this new revelation that it's taboo to wear tighty-whities under your swim trunks. He then decides to correct the problem immediately. His back is turned to me and I see a bare white bottom make an appearance. So here's me... yelling in slow motion across the pool... "Matthew Noooooooo!" Of course the water park is really really loud and VERY crowded so Matthew can't hear me. I yell again. "MAAAATTTTHEEWW!!! NOOOOOOO! NOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOO!!"

At this point I'm stuck across the pool and there is NOTHING I can do about my son who is flashing the entire Ft. Jackson community. Luckily... swim trunks are really hard to take off when they are wet. So he can't quite get them off. Unluckily... he can't quite get them back up either. So he turns around in search of me for some assistance. I'm still a crazy person waving and yelling to get his attention. By this time the entire pool sees what is happening. (Ok, maybe not. But it's my story... let me tell it my way!) So I jump into the pool and swim to Matthew then assume my duty as official towel holder while he makes major wardrobe adjustments. Matthew looks at me like "what's the big deal mom?" Sigh..... next time I ignore his drawers until we get home. Lesson learned!

Hmmmm....What To Do... What To Do?

2010-07-31T10:18:00.010-04:00

Matthew - 5, Andrew - 3, Daniel - 4
enjoying an indoor camping adventure

So here's our dilemma... It's summer in South Carolina. Let me just set the scene for those of you unfamiliar with what those words actually mean.

It's about 800 degrees outside and the air is so thick and humid I swear a person could actually DROWN while trying to breathe. (okay.. maybe not... but it FEELS like it... and that's what's important)

So it's hot, and sticky and we have NASTY thunderstorms 2 to 3 times a week. These MASSIVE downpours flood the state with hot rain, which tends to fill up swimming pools with HOT water. Yesterday we went to the pool on post and the water was WARMER THAN BODY TEMPERATURE!!! This is serious people!!! There's nothing like jumping into a sparkling pool on a 105 degree day only to be hit.... SMACK... with 100 degree pool water. NOT REFRESHING!

So, here's a list of things we can't do in the summer.

Ride Bikes
Play in the clubhouse
Swim
Go to the park
Visit the zoo
Jump in the bouncy house
Participate in any outside activity the rest of the country considers to be normal summer fun.

(we actually COULD run in the sprinklers outside...except for the fact that our lawn is being completely over-watered by rain right now... so that's out)

So presented with this unusual set of circumstances, The Ducklings and I decided it would be fun to "camp" in the house. We set up their little tent in the living room and then got inside. We read lots of books with a flashlight. Then we had lunch in the tent, and then played a riveting game of Uno followed by Candy Land. Because.. you know... anything you do in a tent is waaaaayyyy more fun that doing it NOT in a tent! That's just fact! Even (microwave) S'mores taste pretty good in a tent!

Anyway, it was a pretty fun day and we all had a great time on our camping adventure. Now... what to do tomorrow.....? Sigh.

I'm Call'n It!

2010-07-21T10:58:00.013-04:00

"The Duckings" on Andrew's birthday. 2/3 are enjoying a poop-free backside.
1/3 is on the verge of sheer brilliance!

Exactly two years, 5 months, and 28 days ago I began potty training Matthew, who had just turned 3. At the time I thought he would NEVER get it, but in retrospect, I think only 30 days was quite genius! Fast forward through the training of the next two boys (which, by the way, was neither pretty nor genius) and here we are... all done! Let me just say... THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST 6 1/2 YEARS OF MY LIFE!!! (okay, 2 1/2.... but it SEEMED like 6 1/2! Seriously!!!)

And today I'm calling it: "Mission Accomplished"! And I don't mean "Mission Accomplished" in that "flying-in-on-a-jet-plane-for-a-photo-op" kind of way that really meant "we-have-tons-of-work-to-do-but-isn't-this-flight-suit-cool?". When I say "Mission Accomplished" I mean... "FINISHED, COMPLETE, DONE, OVER, and WE AIN'T GOT NO MORE POOPY PANTS" kind of Mission Accomplished! LOL (Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to the former president, who I still love... I just needed to clarify what "Mission Accomplished" really means to me!) :o)

So I wanted to take a second to give props to my super genius boys who, I must admit, at times had me wondering if they were somewhat... uh.... ssslllooowww. Three Cheers to the Ducklings who have successfully conquered the proper placement of poop! Brilliant!!!

Now... let's get to work on perfecting our "aim"... shall we?

The Blog Has A New Look

2010-06-21T13:13:00.002-04:00

This blog face-lift is dedicated to "The Ducklings" who LOVE LOVE LOVE all things orange! :o)

Uh... Something Got Lost in Translation

2010-06-21T10:13:00.016-04:00

So, this is how my Monday began...

6:35 am
Daniel: (whispering) "Mom... wake up, Mom! Can I play Nintendo?"

Me: "mmmmmm... wha? mmmm"

Daniel: "Can I play Nintendo?"

Me: "Not right now sweetie... wait until everyone wakes up."

Daniel: "Okay mom."

6:37 am
Daniel: (Yelling in the living room). "EVERYBODY WAKE UP! MOM SAYS WHEN YOU GET UP I CAN PLAY NINTENDO!!!"

Me: "sigh......"

Daniel: "I SAID WAKE UP... LET'S PLAY NINTENDO!!!"

6:38 am
"Somehow" all the Wii remotes in the house are smashed into 1,000 tiny pieces after having "accidentally" hit the wall. (wait.. maybe I dreamed that part).

9:45 am
The above conversation leaves me pondering three questions:

1. WHY can't I drag this child's butt out of bed in time to get his brother to Pre-School by 9:00am during the school year?

2: WHEN is nap-time?

3: WHO wants to buy a Wii? (really cheap)

Sometimes You Just Gotta Shake Your Head and Giggle

2010-06-12T11:01:00.013-04:00

This week we all went to Vacation Bible School at our church. It was a fantastic week! I got to lead a group of first-graders while the boys had lots of fun singing and learning Bible stories and making cute crafts! We all had a great time.

On the final day of VBS, the children participated in the traditional program for all the parents. All the kids (about 200) stood on stage and sang songs for the parents. It was really cute. Since Matthew's class was the youngest, they ended up right in front. I sat there in the front row, holding Daniel, and watching Matthew sing... and I was so proud....

And then... it all went terribly wrong!

Daniel distracted me for a second mid-way through the program. When I looked up again.... Matthew was GONE! Vanished! I searched the stage and could not find him anywhere! How on Earth do you lose a child while he's standing less than 10 feet in front of you? After 30 seconds of frantically searching the group, I finally found him.... and then.... I was both horrified and amused by the events that unfolded before my eyes!

Matthew had worked his way across the stage to where a live mic was stationed for the older kids with speaking parts. My darling son, now obsessed with the microphone, planted himself in front of the mic stand, tilted the mic down to his level... then stood on his very tippy tippy toes and strained his neck up as high as he could and then... began to sing directly into the mic.... LOUDLY! He then proceeded to make faces and act like... well... like a 5-year-old who is experiencing a microphone for the first time ever. At some point the sound guy got a clue and turned off the mic. All the teachers just ignored him... while I slithered under the pew and hid. Yeah... I was proud!

At some point, I crawled out from under the pew and caught Matthew's eye and gave him that (Get-your-butt-away-from-that-mic, young-man) non-verbal glare that he immediately understood! Matthew promptly worked his way back to his spot and began singing like the sweet child I know and love.... who likes to pick and eat his boogers....... sigh....

As soon as the janitor leaves I'll finally crawl out from under the pew and make my way home.... any time now....

Combat in Arms 101

2010-06-01T10:06:00.021-04:00

Lesson #1:
Never Mess With Superior Fire Power

Lesson #2:
If You're Holding A Weapon... You're In The Fight

Lesson #3:
It's Unwise To Pause For Refreshment During The Battle

Lesson #4
Know When Hand-to-Hand Combat Has Failed. Call For Long Range Missiles!

Lesson #5
Refer to Lesson #1.... And Take Cover!

Serving Fruit Kabobs is NOT Genius...

2010-05-25T09:00:00.003-04:00

Super sweet four-year-old on his birthday

Daniel has never had a birthday party. So I figured... "It's time!" (It's time to just suck it up and endure the nightmare of a 4-year-old birthday party to show my son he is important.) "I can do this".... I think to myself. "How hard can it be?"

So, in order to make things easier on myself, I decided that a bouncy house would be the best way to keep the Darling Children entertained! Every kid loves a bouncy house... right? So I hit the Internet hard in search of bouncy rentals. What I found out was unbelievable! It costs roughly $250.00 to rent a bouncer for 4 hours!!! Say Whaaaaa?!?!?! So then I hit the Internet harder in search of a more reasonable solution. Because... lets face it... there was GOING TO BE a bouncy house at Daniel's party. I was not about to let 13 small children into my home with nothing to do! I'm not THAT crazy! So after days and days of investigating, I found some great bouncers for SALE on eBay! Whoa.... you mean I can spend twice as much to OWN ONE FOREVER? That's waaaayyy better than renting one for 4 hours! SCORE! (Additional bonus: This will provide me some SANITY during the loonnngggg summer break! Woo Hoo!!!!)

So we settled on this adorable Lion Bouncer.

I say "we" settled on this one but in reality the ducklings wanted a train one. But that one was too small and I very convincingly argued that it would be shipped from Washington State and would not make it in time for the party. So we "unanimously" chose the lion. It's about 16'x15' and has a SLIDE... so, of course, The Ducklings love it!

Daniel's birthday party was a huge success. The kids had a great time and I even survived to tell the tale.

Wait.. wasn't this supposed to be about Kabobs? Oh yeah... so here's a handy little tip regarding my genius idea to serve fruit kabobs to 4-year-olds.... DON'T DO IT!!! LOL! Actually, the kabobs were wildly popular among the kids. They all ate their fruit... so that was good. But the secondary reason for the kabob's popularity involved the repeated use of the phrase "You'll put your eye out with that thing!!!" Seems 4-year-olds really like to sword fight with kabob sticks! WHO KNEW?

Here's a few more photos of the birthday boy! Oh and.... I have a bouncy house available for rent.... Cheap! LOL

Daniel modeling the baseball jersey, glove and ball he
received from Grandma!

A big boy with a BIG BOY bike!!!

Mario and Alvin... two of Daniel's favorite things!
Thank you Auntie Kelli (with the black hair)

How do you do a "Mario Cake" when bakeries
don't offer one? Simple... you order a cloud and star
cake, and then add some sprinkles and Mario
Figurines you bought on eBay! (I love eBay!)

The birthday boy at his party!

How My Summer Diet Began

2010-05-02T00:33:00.007-04:00

The other day I over-heard the following conversation between Matthew and Daniel.

Daniel: "That's a LOT of chocolate! Do you think we can eat that much chocolate? I just don't know!"

Matthew: "Well... if we eat THAT MUCH chocolate we'll be fat like Daddy and Mommy"

DOAH!!! Smacked down by a 5-year old!

In his defense, I have to disclose that "you'll get fat like mommy" is my general excuse for not letting them have (a) another piece of cake, (b) all the candy in their Easter Basket, or (c) any of my secret cookie stash! So...its not like Matthew was trying to say "Hey Mom.. YOU HUGE"! He was really repeating to his brother what he knew I would say. It was a smack-down using my own words! DRAT!!!

So...um... Army Guy and I will be eating salad for the rest of the year! Awesome! And... sadly, my secret cookie stash is gone! I know... the HORROR of it all!

Let's Talk About Chuckie.... Shall We?

2010-04-19T11:27:00.013-04:00

"Public service announcement to all parents of small children.... birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese's are NOT fun! Please... for the love of Pete... just say 'NO' to Chuckie! Thank you! :o)"

That was my status update on facebook this morning. So far the comments to that post are 100% in agreement! (10 comments... and counting). So here's a good question... If all parents HATE taking their kids to Chuck E. Cheese's, why on earth do they continue to punish fellow parents by hosting their precious child's birthday party there? It's twisted and just plain wrong!

If there are any parents out there who have yet to experience this cruel form of torture... otherwise known as "Chuck E. Hell"... let me set the scene for you.

Chuck E. Cheese's is the most obnoxious place ever created. I am at a loss to come up with anything even slightly as annoying. First of all, the pizza is NASTY. Most kids don't even like it. But the dumb games are even worse than the food. It's like one loud, blinking, kid-sized casino for pre-school children. It's the Vegas strip for school-aged kids, where lots of blinking lights beckon them to tempt their luck at some stupid game or another. If they are lucky they win... *gasp* TICKETS!!!! The more tickets the better. Even if you are a big huge loser, you get one or two tickets. Awesome, right? Every child is a winner. What could be wrong with that? Well.. for starters, tokens are not cheap. They are pretty much equivalent to .25 cents. (give or take a few pennies).

So what does a quarter buy? Well... it depends on which stupid game you select. It was our experience that roughly 8 of Matthew's 20 tokens were WASTED on games that did not work, but did not have an "out of order" sign. Poor guy has become really good a dealing with disappointment. So, for the sake of a good life-lesson, I can let that go. Among the WORKING games are stupid things like games that give you ONE TRY to stop a blinking light on a certain spot. All for a quarter. Of course, it's next to impossible ... but your child will get one ticket for trying... so that's good! After 1 hour of roaming from stupid game to stupid game, Matthew earned a total of 27 tickets! WooHoo... 27 tickets! What did that buy him? A Tootsie Roll and a lollipop! I'm NOT making this up. Twenty tokens (or roughly $5.00) bought him 5 cents worth of candy. (oh yeah.. and access 28 zillion germs. BONUS!)

Of course, Matthew had the VERY BEST TIME OF HIS LIFE! (nice) and now wants to have his birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's. So I will spend the next 8 months hearing "I WANT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY AT CHUCK E. CHEESES!". It's a good thing those stupid non-working games of Chuckie's taught Matthew how to deal with life's disappointments, because I vow this day to NEVER host a birthday party there. How ironic is that? Chuckie has taught my son how to deal with never being allowed to go there again! hahahaha! Genius!

How to Make Your Mama Cry, 101

2010-04-09T12:52:00.011-04:00

or... "Matthew's First Pre-School Program"

Okay... so nobody told me that seeing my first-born in his first pre-school program would turn me into a sobbing fool. Seriously... I was NOT prepared for that! As soon as we sat down, I started to cry at the mere thought of my baby singing. So I guess this is how the next 20 years will go...

Me: "Look at my baby up there...wah wah wah!"
Army Guy: Laughing at me and taking pictures of my sobbing-ness.

Matthew's program was adorable. His class sang 5 songs and did the chicken dance.... which was awesome. That made me laugh and cry at the same time.

Here is Matthew after the program with his teacher, Mrs. Tammy. He adores her and has learned so much this year in pre-school. Mrs. Tammy has done an excellent job at getting him ready for kindergarten next year.

Home From Iraq

2010-02-11T16:15:00.005-05:00

On December 23, 2009, after 530 days, Army Guy finally returned from Iraq. For Good! Forever and ever.... Amen! (until the next time.) The boys and I met him at the airport at 8:45 pm. We got there just in time to see him walking toward us. The boys made "welcome home" signs, but those barely made it out before the boys just dropped them on the floor and ran to daddy! I was too busy being all teary-eyed to get some good pictures of that.

No... that splat of red on the bottom left of the "welcome home daddy" sign is not blood and guts. Nor is it daddy's airplane exploding in a fire ball (I know... I know... Uncle Danny needs to come give these boys some art classes!) The red splat is actually Daniel's attempt at tracing his hand and then coloring it red. Still... looks a little scary! :o)

All the Queen's Men.... December 2009

Then and Now

2009-12-23T12:20:00.013-05:00

Today is THE DAY Army Guy returns from the LONGEST DEPLOYMENT IN THE HISTORY OF THE EARTH!!! (or maybe... it just seemed that way.) We will pick him up at 8:45 pm and I'll post photos of his return in a few days. But today I thought it would be fun to take a look back at how the Ducklings have changed in 1 1/2 years.

This photo was taken a couple months before Army Guy left. Ducklings were 3, 2 and 9 months. I was scared to death about the mere idea of being both mom and dad to these guys for 18 months. It was overwhelming.

This photo was taken last January just about the time Army Guy was finally arriving in Iraq. Matthew was 4, Andrew 1.5, and Daniel 2.5.

And here are the Ducklings today. Andrew is 2.5, Daniel is 3.5, and Matthew just turned 5 last week. We made it. The four of us have been through some ups and downs... but we survived and we actually did quite well. These boys are just precious. And even when they flush their jammies down the toilet and then flood the bathroom by flushing over and over.... and over.... (sigh) I STILL enjoy the privilege of being their mama. (but I'm really glad daddy will be here VERY VERY SOON!

Merry Christmas from our family to yours. We are truly blessed to be reunited again at Christmas time and we are thankful for each and every one of you who have supported our family while Army Guy was away!

One-Liners, Courtesy of The Ducklings!

2009-11-12T21:23:00.010-05:00

This entry might be a little bit of a cop-out... but whatever! I'm running out of good stories without repeating the same thing over and over again. You know... the "Andrew-poured-flour all-over-the-floor-and-used-it-to-slip-n-slide-down-the-hallway", kind of thing. That stuff happens around here... it's not always THAT entertaining.

Anyway.... during the past several months the Ducklings have come up with some one-liners that have just slayed me. So here goes. In no particular order.... quotes from the Ducklings.

Me to Army Guy: "Scoot over and make room for my giant butt".

Matthew (from the other room): "THAT'S MY MAMA!!!"

*********

Matthew (from the back of the minivan):
"Mommy, can you move your big face so I can see the TomTom"?

*********

Matthew to Mom & Dad (from the back of the minivan): "NO TALKING!"

Mom and Dad: "Okay" (continue talking)

short pause.....................

Matthew (spoken like a tired & irritated mom):

"I hear talking!" "I think I said NO TALKING!"

*********

Daniel: "Yo Ho, Yo Ho a Piwates Wife for me!"

*********

Daniel (singing to the tune of "Where is Thumpkin"):

"Where is Daddy? Where is Daddy?

I don't' know. I don't know.

Wore mus born wore finner. Wore mus born wore finner.

Amen. Amen. (Translated: "You must burn your finger")
(I don't know... I'm just reporting!)

*********

Matthew (to his teacher when put in the time-out chair):

"My mommy does NOT want to hear from you!"

*********

Matthew (to mommy when trying to stay up after bed time).

"But mommy, you're awesome and I want to hang out with you!"

(ah... sweet! He got to stay up. I know.. I'm a sucker!)

*********

Matthew - the next night: (Spoken with wrong body language and tone. Rolling eyes and just saying the words.)
"But you're awesome and I wanna hang out with you!"
(Ah ha ha ha! Not this time little mister! Nice try!)

*********

Daniel: "Doe Di Aye Doe Doe"
(It took me 20 minutes to translate that to "Go Diego Go") LOL

*********

Daniel: "I'm a boy but I DON'T WIKE football... and I DON'T WIKE fredress!!!" (Asparagus)

Trick or Treat!

2009-11-05T22:09:00.013-05:00

I REALLY wanted to dress the boys as Huey, Dewey, and Louie for Halloween!!! How perfect would THAT have been? I could just see it.... My darling boys decked out in little white duck costumes... the mere thought makes me laugh. But NOOOOOOO! These boys would have none of that! (Kill-joys). Instead they insisted on Mario, Luigi and Pooh Bear. Now you might notice a few flaws with this picture. First, the obvious... "but wait... that's not Pooh Bear.. that's BLUE!" Ya... I know. Baby decided to go with last year's "Blue" at the last second. And I mean... the VERY LAST second. Army guy was actually dressing him when this revelation came. But Army guy was fast on his toes. He remained flexible and conquered the challenge like a true stay-at-home mom. Ya... he ditched the Pooh Bear Outfit and dug "Blue" out of the closet. $19.95 wasted! Whatever! You gotta do what you gotta do! Hahaha

The second problem with the photo is height. Do you think there is any possible way on EARTH that I could get the short one to be Mario and the tall one to be Luigi??? Not on your life!!! Matthew was dead set on Mario. And Daniel was going to be Luigi! End. Of. Story! Hahaha!

So... with our costume challenges overlooked, we sent them off to gather chocolate for their mama (uh... I mean... um... for them). This is the first time Army Guy was around for Halloween and he took them trick-or-treating. They all had a blast! When they returned I thought it was curious that "baby" had the biggest stash. Army Guy laughed and said "baby worked the crowd". Apparently, he blew kisses to everyone and had them eating out of his hand. Hmmmm... future politician in my home? Haha!

We had a fun night and it was so great to have Army Guy home to share it with the boys. (we can thank my former gallbladder for that... may it rest in peace!)

Army Wives Rock!!!

2009-10-30T12:19:00.003-04:00

Today I devote my blog entry to the awesome-ness that surrounds me... Army Wives! I have always thought Army Wives were cool... but now I am a full blown fan. So here's a shout-out to all those who supported me and sacrificed your precious time during my illness. These are the heroes of my life... I love you all!

Tiffany: Tiffany got a message on her phone that went something like this.... "Tiff... I just dropped my kids at the CDC (Child Development Center) and I am headed to the hospital... I am so sick. (crying) I don't know if I'll be able to pick them up by 5:30, (sobbing) please pick up my kids.... click". Here's the rest of the story. Tiffany arrived at the CDC to discover Daniel had a fever and was vomiting. She took my boys home and cared for them (along with her own 5 children) for two days while I was in the hospital. Tiffany provided a familiar and safe place for my children while they were visibly upset and worried. All the while, Tiffany's first concern was not her own sanity, but the well-being of my children. As others offered to take the children, Tiffany knew they were already upset and scared. She didn't want to subject them to the uncertainty of being cared for by a stranger.

Margaret: When Margaret learned of my illness, she immediately came to the hospital along with her husband, a chaplin, to be with me. Margaret found me an emotional wreck and completely exhausted after being so sick for an entire week and not really sure of what, exactly, was wrong with me. Margaret provided comfort and friendship. She stayed with me for several hours on Friday night, and returned for several more hours on Saturday morning. She lifted my spirits and provided a foundation of strength for me to rest on when I was completely out of my mind with worry and exhaustion.

Meredith: As the current President of PWOC, Meredith organized help and prayer support from the women of PWOC. Meredith kept me company for several hours at the hospital and then returned to my home at 5:30am a week later to watch my children when I finally went in for surgery. She also brought a yummy dinner for that night and organized a schedule of ladies to bring dinner the next few days all the while becoming "communication central" to keep all the ladies informed of my condition.

Peggy and Christa: Brought delicious dinners to my family so my husband would not have to worry about what to feed us during my recovery.

Amy and Jennifer: Provided assistance to Tiffany so she would not lose her mind while caring for 8 children.

Liz and Maria: Were available to help with ZERO notice when I called 911 and was taken to the ER because of chest pains. Liz watched my children and Maria kept me company at the hospital.

The Ladies of PWOC: Prayed. I am convinced it is because of these prayer warriors that the situation turned out perfectly. My husband came home from Iraq, my gallstone passed without medical intervention, and I was released from the hospital in time to enjoy our pre-planned and pre-paid vacation without pain. After the vacation I was able to return for surgery to remove my gallbladder and am now in recovery while my husband is here to care for the children. The situation could not have worked out more perfectly.

My Mom and My Husband: Although not Army Wives, they deserve a shout-out too. When my mother learned I was so sick, she hopped on the next plane and flew across the country (from California) to be here for me. She helped with the kids and gave me exactly what I needed... my mother! It was a quick trip, but she was able to stay until hubby arrived and provided the reassurance that only a mom can give. My husband has been wonderful. His command let him come home from Iraq to help and he has been "mister mom" since he got here. This is exactly what I needed to get me through the next two months of this deployment. Thank you babe, for traveling from the opposite side of the Earth to help me through this.

I wish congress would come up with a medal of honor specifically for Army Wives. They are the strength behind the Army and the ones who tend to the home front so the Army can function. So, until congress comes up with the proper medal, I will offer this... a virtual medal, a huge thank you and a promise to live up to the excellent example you have set. I vow to be a pillar of strength for someone else the next time an emergency arises. I will continue the tradition and do my part to be an Awesome Army Wife too.

Thank you my dear friends. I love you so much!

Ducklings Got a Clubhouse

2009-10-04T19:37:00.002-04:00

When Army Guy was home in June, he brought The Ducklings a very special present. A swing set and clubhouse. They love it! The morning after it was installed, Ducklings went out to play and had such a fun time. Army guy kept asking Daniel if he liked it. But Daniel refused to reply. After awhile he finally said, "Don't call me Daniel ever again! My name is Mickey Mouse, because I have a clubhouse!" LOL... Kids are so funny!

Here are a few photos of the boys enjoying the new clubhouse. I've been informed that "girls are NOT allowed". But thankfully, they've given mommy a waiver on occasion!

Andrew was NOT about to waste one second getting dressed. He had some slide'n to do!

Matthew thinks he was BORN to slide!

Andrew has become a professional swinger. (wait.. that doesn't sound right!)

Today the clubhouse is a rocket ship and The Ducklings are set to blast off to the moon. I've been assured there is no need to worry because "there is plenty of dinner on board, mom".

Daniel enjoys sliding with a "poop-free" back-side. YES... IT'S TRUE!!! He is finally potty trained! Fully... For Real! I know... awesome right?

Daniel and Matthew go through a pre-flight check in preparation for their blast-off. (where do they get this stuff?)

This is Daniel....

2009-09-12T00:04:00.002-04:00

This is Daniel enjoying his new truck......

This is Daniel's truck after Daniel
* took a wee on the patio
*backed up his truck over the puddle to hide the evidence
* got out and looked under the truck to make sure the spot was, indeed, covered up
* backed up some more to make a final adjustment
* and came inside with an expression that said "WHAT"?

This is me... Imagine me laughing so hard I nearly peed myself. Good thing I didn't, because I don't think backing the minivan into the kitchen is really an option.

Random Thoughts Always Lead to "Poop"

2009-09-02T22:39:00.011-04:00

Anyone who knows my kids (and/or reads this blog) understands that the Ducklings are hilarious!!! If they weren't so funny, I would be ready for a straight jacket by now. Just when I'm certain I have totally lost my mind, somebody sticks a "Trix" pebble up their nose, forcing me to focus so I can perform a very tricky "trixotomy" procedure. Delicate surgery is no easy task when you're laughing!

This week Andrew used my eye-liner to create fabulous art on the toy room wall. You would think stuff like that would just send me over the edge.... wait.. sometimes it does... but mostly I just have to shake my head and laugh. (and dream about the day when wall art is history and I get to select some creamy, yummy latte-ish color ... sigh) One day! But for now, every wall has a 3-foot high boarder of scribble in crayon, pencil, pen, chalk, dry erase pen, highlighter, eye-liner and lipstick. Oh.. and sticky, chocolate hand prints. Yeah... it's nifty!

Anyway... where was I going with this? Oh yeah... my kids are funny... bla bla bla... lipstick! So, the other day at dinner Daniel made me snort milk with this little prayer.

"Dear Jesus,
pank you dinner and all our bwessings.
And help me go poo poo potty. Amen".

My first thought was "Eeewww... we're having dinner here!" But as I thought about it... while choking on my milk... this prayer completely shut me up. My son is asking JESUS for HELP!!! Aaauuugggghhhhh! I guess I can be patient a little longer! Sigh.

So along those lines... Matthew made a very special request of Jesus last night. Apparently he would like Jesus to bring us a big, red dog... like Clifford. Now I'm no expert on dogs, but can you imagine the size of those doggy poops? I've never seen that topic covered on an episode of "Clifford", but I'm guessing it would give me a whole new perspective on my struggles with "poopy boy". Hahaha!

So, what I've learned from these two little prayers is that God has a really great sense of humor. He's gently telling me to be patient a little longer... and thankful my son doesn't have HUGE Clifford sized poops! See.. that's all I needed. Just a little perspective! :o)

Does This Make Me A Soccer Mom?

2009-07-29T22:19:00.020-04:00

The boys are attending Jr. Baseball Camp this week. So far they have enjoyed it very much. It's been fun watching them learn to throw, catch, bat, and run the bases. Anyone who has ever watched 3-5 year old baseball understands that it is HILARIOUS! It's so funny to watch 9 pre-school aged boys all run for the ball, like it's a race to see who can get it. Then, of course, since EVERYONE is fighting over the ball, there is no one covering first base... and the batter makes a single... EVERY TIME! Actually, when played this way, the game sort of resembles soccer!

Today Matthew was introduced to "batting" (with the use of the "T"). I'm not sure if he ever actually made contact with the ball, but he did hit the "T" and the ball tumbled off the pole and rolled about 10 feet. This gave Matthew great joy... and filled my heart with pride! "My boy is an athlete", I think to myself. "This is the beginning of what will be a very lucrative career in Major League Baseball". And I gaze upon my son with such adoration.... and he looks at me, equally as proud, and says, "MOM... did you see that? Home run! I hit it OUT OF THE PARK!!!" hahahahahhaha.... "yes son, you sure did!" And so it begins....

So, anyway - this is now my role. I have graduated from "chief butt wiper" and am officially a "soccer mom" with the mini van and everything. (Okay... I guess I'm still a butt wiper on occasion. But there is no way I will answer to the title "butt-wiping soccer mom".) Of course, the boys played soccer last week... they hated it and quit after three days... but whatever... I'm still going with "soccer mom".

I am taking my new job as head cheerleader very seriously. I bring the cooler with ice cold water and juice for after practice. I throw in some cheese sticks and grapes for a snack... have the sun-screen and the camp chair ... I cheer and laugh with the other parents... I am doing an excellent job!

However, there have been a few miss-steps along the way. Like yesterday, when we drove 30 minutes to post, piled out of the car and headed for the field in the nick of time only to realize that Daniel was not wearing any shoes. Yep.. in all the commotion of loading the car, preparing breakfast to go, changing a poopy diaper, buckling car-seat belts, etc etc etc... I failed to realize Daniel never did put his shoes on. So I had to think quickly! I took Andrew's shoes and gave them to Daniel ... and we all ran to the baseball field. Andrew was perfectly happy to be barefoot and Daniel was not the slightest concerned that his shoes were a little snug. Phew... saved by the "mommy tap dance" once again! Hahaha! So maybe that makes my official title "Tap-Dancing-Butt-Wiping-Soccer-Mom... who's kids don't play soccer". :o)

All The Queen's Men

2009-07-23T22:05:00.004-04:00

Just thought it would be fun to post a few photos of all my boys over the last couple of years!

All the Queen's Men - 2007

Such a proud Daddy with his three little men!
*Matthew: 32 mo. *Daniel: 15 mo. *Andrew: 2 mo.
*Army Guy: 492 months

All the Queen's Men - 2008

Triple slide.... perfect!
*Daniel: 27 mo. *Andrew: 14 mo. *Matthew: 45 mo.
*Army Guy: 504 months

All the Queen's Men - 2009

Daddy is home for Father's Day!
*Daniel: 3 *Andrew: 2 *Matthew: 4 1/2
*Army Guy: 41 years, 10 months, and 22 days

Happy Birthday Andrew!

2009-07-12T22:09:00.028-04:00

On July 2 Andrew turned two. How can it be that this sweet, sweet, precious baby is now a big kid?

I cannot even comprehend how fast time is flying. Other moms often tell me to just enjoy them now because they will be grown up very soon. And it's so true! That is part of the reason I just follow them with a camera and try to capture the humor in the more aggravating things they do. :o) One day, when I have a perfectly clean house, it will also be very quiet and lonely. So in that perspective... I guess an entire tube of blue toddler toothpaste on the carpet (today's artistic offering from Andrew) isn't really so bad.

The following photo was taken at Andrew's first party, which was the day before Daddy returned to Iraq from mid-tour leave.

It was also the day that Andrew got a buzz cut for the summer. Andrew puts up a huge fight in the barber's chair... so mommy had to wait for re-enforcements to arrive. It took Daddy and I both to hold him down for the hair cut. Andrew was not happy at all... but he seems to be pleased with the result. The good news is, he won't need another haircut for at least 8 months. Yay!

Andrew's birthday cake was perfect. At his first party, we all got a cupcake and then we saved the larger cake for the celebration on his actual birthday. Yay Wal-Mart! Genius design!

Andrew enjoyed cupcakes again on July 3rd when we celebrated his birthday with friends at the fireworks show. I think he is somewhat confused at all the cupcakes with candles. But hey... what 2-year-old will EVER refuse dessert? He just smiles and goes with it! Ha ha

Andrew is a joy... and a complete booger! He provides laughter and frustration; he is curious and inquisitive. Andrew needs to understand the world around him and to do this he must touch, taste, climb, draw, create, break, spill and experiment! Those of you who have followed my blog for awhile, know that Andrew excels at all of these things. In a nutshell, he is VERY, VERY good at being TWO! And I love him to death.... messes and all!

Happy Birthday my baby boy! Its is a pleasure to be your mommy and I can't wait to see what genius things you do in the future because of your curiosity at an early age! I love you "Biggie".

Daddy Was Here!

2009-07-10T10:09:00.013-04:00

June was a busy, wonderful month. Daddy was here for a full two weeks and we had an amazing time. The boys were thrilled to have him around. We were wondering how Andrew would react, since he's too little to remember when Army Guy left. But even Andrew took to him right away. And boy did those 4 boys have a good time.

Here are a few highlights of daddy's visit:

* We went to the South Carolina Train Museum and took a train ride. The boys got a kick out of that. They also enjoyed walking through old, refurbished trains. It was amazing to see them so interested in museum pieces. These boys just love any train!

* We were blessed with a visit from Grammy. Though her stay was entirely too short, it was really good to see her. The boys always enjoy when grandparents visit.

* Auntie Kelly (with the yellow hair) and all the blond cousins came to visit. It was so good to see them. The boys had a great time with Auntie Kelly and Matthew loved playing with Johnny (because Johnny is a "big boy"... he's almost 10!)

* It was amazing timing that Daddy's visit included Father's Day! Yay! Matthew and Daniel painted a really cool ceramic airplane... camouflage... orange... of course. (because the U.S. military doesn't have an airplane that will blend well during an inverted sunset fly-over. Brilliantly done boys!)

* Of course the best part of Daddy's visit was just having him here.... just hanging out as a family and enjoying the time. We had lots of lazy days which included wrestling, cuddling and tickling! And I enjoyed watching all four of my boys play and laugh. It was good for the heart.

Army Guy returned to Iraq on June 24th and we have gone back to our "alternate reality". But the good news is we are 2/3 finished with this deployment. Daddy has been gone for one year, and we have only 6 months to go! Yay!

Daddy and Matthew during Andrew's birthday celebration
(notice the color of cupcake Matthew selected?) :o)

Daddy and Daniel

Daddy and Andrew, the birthday boy.

I Can't Believe I Actually Have to Say This!

2009-06-06T23:30:00.020-04:00

I could be wrong... but is it really necessary to verbalize phrases like, "NO!... we do not go pee-pee in the sink."? You'd think that would just be understood. So, when I catch myself actually saying such ridiculously stupid things... I just shake my head and write it down. Below is a list of the more idiotic things I've been forced to say this week.

"No throwing trains over the bridge!"
(this would be the cat-walk over our living room!) So, that's pretty self explanatory right? Well... perhaps I should have been a little more specific. See... I understand that "trains" actually means "every toy you own, in addition to anything you can lift, including your brother". But the ducklings hear "trains" and they think... "so... then I can throw this entire box of Lincoln Logs over the bridge... and maybe all the train TRACKS... as long as no actual trains take a dive". Further... I believe they've actually had a debate over the meaning of the word "train". "Does it include freight cars and passengers cars or are we just talking engines here?"

"NO! You may not go pee-pee on your brother"
I was forced to say this one day when I found Daniel standing in the bathtub... enjoying a good wee on Andrew's back, who was happily playing with his tug boat and oblivious to the fact that he was, indeed, being pee'd upon.

"Stop sitting on your brother's head!"
Perhaps this is WHY I'm forced to say the stupid things I'm forced to say! Maybe we're getting somewhere here?

"You are not allowed to enter my bedroom for the REST OF YOUR LIVES!"
This gem was very loudly spoken (okay.. I screamed it like a raving lunatic) upon the discovery of the ducklings rolling around the room in my comforter and through a pile of Strawberry Quick powder that had been dumped on the carpet in my bedroom. There was strawberry powder wafting in the air and all of the ducklings were covered in a delicious strawberry dust!

"McDonald's is closed today! I know... sad!"
Actually, this might be one of the more brilliant things I've ever said!

"OH ... Look at the clock. The big hand is all the way down. You know what that means..... Yep...BED TIME!"
at 5:30pm.... hahahahahaha! Stinks when you can't tell time! (again... another of my more genius phrases!)

"Why? WHY? WWWHHYYYYY???? ... have you painted your entire body with my lipstick?"
I've actually lost a total of 6 lipsticks to this sort of artistic expression!

"Mommy is not a jungle gym... and GET OFF ME with that stinky diaper!" can't wait for Dave to come home and wrestle with these boys!

"Is there something seriously wrong with you? Do we need to have the doctor examine your brain?"
This brilliant line of questioning came after a week which included the following:

* 3 strawberry Quick powder "incidents" (yes THREE... on three different days)

* fun with snow angels on a hardwood floor. Except the "snow" in this case was pancake mix.

* a package of Oreo cookie "wafers" discovered with all the cream licked out

* an entire bottle of baby bath soap poured into the sink.... and smeared all over someone's head

* a lovely offering of pine needles thrown onto the kitchen floor as a gift

* lipstick body art (the 6th edition)

* poop art in the bathroom

* the ever favorite cereal dump on the kitchen floor

* a fun game of "lets empty ALL the water from the bathtub onto the bathroom floor"

* a 911 incident because "baby" was missing (found 5 minutes later in the mini-van, having a blast pushing the automatic door button which causes the rear gate to lift and smash into the garage door. ) FUN!

* and an entire gallon of freshly made sun-tea poured onto the kitchen floor because.... HECK, I DON'T KNOW WHY.... That's why I want to have their brains checked out! (yes... ALL of that happened THIS week... and I'm sure there is something I am forgetting!)

Below are a few photos submitted as evidence.

Things That Make You Giggle!

2009-06-02T08:40:00.008-04:00

Yesterday was a really busy day. We had lots of errands and we were in the van for a very long time. At some point I verbalized a thought. I didn't realize I had said it out loud until I was well into the following conversation.

ME: "Oh, Mommy has to go pee-pee pretty bad!"

MATTHEW: "HOLD IT MOMMY!"

ME: "ooohhh... I gotta go....!"

MATTHEW: "Hold it really, really tight mommy... you can do it!"
ME: "Ok.. I'm trying my best"

DANIEL: "Don't pee-pee pants mommy!"

ME: "OK!"

MATTHEW: "We should pull over so you can squirt a tree!!!"

ME: "AHAHAHAHAHAHA... (pee a little)... hahahahah......"

Boys are the BEST! And... I'm a little jealous that I'm the only one in the house unable to squirt a tree!

Happy Bithday Dano!

2009-05-28T01:05:00.005-04:00

On May 19th, Daniel turned three years old. It's amazing to me how fast three years just flew by. He was just this little bundle with chubby cheeks...

... and now look at him.... a big kid who just cracks me up. He works so hard to keep up with big brother, Matthew, and does not want to be grouped with Andrew and referred to as "the babies"... he hates it when I say that. He gives me fits with the potty training... but then makes me laugh when he says "I so anry... I not wuv you amore". He's very cuddly, and sweet, sweet, sweet! He's also a major booger! I like to call him "Daniel Jekyll and Daniel Hyde". It fits! But I guess that's just how life is when you're three.

Daniel loves "frawbry milk" (or pink milk), "squirt cheese" on crackers (or.. the squirt cheese he licks from the crackers) and "MaDono's humgers". Tonight, while enjoying an Oreo cookie (or.. the frosting from an Oreo cookie) he asked for "more frosting please" and then was stunned that I could not just deliver more frosting. Ah, the mind of a three-year old. Some other things Daniel enjoys are Mickey Mouse, Thomas the Tank Engine and Blues Clues. Most of all, Daniel likes to spend his days playing trains and must have his Thomas train in his bed before he will even consider sleeping.

To celebrate his birthday, we had a quiet little birthday party complete with the "bouncy house" that grandma sent for Christmas. The boys love it when I pull that out! Daniel enjoyed opening gifts from Mom & Dad, Matthew, Auntie Kelli (with the black hair) and grandma. He loves his Mickey Mouse t-shirt and movie and is really looking forward to shopping for a special something with the gift card grandma sent.

Such a big boy... it is a joy to be his mama! And I love watching him grow... though part of me really wants him to stay little a long time! Happy Birthday my sweet Dano! Mommy & Daddy love you so much!

Me Matey Be Somewhat... Odd!

2009-05-08T14:48:00.005-04:00

Just a quick update to the pirate pool story.

The boys still love the pirate pool. Mostly, they love to fire the water cannon and run through the water. When Daniel seemed apprehensive about running through the water, I told him it was just like running in the rain. With the word, "rain", I saw a little light bulb click on above Daniel's head. He said... "I be right back!" The child returned wearing his fleece-lined rain jacket and a wool cap because... you know... he might get wet! He then proceeded to play in the water with no worries! I'm just gonna believe that shows brilliant problem solving skills! :o)

Check out Matthew in the background! Such focus and determination in manning the cannon!

Me Mateys Be Glad!

2009-04-28T00:08:00.025-04:00

I woke up today with this thought... "I must find something for these children to do before I lose my mind". So off we went to Sam's Club. (well... first Walmart, then Target, then Sam's Club!) We had a fun lunch date at Sam's (hot dogs of course) and did a little shopping.

And then we saw it... the mother of all inflatable pools! A super-awesome-triple-waterslide-pool-thingy"! We stood there in awe... all 4 of us! The boys said "COOL" and I thought, "that would totally buy me hours! Oh.. and it's a slide so there is no deep water to worry about." Yeah.. it was "COOL" all the way around! And... it was also $455.00!!! OUCH! I was totally going to pay that! Yes, I'm that desperate to get them outta my kitchen so they'll stop dumping cereal and raisins and crackers and goldfish and chips and popcorn and marshmallows and chocolate chips and yogurt and and and..... all over the floor! But then... Matthew saw the $55.00 pirate ship inflatable pool with a water cannon... and decided it was a MUST HAVE! Woo Hooo!... I just saved $400.00! NICE!

So we got home, set up the pirate ship, and the ducklings had a blast the rest of the after noon. They played and hosed each other down and we had a great time. We talked like pirates for hours. Me mateys be glad, indeed! Arrrggggh! (um... a little head's up... don't be offended if Matthew calls you a "scurvy dog" next time you talk to him! He means it with love.)

At 6:30pm I finally had to drag them into the house for dinner. After instructions to "take off your wet swim trunks and put on some dry pants", we sat down to dinner. At some point during dinner, I realized Matthew and Daniel were butt-naked. NICE! Of course after they finished dinner they were right back outside. This time they be naked pirates... Aarrggg! (sorry... it never gets old) :o)

Anyway... I took a few photos of the best afternoon we've had in a long time. Enjoy!

Captain Daniel at the Helm

Andrew was a reluctant pirate.

He's still not quite sure about the idea of playing in really cold water.

Matthew mans the cannon!

Nobody was safe... not even his mother.

Cold, heartless pirate he be!

Arrggghhh!

It has a little slide too!

" Yo ho! Yo ho! A pirate's life for me!"

A Day in the Life of Huey, Dewey, and Louie

2009-04-20T23:25:00.019-04:00

.... a photo essay of the Ducklings doing what they do best. Enjoy!

Nothing better than eating raisins off the floor. Oh... and it's also really cool to shove them into toys and various nooks and crannies that won't be discovered for weeks! Ya... that's awesome! Never know when you're gonna need a little snacky....

Here we have mommy's cheap Wal-Mart planner and some very important papers that have been torn up. Oh... and a squirt gun and video tape were also found at the scene of the crime. Could be the birth of CSI SC? I'm just say'n.

Where's Andrew? Seriously.... it took me 10 minutes to find him the first time he did this.

Coffee Anyone?

Chocolate chips never tasted so good!

Duckings were seen attempting to cover up an incident involving an entire box of goldfish and gravity. Gotta give 'em an "A" for effort!

Ya... this is AFTER their very thorough clean-up. The bright side is... I'm certain none of my boys have a future as a janitor!

Finger painting with ranch dressing is SUPER fun!

The artist... covered in Ranch Dressing, Resolve Carpet Cleaner as a mousse, and a little pee pee...

Yes... that case of Sierra Mist is really useful as a step stool. "What mom? You thought putting Premium Saltines on the top shelf would be a deterrent? Have you MET us?"

And while I was cleaning up the crackers....... Pancakes are so much better without the egg... oh, and the milk... um, and the oil... and also the griddle. Pancake dust is what he prefers!

And while pancake baby was being cleaned up.... I'm not certain what happened here... but it looks like the bear suffered a horrible "death-by-goldfish". Bring on the CSI guys... we can crack this case.

Look mom... I'm not making a mess!

Though these pictures were not taken on the same day... they COULD HAVE been. Trust me! Every day is pretty much like this! Except...add in a few poop incidents and a wet naked baby playing slip-n-slide in the entry hall. Ya... that's a typical day in our home.

My Trash is Another Man's..... TRASH! (apparently)

2009-04-19T19:50:00.024-04:00

I hate garage sales... HATE THEM! Hate the work it takes to put them on... hate that it's always hot and you're stuck outside trying to keep bargain hunters from talking you down from 25 cents to 10 cents. (like it matters... or you even CARE!) Hate that everything you carefully select from "the black hole" (your garage), kiddos suddenly really, really want as soon as they see it on the table priced for 50 cents! So why WHY? WHY?

Well.. for starters I thought the traffic would be awesome since everyone comes to the Community Yard Sale! It's the happening event of the season. (What? You didn't know that?) Ya... well neither did anyone else! Actually I heard there were crowds of people in the neighborhoods closer to the entrance of the master community. But for my neighborhood... in the back of the bus... not so good. I also thought that I had some really, really good stuff to sell! Good quality! Anybody would want this stuff. (well... anyone except ... ME!) But whatever!

So I worked my butt off getting this thing set up. Tiffany came out to help. And when I say "help", I mean... cook breakfast and lunch for my kids and mostly be stuck inside the house with 11 children.... GOOD TIMES! I think Tiffany got robbed! (Sorry Tiff... I love you!).

So at the end of the day... I had $138.00 in my pocket and LOTS and LOTS of crap that had been hauled out of my garage and was NOT going to be put back in. My dear friend, Deb, gave me a brilliant idea. She says she's just gonna put the crap out on her driveway with a sign that says "FREE!" That's awesome! I'd give someone my $138.00 to take this stuff away. Instead my car is loaded with stuff to haul to Good Will. My car, however, now has a dead battery for the 4th time in 6 weeks! OH... I should get a new battery, you say? Ya.. did that 4 weeks ago and it cost me $143.00. Now it's dead for the 2nd time SINCE getting the new battery. So minivan and it's cargo of precious crap are headed back to dealership tomorrow. This time it's the starter.... wait... wasn't I talking about "pointless garage sale"? How did I switch to "stupid, demon mini-van"? Oh yeah... deployment brain! I keep forgetting... mmmm I want PIE!......

"I Want Syrup on My Captain Crunch..."

2009-04-08T09:43:00.004-04:00

... and other weird combinations the Ducklings request.

So, this is kind of an update to the gross/not gross list. Only... this is all just plain GROSS! Below are actual requests from Huey, Dewey and Louie in the food department.
Bon Appetit!

Carrot Sticks dipped in Ketchup
this from Matthew who almost daily informs me "I am not a Ketchup Guy, Mom". So... Matthew refuses Ketchup on fries, hot dogs, burgers... you know the normal stuff. But carrot sticks?... wow that's delicious!

Strawberries dipped in ranch dressing
This very posh appetizer comes from Daniel. The other day, when trying to get out of eating his entire lunch (except for the chips) Daniel informed me "I am not a peanut butter guy", "I am not a strawberry jam guy", "I am not a sandwich guy", and the very popular, "I am not a grape guy". (I see the "I am not a _____ guy" reason to get out of eating is all the rage in pre-school world.) The best part is... Daniel says this in his limited 2-year-old vocabulary and seriously mispronounces words. So it's really more like this... "I not frape guy, mom", and "I not frandwich guy, mom", and the best one, "I not frawbry dam guy, mom". Now you tell me, how can I make the child sit there and eat when I'm laughing so hard? Of course, he IS a "frawbry guy" if it's dipped in ranch. So, that's good!

Meatballs & Mash a la Maple Syrup
How this came to be is beyond me. My guess is I hadn't quite all-the-way cleaned up breakfast by the time I was serving dinner.... I dunno... good guess. Anyway, the syrup was on the table, signaling to Andrew that it must be a condiment we are using for dinner. Mmmm...delish!

And to answer the question still nagging you... "NO"... I did not let them use syrup on the Captain Crunch. :o)

If at First You Don't Succeed...

2009-04-02T22:06:00.006-04:00

... wait a few days (until the blood stops squirting out of your eyes, and you can look at the drill without repeating all the swear words you invented) and try again. Make sure to review the helpful tips Contractor Dad was nice enough to send (after picking himself up off the floor from a major laugh attack). Repeat to yourself over and over... "I am NOT a complete moron, I am NOT a complete moron". Take a deep breath and go!

So I did it. Here is the result of my successful attempt at installing curtain rods. Four windows done including one rod raised three inches. Yay me!

The only casualty was the 3/16 drill bit (because I knocked the drill onto the floor). Ooops! Oh... and there's also the very small, but infuriating, gash the drill bit put into the hardwood floor before it broke into 3 pieces! (sorry babe! More stuff to fix. I'll get you another set of drill bits! You're on your own with the floor. I'm think'n an area rug would look GREAT there!)

There are NO new holes in the wall for Army Guy to fix! Just the original ones from last week. Shocking... I KNOW! And those holes are pretty much hidden by the curtains... so I'm think'n they will get patched when we sell the house in 3 years... or not! I'm still going to wait for Army Guy to paint because, though I am an excellent painter, I can just imagine how that might go with Huey, Dewey, and Louie running around. "Nightmare" is the word that comes to mind (just off the top of my head.)

Lessons Learned
* If you are drilling and you hit a stud... stop drilling, ditch the anchor and get a 1 1/2 inch screw. (props to Army Guy for having those on hand) (and to Contractor Dad for that handy tip.)

* When you measure and mark the wall, be sure the "marks" are lined up exactly and then drill EXACTLY on your marks. If you don't, the result is this.....

... Ya, that's a bracket leaning left. But it's OK because the one next to it leans right. So it all balances out in the end. (that's kinda "Zen" isn't it?) Whatever... I was not shooting for a general contractor's license. So in spite of the "do-it-yourselfer" flaws... I'm calling this a job well done. (or at least, "pretty ok-ish done", anyway).

A round of margaritas for everyone! I have faced the EVIL anchor and have conquered it's wickedness. I have prevailed! Hurrah!

You may now leave the congratulatory comments that I SO DESERVE! (Except for my brother... I deserve payback for the "crown moulding" zinger! Fire away bro!)

Owning a Drill Does Not a Contractor Make

2009-03-27T14:14:00.017-04:00

I can actually hear an "amen" from my very talented (general contractor) dad, 3000 miles away. So Dad, this post is for you. Try not to roll your eyes and wonder where you went wrong. You can't blame yourself. Just enjoy a good laugh and then come out here and teach me a few things! :o)

So, as of my last post I had decided to wait until Army Guy gets home in June and have him paint and hang curtains. But then... the drill started calling to me. It made me all empowered after building the storage cubes... it made me THINK I could handle hanging curtain rods. How hard can it be, right? I know how to drill a hole. (I should have known better. This is not my first disastrous attempt at curtain rod hanging!)

Tools
A good contractor will begin by having all the proper tools for the job. So I gather my tools and get to work.

Drill - check
3/16 drill bit - check
pencil - check
hammer - check
Philips screw driver bit for the drill - check
plastic building block toy (to be used as a measuring standard) (what? ... It worked!)

First step
Measure with the building block (about 3 inches) and mark the wall.

Step Two
Drill holes for the anchors. So far so good.

Step Three
Push the anchors into the wall.
(Uh oh... anchors are stuck half in and half out. I hammer them and the result is anchors that are half in and then smashed flat against the wall. CRAP! So then I think... "well... I suppose I need to remove the anchors and drill the hole deeper." So I rummage through the garage in search of the needle nosed pliers. "Got it!" Ever try to pull an anchor out of the wall? I nearly launched myself across the room with this brilliant move! So then I decide... "well, can't get the anchors out... can't hammer them in... I guess I need to trim them with a pair of scissors and just Spackle over them...then drill new holes." Genius! Ever try to trim an anchor that is half stuck in the wall? Ya... not so much a good idea! So then I decide.. "screw it... Army Guy can fix that when he gets home. I'll just drill more holes and start over." I'm happy with this plan!) Continuing on....

Step Four
Start over with step one. Get a bigger building block and mark holes 4 inches away from the window frame. This works for me.

Step Five
Decide that anchors are from Satan himself and ditch them. Instead, I decide a better plan is to just go with screws only. Because that will be so much easier.... and my curtains are not heavy... so they are not necessary.... right?

Step Five (a)
Invent a few new swear words. (It is at this point I realize that I am a little like my Dad. He invented the very useful "Dad Gummit". I'm beginning to understand how that came to be.)

Step Six
Pause for a second to police my children. Discover Andrew doing this....

Ya... that's 1/2 dozen eggs on the floor. Toddler juggling?... Just a guess!

Step Seven
Repeat all prior steps (except 6) and attach 2 more brackets to the wall.... sans the anchors.

Step Eight
Hang the curtains.... and voila!
Stand back to admire handiwork.

DAMN! The rod is sagging because the center bracket is too low. Decide "building block as measuring standard" was not such a good idea.

And then upon closer inspection....

realize the entire rod needs to be about 3 inches higher because you can see the window trim. Not such a big deal right NOW... but after I paint the walls beige... this will not be so super good! DAMN! DAMN!

Step Nine
Ponder my dilemma..... Start all over and raise the rod 3 inches (creating another 6-12 holes for Army Guy to patch) ... Or just go with it and make ALL the rods too low? Hmmm.....

Decide not to attempt the other 3 windows and just wait for MrMan. My line of thinking goes like this.... "I could spend the next 8 hours (and possibly sacrifice another dozen eggs to Andrew's juggling fascination) only to have 57 more holes in the wall and 4 rods that are not at the same level ... causing Army Guy 18 hours of work to repair and rehang. OR... I could just stop while I'm very, very behind and let Army Guy hang three rods and fix one in about 90 minutes.

Step Ten
Decide step nine is brilliant and have a Margarita to celebrate the end of my contractor career!

Step Eleven
At Some point during Margarita break, decide it could be worse... I could have hung crown moulding up-side-down. At least I'm not THAT bone-headed! :o) (sorry bro... love ya, mean it!)

I Found Army Guy's Drill and Was a Maniac!

2009-03-27T09:20:00.015-04:00

The other day I decided that the play room was OUT OF CONTROL! Seriously... look at this picture! Andrew is sitting there, all overwhelmed. He doesn't have a clue what to play with. There is just too much stuff. Sadly, this is just about average for the play room. On occasion it is actually picked up (you know.. when they are asleep), but mostly it's much, much worse than this. Andrew likes to dump the bins of tiny little things into a pile in the middle of the room. (yeah... I know... I'm the complete IDIOT that bought them a 300 piece Lincoln Log set for Christmas.) So usually there is a pile which includes 300 pieces of Lincoln Logs, 200 pieces of wooden blocks, various Thomas and Friends engines and cargo cars, wood tracks, plastic tracks, match box cars, stupid Happy Meal toys and about a zillion tiny pieces of plastic food. Oh... and I forgot the pieces to 3 different Thomas the Tank Engine puzzles... all mixed up! Lovely! Sometimes it's so bad that the boys won't play in there for DAYS! (doah... I just ratted myself out! Ya... I'm less than enthusiastic about picking up toys every day). I've decided it's much better to just let it go and then totally stress out every other Wednesday because Awesome Housekeeper is coming and I have to pick up so she can clean. (Army Guy thinks this is insanity at it's finest! "Why should you clean so she can clean?"... Whatever... It makes sense to me!)

Anyway... I went to Target and bought some storage cubes and got all "fix-it-guy-ish" with Army Guy's Drill. I can't believe how easy it was! Took about 20 minutes to assemble each unit. Matthew helped by being in charge of placing the little covers on the screws. (which are pointless because Andrew picks at them until they flick off... then I have to pick up tiny screw covers all day... Ya... those are gone!)

So, long story short... here is the result of my efforts.

Now everything is nicely tucked away in little cubes. And the best part is... they can't see the thousands of tiny pieces of plastic food and Lincoln Logs because they are hidden in the cubes. Brilliant! No more dumping just because "that's how they roll." Out of sight... out of mind! Who-ever "thunk up" the cube storage system is genius! The boys have spent three straight days playing and watching movies in the play room. AND... ooh ooh this is the best part... THE PLAY ROOM IS STAYING CLEAN AND ORGANIZED! HOLY COW!

Soon I will actually paint the walls (once Andrew is finished drawing all over them with orange crayons) and hang curtains. I'll post a new picture when I'm all done. (translation... waiting for Army Guy to get home in June so he can paint and hang curtains). Bwa ha ha!

*** Update August 17, 2010***

FINALLY got the toy room painted and curtains hung. Here's a photo of the project completely finished! Yay! Props to Army Guy for his excellent painting skills.

4:00am Snack Attack

2009-03-21T00:48:00.003-04:00

I appreciate a good snack! Occasionally I even like to sneak a snack in the middle of the night. There is nothing better than a brownie and glass of milk when everyone is asleep and the house is completely quiet. This is my idea of sheer luxury! So I should not be surprised to learn that my children enjoy a little snacky-snacky now and then as well.

This morning I woke to some serious commotion coming from the kitchen. It was 4:00 in the morning. Something went "BANG", and I thought "what the......?" I came flying out of my room and noticed that every light in the house was on. Once I got to the kitchen, I found Andrew (20 months old) standing on a chair in the pantry, foraging for a snack. He had knocked over the broom (that was the loud bang) and had managed to spill a large container of raisins and a box of spaghetti.

Of course, the first thing I said was, "wait... hold that pose... let me grab the camera!" (oh wait... no... that's not exactly what I said! Silly me!) My first reaction was .... "ARE YOU SERIOUS? WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING"? So the following pictures are actually a re-enactment of the crime. (I made the poor child climb the chair and grab the marshmallows about eight times until I got a non-blurry picture). Ya... I'm wicked like that! I'm sure my kids will be in therapy for years over this sort of thing! Serves him right for waking me up at 4:00am! Bwa ha ha!

Re-enactment of the crime.... take 8

Here are a few more photos of Andrew doing what Andrew does best! He is my mess-maker-in-chief

Naked baby and a bottle of apple juice.

Um... no that's not a pile of rat droppings! It's actually an entire bag of chocolate chips. I let the boys eat them off the floor... until they were absolutely sick of chocolate! They stopped begging for chocolate for awhile! Brilliant!

Popcorn baby! Andrew loves his snack spread out. Plates and bowls are way too refined for my little Drew.

The Week In Review

2009-03-06T10:06:00.008-05:00

This has been one of THOSE weeks. (um.. not the good kind). Let's review... shall we?

* Sunday: start the week under pressure to finish up prep for my woman's group luncheon on Thursday.

* Monday: 2/3 of my children have pink-eye

* Tuesday: serious allergic reaction to eye-drops that treat pink eye (Daniel).

* Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday: trips to Dr. to treat serious allergic reaction to med. (and when I say SERIOUS... that is really an understatement. Let's just say, Daniel's face looked like something from a horror flick)

* All Week: mostly ignoring kiddos so I have a prayer of finishing up program stuff (translation: UH OH... ducklings are wrecking havoc all over the house and I can't be bothered... just out of time)

* Can't even remember which day: SOMEBODY finds a pair of scissors and thinks it would be cool if my favorite new shirt had more of a "snowflake effect". (um.. this would NOT be a shirt from Walmart by the way. This would be something from Coldwater Creek ... aint nothin cheap from Coldwater Creek)

* Wednesday: can't decorate for my woman's group event because the chapel is booked all day. Must arrive by 8:00 Thursday morning and hope to get all prep done prior to 9:30. Getting ducklings out the door at 7:15 am was an amazing thing!

* Thursday morning: pull off woman's group event. Phew. Had to take Daniel with me because he couldn't go to daycare looking like a creature from somewhere other than planet Earth! Daniel was adorable at the event. (seriously gross looking... but adorable none-the-less)

* Thursday Night: baby vomits on me. While cleaning that up... Daniel squats on coffee table and goes pee pee. (this from a boy who has done such a good job this week in the "pee-pee-on-the-potty" department)

* 12:30 am Friday morning: baby crawls into bed with me (as usual). Cuddles up nice and sweet and then proceeds to spew all over my bed. Change bed... put down a huge beach towel and crawl into bed again. Five seconds later, baby spews all over my bed again. Sob uncontrollably while I change my bed the second time in 20 minutes. Put baby back in his bed because I only own 3 sets of king size sheets. Finally fall asleep at about 2:30 am.

* 6:30 am Friday morning: Baby comes to my room with diaper overflowing with "butt-squirts". It's so bad that when I take his diaper off, I have to wrap it in the changing pad cover and just throw it all away. Find out later that the diaper leaked THROUGH the changing pad cover and dripped all the way to the garbage can outside. Yep... It was THAT bad!

* 8:30 am. Daniel wakes up sick too. Spend Friday cleaning up barf and trying not to think "what next" because I just don't want to know.

* Friday morning: I have lost my voice. Much rejoicing is heard from the Ducklings!

* Friday, Saturday, Sunday: Spend all day every day cleaning up vomit and nasty diapers. All potty training has come to a complete stop. Daniel is back in diapers because the "butt-squirts" are coming so fast and he just can't control it.

* Sunday: Daniel has not held anything down since Thursday evening. Off to the hospital to have him checked out... fear dehydration. Spend 7 hours at the hospital while Daniel has an IV. Cry when they put the IV into his hand. Poor baby screamed so loud. I remember that pain.... it is not fun!

Keep in mind these are merely the highlights. Add to that the continued frustration of potty training, the countless ways the boys found to destroy the house while I was too busy to care, and 100 other little annoyances that occurred. Yep... It was a very, very bad week, indeed! But I have lived to tell the tale. I am a survivor! Woo Hoo!

By the way, I'm still searching for the funny.........

I Just Can't Find the Funny

2009-02-28T03:11:00.011-05:00

Okay... I haven't posted for awhile and am beginning to get desperate pleas from friends across the nation who "live for my posts and are seriously NEEDING a new story". (Really? This is what you need?) Anyway, the reason I haven't posted is I just can't find the funny lately. And let's face it... who wants to read a story about how the "ducklings" are driving me up a wall? But a story the masses want (um... well.. the dozens anyway), so a story they will get.

So I've decided to write about exactly WHY I have lost the funny! Here is reason NUMBER ONE I've got no funny right now..... POTTY TRAINING! Aggghhh where do I begin? We're all grown ups here... can we just pause for a minute while I curse like a sailor?

Here goes... The #%$&*$@ little $%*@ is just the #%$&*$@ cutest little angel at school. Such a little $#!&! He will #%$&*$@ sit on the #%$&*$@ potty for the #%$&*$@ teachers. After six #%$&*$@ hours, he is still in the same #%$&*$@ clothes and has not had a #%$&*$@ accident. Then when the #%$&*$@ little $%*@ gets home from school, he somehow #%$&*$@ forgets how to #%$&*$@ use the #%$&*$@ potty. He'll just sit there like a #%$&*$@ dumb-@$$ and insist he does not need to #%$&*$@ go. Of course the little #%$&* will #%$&*$@ pee or &*%$ himself five #%$&*$@ minutes later. So I'm #%$&*$@ cleaning up #%$&*$@ $#!& about eight #%$&*$@ times a day! $&*-$#@% little #%$&*$!

Ahhhh... that feels soooo much better! Thanks for that! I can actually hear my mother laugh and laugh while she thinks "payback is a %^&$# ya little #%$&@$" :o)

So, for those of you who might have difficulty reading "sailor speak"... here is a translation....

My sweet, precious Daniel is just the cutest little angel at school. He is so smart! He will sit on the potty for the teachers. I can pick him up six hours later and he has not needed a change of clothing. Then when my precious, precious son gets home from school, he somehow forgets how to use the potty. He'll just sit and sit for about 30 minutes and insist he does not need to go. Of course five minutes after he gets off the potty... you guessed it... oooops... pee pee (if we're lucky). This will happen about 8 times a day! Silly, silly little boy!

Poor baby gets so mad at me for making him sit on the potty. He will give me the meanest look he can muster... with really "angry eyebrows" (its the cutest thing ever) and say to me, "You mate me so mad!" and "I not wuv you amore!". To which I reply... "Ahh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... wipe a tear.. aha ha ha ha ha!" He usually ends up laughing too, but will still remind me several times during the day that he "not wuv me amore!" Hee hee he... Ok.. so that part is pretty freak'n cute.

What is NOT cute is the countless times I end up swishing itty-bitty Lightning McQueen underwear in the toilet to (eh hem... ) "un-soil" them. GROSS GROSS GROSS! The other day, after such a "swishing", the toilet became clogged beyond what was "plunge-able" because I had NO IDEA you are supposed to buy "flush-able wipes"! Really? Aren't they ALL flush-able? Anyway... it took about 18 different plungings over a six hour period to finally unclog the #%$&*$@ toilet (sorry... I slipped there). So it occurred to me... Why do I even bother to "swish"? I mean, really! Lightning McQeen underwear are about 4.79 for a 3-pack. Is saving a couple bucks so important to me that I can't just throw them out? Well... from now on that's what I'm doing! I'm buying about 18 packs of teeny-butt underoos and am considering them disposable! Brilliant!

More to come when the funny returns............

Disney World or Bust!

2009-02-13T09:32:00.025-05:00

On a beautiful spring(ish) day in the park, I had this awesomely brilliant idea.... It went something like this. "Hmmm... it would be fun to take kiddos to Disney World one day soon".

(Let me just pause for a second to acknowledge the collective groan from my cyber audience.)

I can actually hear you thinking, "Really? You thought this was a good idea? Three children... under 5... to Disney World... by yourself? Seriously?"

I know, I know. I had all those rational thoughts too. But then the wild Disney junkie in me just took over my brain. I had no control... I NEEDED a Disney fix... at any cost! (Army Guy totally gets this. I have drug him through a Disney-something park a grand total of 28(ish) days since we met (including 3 days on a Disney cruise). I'm sure it's been brutal, but he has willingly enabled my Disney habit and he has shelled out a small fortune to the Disney empire!)

Anyway... I had this thought!
At first I just disregarded it as the single most stupid idea I've ever had. But then I actually began to ponder the logistics and do some math.

"Hmmm... three very small kids plus a 9-hour drive in a mini-van equals 5 movies! I CAN DO THAT!" "So then....Magic Kingdom plus double stroller equals one too many kids. Hmmmm". Let me just make a long story short.... I hired the Disney recommended in-room nanny service to watch Andrew and then took Matthew and Daniel to the Magic Kingdom.

Now, when I had this initial thought, I believe the scene in Heaven went something like this:

God looked down upon my sorry soul and, shaking His head with a chuckle said, "My poor misguided child. I applaud your gusto and I shall reward your adventurous spirit with three beautifully behaved children for a 72-hour period. Go forth on your quest with much enjoyment for I have given you safe passage into the world of Disney". God spoke and it was so! And it was AWESOME!

The boys were fantastic. The nanny service was wonderful (expensive... but wonderful!) Andrew enjoyed his time with the nanny by playing on the playground right outside our hotel room at Disney's Caribbean Beach Resort. Matthew, Daniel and I had a really fun day at the Magic Kingdom. It could not have gone better.

In the early evening we went back to the room to get Andrew, who was just waking up from his nap. Then I took them to a sit-down restaurant.... and God withheld His favor and said "WELL NOW YOU'RE JUST TESTING ME"! Dinner was a complete nightmare... But we survived. Then we ALL went back to the Magic Kingdom for a trip on the Buzz Lightyear ride and the beautiful fireworks show. I actually had ALL THREE of them in the park with me for about 90 minutes. They were all so good! It was amazing! The angels continued to sing as we watched the fireworks.

The park closed after the fireworks show... and it was seriously crowded so we stopped off at the ice-cream shop on Main Street to share a sundae while waiting for the mass exodus of the park. After a very yummy hot fudge sundae, we leisurely headed out of the park and took a monorail ride back to our car. This kids were so happy and soooo exhausted! Everyone slept hard that night.

The next day we did some shopping at Downtown Disney, rode the carousel and little toddler train and then began our long journey home. We got home at 11:00pm and all slept like babies (wait... 3 of us ARE babies)...anyway... We had a really, really fun time and I will definitely do it again! Hopefully next time Daddy will be with us though. We had a great time, but we sure did miss our daddy!

Huey, Dewey and Louie and a Box of Trix

2009-01-24T10:10:00.010-05:00

Okay... I understand that boys must play and discover... I get that! I also get that with three small boys in the house, I am NEVER really going to have a super clean home for more than 5 minutes after the housekeeper leaves. Actually, they start to trash the downstairs as she's working on the upstairs... OY! So goes my life. However, I was unaware of exactly how much fun a box of Trix could be as a tool to trash the (mostly) clean house right after housekeeper leaves. So, because I am a fan of lists, here is a small sample of all the fun a box of Trix can bring when you are short, male, and really, really creative!

1. Let's start with the obvious.... Trix are just plain yummy. Except the yellow ones. For some reason the yellow ones are to be shunned while the orange ones are devoured. (what? this is a surprise to you?)

2. Once you've had your fill of eating all the orange ones and shunning the yellow... It's super fun to watch them cascade from the box and bounce all over a (formerly) super clean kitchen floor. If you can get away with pouring the ENTIRE box on the floor... that's even better!

3. Once the "pellets" have stopped bouncing all over the no-longer-clean kitchen floor, it is entertaining to drive Thomas and his friends through them, pretending that the pellets are giant boulders ready to derail an unsuspecting train.

4. After you've become bored with derailing trains, it's fun to flick the tiny little balls of yummy goodness like marbles.

5. During this creative play time... it's also good to eat them right from the floor. "What?... the floor is (er... was) clean, mom!" They just seem to taste better right off the floor anyway.

6. Eventually, after you've had your fill of Trix du floor, there is more fun than imaginable right there under your feet. It's AWESOME to stomp them and create an entire room of Trix dust! There really is nothing more entertaining when you're four. (um.. or two... or one!)

7. When you are finished pretending to be a GIANT Trix-stomping toddler, there is much amusement to be had if you just lay right there in the middle of the Trix dust facing your brother, and blow Trix dust into your brother's face. (This can provide HOURS of entertainment... or minutes anyway!)

8. Trix dust on a hard wood floor is slippery...so eventually you will discover it's SUPER FUN to run and slide across a floor covered in Trix dust like an indoor slip-in-slide without the water. It's really fun if you spread the dust out as much as possible and see who can slide the furthest. Chances are one of you will be able to slide the entire length of the entry hall and slam yourself against the front door.

9. Trix dust is really yummy if you just lick it straight off the floor.

10. When mom has finally had enough and brings out the vacuum with instructions to "clean up every last spec of Trix dust" it's amazingly fun to feed any remaining pellets into the super suction Dyson one at a time, all the while pretending the Dyson is going to suck your entire arm up too. This NEVER gets old!

11. Since mom has introduced a new toy (called the Dyson)... it's really fun to wander the house with this awesome discovery... attempting to suck up everything... including your brother's face!

So the question remains.... "is it worth the money to have someone clean if this is the result only an hour later?". I've come to the conclusion that it really is. Because the point is this... "If you must lick Trix dust directly from the floor, at least it's a clean floor." This somehow gives me comfort. So really... the housekeeper is just my way of assuring their "safety". It's all for them. I'm such a good mom to hire a housekeeper for them! :o)

Vomit-Fest 2009: Lessons Learned

2009-01-18T14:40:00.009-05:00

Vomit-Fest 2009 began on Saturday, Jan 10 when Daniel spewed in his car seat as we were saying good-bye to Army Guy at the airport. It continued in full force the next day when we all woke up sick sick sick. We later learned that Army Guy was sick too as he was driving to Ft. Riley from Kansas City. Since this was my first time being "sick with children", I learned a few things I had never really thought of before. So, here it is, in no particular order, the lessons learned from Vomit-Fest 2009.

1. A vomit incident can be a welcomed diversion during a teary good-bye at the airport.

2. Fabreeze doesn't get ALL the barf smell out of a car seat.

3. You should make a diagram of how the car seat goes together before taking it apart to wash.

4. When your 2-year-old throws up in his bed, you should NEVER say, "go get into mommy's bed and we'll take care of this in the morning".

5. If you MUST say, "go get into mommy's bed" (because you are somehow retarded, sleep deprived, or comatose from all the puking) it is wise to put a towel under your darling child.

6. When your precious baby boy vomits in your bed (because you are the dumb-ass that said "go get into mommy's bed" and didn't put a towel down) a king size bed is a whole lot harder to change at 3:30 am than a stupid toddler bed. See lesson #4 and avoid this rookie mistake.

7. An 18-month-old who is not sick, can find lots of fun things to do while the rest of the household is curled up in a ball on the sofa concentrating on not spewing.

8. It takes at least 4 days to discover all the ways your 18-month old found to entertain himself during vomit-fest.

9. When your sick toddler asks for chocolate milk, don't assume he must be feeling better.

10. If your toddler DOWNS a cup of chocolate milk, and immediately asks for more, don't assume it's OK because he's just "re hydrating" from all the barfing.

11. Chocolate milk vomit stains

12. If you smell vomit... there's vomit. It would be wise to turn on the light and discover the pool of puke your child is sleeping in, instead of assuming the smell is just "coming from the hamper".

13. When your child pukes in his toddler bed, chances are he spewed through the slats and got the wall too.

14. If there is dried barf running down the wall.. chances are there is a pool of dried barf on the carpet under the bed.

15. You should make every effort to keep all the drawers in your kitchen closed all the way. If a drawer is cracked even an inch... there is a slight possibility of a spewing accident in and throughout your entire Tupperwear drawer.

and finally....

16. After a long day of barfing and butt-squirts, if you feel a little better and decide to have a bite of your birthday cake... the next vomit will taste refreshingly sweet!

oh... ps... this blog entry is something I would add to the "gross" list. We can assume it would be entirely "not gross" to the boys.

Daddy is Home, by Matthew ....

2008-12-20T09:40:00.009-05:00

... as told to Mommy.

"We got in the car and we waited for Daddy. We saw Daddy come down the stairs and we hugged Daddy! I was happy! We went out for dinner. I ate hamburger and fries and Daddy had salad and we also had cheese... just cheese. We went home. Daddy watched Tom & Jerry with me. We played Candyland and Thomas the Tank Engine games. Daniel and Matthew and Mommy and Daddy. All of us was the winner. I am happy Daddy is HOME!"

So there you go. Daddy's return in a nutshell. Matthew can say in 10 sentences or less, what would take me 8 paragraphs to write. Matthew say's "you're welcome" :o)

Happy Birthday Matthew!

2008-12-16T21:54:00.013-05:00

Matthew's 4th birthday was yesterday. He is such a big boy now. I can't believe how fast these four years went. Seems like yesterday he was this tiny little bundle of love! Where did this big kid come from?

We celebrated by taking him to San Jose for chips and cheese dip. I did order real food, but for the boys it's all about the cheese dip. (Hey... It just occurred to me that the cheese dip at San Jose is WHITE... GASP! How could this be? My children devoured non-orange cheese???)

Anyway - we went to dinner... just the boys and I, and they were really, really good! So good that I am at a loss for material. But one funny thing did happen. While at the restaurant, Matthew was trying to tell me about his finger that somehow got cut, or smashed, or bit... i don't know.. something. Anyway he waves his middle finger high in the air and yells... "THIS FINGER RIGHT HERE"! I spewed Coke all over the table! For once the mess I had to clean up was made by ME!

After dinner we came home and had a tiny little birthday cake and opened a gift from "Auntie Kelli with the Black Hair". A Thomas train of some sort. Matthew LOVES IT... of course! And Daniel tries to steal it. You'd think that 3 million trains in this house would be enough... but no... Daniel must have the newest addition! Nothing else will do! Only the newest and the best... wait... kinda sounds like his mom. Oops!

Anyway - Matthew had a wonderful birthday. He is such a delightful boy and I am truly blessed to be his mama!

And now the big news... Friday night after Matthew's birthday party with his friends, we had a discussion about Christmas. He wanted to know all about baby Jesus and what it all meant. So I explained it as simply as I could and then he decided to ask Jesus into his heart. He prayed after me and he made it official. Matthew explains it this way, "Jesus in my heart"! There are no words better than those! I realize he's too young to truly understand what this means. But it's a really good start!
Happy Birthday, Matthew!
Mommy loves you so much!

Gross or Not Gross?

2008-12-13T13:55:00.011-05:00

Today I decided that I NEEDED to vacuum the nasty carpet! I know... you're all shocked! When on Earth have I actually vacuumed on "awesome housekeeper's" off week? Well, the kids did a totally superior job in trashing the place after housekeeper left.... but that's another blog entirely. So I am vacuuming... And I decide that if I'm going to make this very rare effort, I might as well give it my all. So I MOVED the furniture and everything. This was not just your everyday vacuum job... this was "super-mom-discovers-she-actually-owns-a-vacuum-and-must-find-out-how-this-strange-contraption-works!" Anyway... as I move the coffee table, we learn that a cookie has been living under there for... well... a very long time. Who really knows how long. So, as I'm vacuuming I say to Daniel, "Dano, can you get that cookie and...." (I have to pause mid-sentence, because before I can say, "throw it in the trash"... the cookie is gone and "icky-boy" is happily chewing really old... most likely very stale... possibly moldy... disgusting cookie!") So I would call that "GROSS". But that got me thinking... my kids and I have very different ideas of what is and is not gross. Here is a sample of what my precious boys believe to be gross or not gross.

Roast Chicken and Mashed Potatoes: Gross
McDonald's Chicken Nuggets: Not Gross

Mozzarella, Provolone, Swiss or any other
"non-orange" cheese: Really Gross
Nasty processed American "Squirt Cheese" in a can: Not Gross.

Spaghetti Sauce: TOTALLY Nasty Gross
Boogers (old or new, wet or dry, any color): Not Gross. Quite tasty, in fact!

Steak: Gross, gross, gross, gross!
Old french fries under the car seat: Deliciously non-gross

Scrambled eggs: So gross they are horrified at the thought.
Finger painting with poop: A totally cool form of artistic expression... oh.. and very NON gross!

I could go on and on... but I think the point is clear. I live in bizzaro world. What I believe to be disgusting is actually very, very cool! So I've decided to re-think how I approach dinner time. Perhaps a steaming plate of.... oh never mind... That's just entirely too gross to even type! :o)

Huey, Dewey & Louie Go To Michael's

2008-12-04T19:09:00.013-05:00

The following story is true... I swear! It is not exaggerated in any way. Even I could not make this up!

Yesterday I had some shopping to do at Michael's. Now, those of you with small children are aware that the aisles at Michael's are very narrow, thus making it impossible to place your stroller anywhere in the store that is out of reach of stuff! You can't even do the "put-your-stroller-in-the-center-of-the-aisle" trick... because that will only enable your precious, precious children to access stuff on both sides of the aisle. This is NOT good.

So we are in the candle aisle. Somebody... not sure which one... breaks a small glass votive candle holder. It goes splat all over the place. I'm standing there in a zillion shards of glass and trying to get the attention of someone to help. No such luck. So I push the stroller around the corner to the ribbon aisle and instruct Matthew to "stay and watch your brothers"... I head off, in search of someone to inform about the glass. While I'm away Matthew did, indeed, watch his brothers. He watched them "access" about 8 rolls of ribbon and throw the spools down the aisle, causing about 160 feet of ribbon to unravel all over the floor.

Now we have one aisle with broken glass, and one aisle nicely decorated with ribbon. Oh... but "we're" not done yet. As I am trying to re-roll 160 feet of ribbon, and Andrew is continuing to throw more ribbon spools on the floor... more unraveling ... Matthew comes to me and says "mom... I think there is something wrong with my foot". (just a side note... Matthew is wearing his Lightning McQueen Crocs in December... because... well... I am the worst mother on Earth. ) Anyway... turns out, there is glass inside his shoe and his toe is bleeding. I frantically search my purse for a tissue... Band Aid... gauze pad... tourniquet... there is nothing. But then a light bulb goes off and I pull out..... wait for it..... a pantie-liner!

So I am kneeling on the floor of Michael's, holding a pantie-liner to my 4-year-old son's toe, while his brothers continue to "decorate" with ribbon and customers try to avoid glass on the next aisle. It occurs to me, "this is one of those 'mom' moments!". I start to laugh... and laugh... and start to cry because I find this so incredibly funny. Matthew looks at me as if to say "why are you laughing... my toe is cut!" All I can tell him is... "I know you don't understand, but this is really, really funny". Then I put the pantie-liner inside his shoe and it is the perfect fit... Like some sort of Dr. Scholls-Lite-Days-Sole-Insert. We continue to shop, knowing that Matthew has several hours of "protection".

Fast forward about 5 hours. It's bath time. I have totally forgotten the pantie-liner incident. Matthew brings me his "sole insert" while I'm at the computer.... and he says to me, "Mom... my toe is all better. Thanks for the shoe band-aid." I'm on the floor laughing again..... The child just slays me!

And I'm certain we are no longer welcome at Michael's. :o)

"Viewmaster Should Not Take A Bath"

2008-11-28T10:33:00.011-05:00

File that under "phrases I never thought I'd say". Those words actually came out of mouth this morning, followed by, "well... there's the title for my next blog entry".

Today began like any other day. With the sound of Andrew's voice bellowing down the hall "MA!" "MA!" "MA!" I entered his room and was greeted by the waft of a very distinct odor. Then I discovered some "leakage" from his diaper. This was NOT a good kind of leakage. This "leakage" should have been solid... but sadly, was NOT!

So... off to the bath for stinky-boy! As I drew his bath, "happy-naked-baby" ran about the house in search of awesome toys for this morning bath-time adventure. Into the bath went the usual toys: duck, boat, infant-snot-sucking-device (which is now a really cool water squirter) and the Viewmaster, loaded with a reel of farm animal pictures. You would think the paper picture wheel would become soggy-mush in the water... but surprisingly the Viewmaster functioned normally, even while filled with water. No doubt due to some highly advanced modern technology. So the question remains... Why can a $7.95 picture-viewing device take a bath, while a $149.95 Kodak Easy-Share clearly cannot? Seems Kodak could learn a thing or two from "Matel". Just something to ponder!

What We Are Thankful For

2008-11-27T21:43:00.011-05:00

This year we decided to spare the turkey and were instead very thankful with lasagna.... and garlic bread and Caesar salad. This is a tradition that comes from the lesser-known Italian Pilgrims who were also at the first Thanksgiving feast.... with their pasta, canolies and wine. Never heard of them, you say? Well... it was probably Guido & Luigi Johnson and some sort of "wine incident" that got them written out of history. Anyway - we decided you don't need turkey in order to be thankful. (When I say "we", I am including the Moss Family and the Winters Family who joined us for our less-than-traditional feast.)

We had a wonderful time. There was yummy food, "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" on the TV, and a rousing game of "pin-the-Pilgrim-hat-on-the-turkey"! The kids had a blast with that one. Tiffany made a wicked-awesome pumpkin cheesecake and Kim brought a very yummy pecan pie. Mmmmmm....

After the party, Matthew and I had a discussion about what we are thankful for. It went something like this.

Me: Matthew what are you thankful for?

Matthew: Oranges
Me: (not surprised, but looking for something with a little more depth... I ask him again)
Matthew: Apples
Me: Oh... those are yummy... but what are you really really thankful for? (This time I am confident I asked the question just right so he'll understand I'm looking for something profound)
Matthew: Ohhhhh... (as if he finally gets what I'm looking for) STRAWBERRIES!
Me: Also... very yummy! What ELSE are you thankful for?
Matthew: YOU!

Okay... now we are getting somewhere. It's good to know the whole pregnancy, birth, serious-sleep-deprivation, and vomit-down-the-cleavage incidents got me an honorable mention behind fruit salad.... but whatever. The important thing is that my son is thankful for me. I am content with that. At bed time we talked about Thanksgiving again and he added a few more things to his list.

* Daddy
* Ms. Tiffme and she's Children and she's Daddy (I'm guessing he means her HUSBAND and not her DAD)
* Joel
* Thomas the Train
* Elli and Elli's mom & dad
* Our house
* Skittles

So that's the list. Those of you who did not make the list will just have to work harder. :o)

And here is my list (in no particular order)

* My wonderful husband (who is missed very much this year)
* My adorable children (even when they are somewhat less than adorable)
* Our beautiful home
* Food in the pantry
* A healthy family
* Our nation
* Good Friends to get me through this deployment
* Mr. Shawn for doing the dishes
* God's unchanging, unending, unconditional love

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thomas & His Friends

2008-11-25T19:00:00.006-05:00

Just a little Mystery Science Theater we thought Daddy would enjoy! :o)

If They Just Loved Lime....

2008-11-23T23:28:00.022-05:00

The boys love orange. They are obsessed with orange. They fight over who gets the orange plate, the orange bowl, the orange crayon, the orange shirt, the orange train..... (oddly it is somehow understood that all orange cups belong to Matthew.) They love to wear orange, color with orange, paint with orange.... orange, orange orange. Matthew told me yesterday we should paint the "train room" orange. (I don't know what is worse, the fact that my nearly-4-year-old wants orange walls in the train room, or that we have an entire room in our home dedicated to trains.) Anyway.... back to orange.
They only eat orange food.... mostly. Here is a list of their favorites: cantaloupe, cheese (definitely NOT the white kind,) macaroni and cheese, Cheese-itz, Goldfish, orange juice, carrots and of course... the king of all orange foods... the orange substance that rocks their world and makes them all squishy inside... Orange Jello!!!

Now I have nothing against the color orange (well... I certainly would not wear an orange sweatshirt since it would make me look like a big 'ol pumpkin). But as colors go... it's okay. It definitely ranks much higher than say... taupe. But I DO have a major problem with orange Jello. Because that sticky little treat is stealth. It can hang out on a hardwood floor and go unnoticed all day (that is IF you are not walking around barefoot!)

So, yesterday the boys and I made orange Jello. It was a major big deal because Matthew got to STIR! Yes, that's right, the sky opened up and the angels sang and Matthew beamed with pride at his stirring ability. He is quite talented! So we made the Jello and I told them they could have it for snack if they ate a good lunch. Well... they ate a good lunch (mostly orange foods... but whatever).

They were so happy to have orange Jello they were almost beside themselves. So they ate their Jello... and it was good. It was good all over their faces and hands and shirts and chairs. It was good in their hair. It was really, really good! Now before I continue, let me just mention that I usually wear my Crocs in the house to avoid another stair-surfing incident (just a side note). So I cleaned up the Jello and went on with my day. We played, we ate dinner, I cleaned the kitchen again. Finally at about 11:00pm, as I was heading to bed (without my Crocs this time because...well... who sleeps in crocs? duh!) I stepped in something cold, and gooey, and sticky. I looked down and ... what the heck?... there was nothing there! WHAT ON EARTH? It was not until I was down on my hands and knees with a wet cloth seriously searching for the source of the nastiness currently oozing between my toes, that I discovered orange Jello all over the floor. And I mean ALL OVER the floor. Seriously! It was there for about 8 hours and I never knew it. Gross... I know!

So it is my new mission as a mother to convince my children that Lime is the very best flavor of Jello. "Lime is all the rage with toddlers nation-wide". "The cool kids like lime". "Lime is the new orange!" (I know... nobody likes lime Jello.... and I am evil... and wicked in every way... Bwaaa Haa Haa!) But can you imagine how much better my life would be if they just loved lime?

There is a New Rule in Our Home

2008-11-22T08:49:00.032-05:00

In every home there must be rules and regulations. Some rules are for safety purposes and must be strictly followed. No exception. Here are a few examples:

* You are not allowed to hold a BBQ lighter anywhere
near your brother's head

* When mommy is unloading the dishwasher, you are not
allowed to 'help' with the steak knives

* If you must wear a Huggies box as a hat, you are not
allowed to go anywhere near the stairs

Other rules help us to keep order in the home, and are followed with some flexibility. Like these:

* All toys live in the toy room

* Boys who are learning to use the potty must also learn
how to use the Clorox wipes right beside the potty
(this is a good rule)

Then there are the rules that are mere suggestions...purely for mommy's sanity and for no other reason at all. These rules include:

* The silverware lives in the silverware drawer and Thomas the Tank Engine does not

* It's a good idea for only one boy at a time to sit in the Huggies box (this rule came to me as I type while all boys are, in fact, trying to sit in one Hugggies box at the same time.)

But we have a new rule that comes under the heading of "Personal Growth and Self Discovery". This new rule applies to all members of the household and goes something like this:

* Your binky, if you choose to use one, must be left in your crib / toddler bed / twin bed / king bed (whichever applies) and is only for use at night-night or nap time

Four out of five members of this household are not having an issue with this new decree. (This rule is optional for those of us who are currently deployed as "bunk beds" are not officially mentioned in said rule). However, one of us is having serious difficulty with the regulation and had a major melt down yesterday when the rule went into effect. This rule is currently under appeal and could end up being heard by the Family Circuit Court (Daddy) and ultimately by the Grand kids Supreme Court (Grandpa). In either case, I am confident the letter and spirit of the law will be upheld. My biggest concern at this time, is that somehow the ACLU will get wind of this rule and come to the aid of a very distraught 16-month-old who believes his civil liberties have come under attack. Should this happen, causing a reversal of decision, we will consider bringing an amendment before the voters next fall.

Below is a one minute clip of the "Binky Rule Protest". Enjoy!

I Still Do

2008-11-20T20:25:00.017-05:00

Long, long ago (10 years) and far, far away (California) these two young (30-something) kids got married. It was a beautiful sunny (75 degrees) autumn day! The birds were singing, the planets lined up, the universe was at one with nature and everybody was happy forever and ever amen........... Fast forward ten years, three children, and a couple of deployments.... And I am still living in Bliss (the state of mind, not the fort in Texas) and am completely happy to be Mrs. Army Guy.

When this picture was taken, I was happy and hopeful but not really certain about this thing called marriage. But I thought... "hey, I'll give it a shot". Turns out marrying this man is the smartest thing I've ever done. It has been an incredible journey and I am looking forward to growing old together.

Let me brag about my husband for a second. This is the kindest and most thoughtful person I have ever met in my life. It is just God's blessing to me that he happens to be my husband and best friend. This man wanted to be SUPER SURE I received my anniversary cards on time. (I say "CARDS" because his love is bigger than what can be expressed in just one Hallmark card.) Army Guy sent three this year. And he didn't just stick a .42 cent stamp on them and forget about it... he really covered his bases and sent them EXPRESS because the post office could not guarantee delivery in time if he sent them PRIORITY. So he sent them Express to make SURE they would arrive a full two-days early. They did arrive on Tuesday, Nov 18th... however I was not home and the postman (er... post lady-person) did not leave the express envelope on my doorstep. Instead I got a slip that said "we tried to deliver... bla bla bla... we'll try again tomorrow". Two days later and still no "EXPRESS" envelope. So I call the post office and they said "we don't attempt to re-deliver, you have to come get the package". To which I reply, "Then why did my letter carrier check 'we will attempt to re-deliver tomorrow'? Long story short... they will (hopefully) deliver my cards tomorrow. But I think the stupid post office owes Mr. Man a $18.95 refund. Anyway... I digress.... I included that story to make this point.... My husband will (and does) go out of his way (every day, all the time) to do whatever it takes to keep me happy. His motto is "Happy wife... happy life". Not that I am difficult to keep happy, but this man has not stopped making every effort, every day, for ten years of marriage. And I find that truly remarkable!

So, here we are 10 years later. A little more weight (US).... a few more wrinkles (ME)... a lot less hair (sorry babe) and I am still madly in love with him. He is more handsome today than the day I met him and I am truly blessed and loved.

Oh... and did I mention these (below) that were left on my doorstep today? Nice! Ten roses for 10 years, and stargazer lilies because they were in my bridal bouquet. Just another reason to love him... he remembers the little things.

Toddler Time at a Local Steak House

2008-11-19T00:20:00.009-05:00

Tonight we went to dinner with our good friends Brian, Kelly, & Elli to celebrate Brian's birthday at a local family restaurant in our neighborhood. They make a mean burger and are pretty family friendly, so I figured it would be ok.....
For those of you who don't remember how dinner at a steak house with 4 children under 5 might go..... Let me just set the scene for you....

Cast of Characters

Elli: Four years old and adorable. Elli enjoys being the center of the the boys' universe.
Matthew: A smidge younger than four. He adores Elli.
Daniel: Two-and-a-half. Also adores Elli but enjoys being a puppy more.
Andrew: Affectionately called "Baby". He is not quite one-and-a-half and really, really adores ketchup.
Brian: Elli's really cool dad and the birthday boy.
Kelly: Elli's graceful mom
Margaret and Sam: Kelly's Mom & Step Dad
Me

So here is just a small sample of how dinner went....

Elli: Matthew!
Matthew: Elli!
Daniel: Bark! Bark!
Baby: AAAUUGGHHH! (throws sippy cup on the floor)
Me: (frantically searching diaper bag for something to feed baby while we wait for the food)
Me: Daniel, get up off the floor. You are not a puppy!
Daniel: Bark! Bark!
Baby: (biting table)
Matthew: I want a corn dog!
Me: You don't like the bread on corn dogs.
Matthew: I do like corn dogs. I want them!
Me: Who smells poopy?
Baby: Uh oh! (Throws cup on the floor)
Daniel: I want chicken
Me: I really need to feed baby before he loses it.
Baby: (loses it)
Daniel: I want grilled cheese
Me: Daniel, do you want grilled cheese or chicken?
Daniel: Grilled cheese chicken
Me: Hey there's some bread on that table over there
Baby: still biting table
Brian: That was left by someone else
Kelly: They didn't touch it. It should be good.
Me: (getting leftover bread because I am desperate to feed baby ANYTHING so he'll stop crying... and biting the table!)
Elli: Ms. Lori, can I have some bread?
Daniel: Bark! Bark! Bread! (crawling under table)
Me: Daniel do you want chicken?
Daniel: chicken grilled cheese
Baby: (drinks milk and spews it onto the table. Laughs hysterically)
Me: Who smells poopy?
Sam: (taking pictures of kids acting like idiots in a restaurant.)
Me: This bread is hard as a rock.
Sam: (banging the bread on the table) This is good bread!
Elli: Ms. Lori, can I have some bread?
Waitress delivers food
Matthew: Hey! I don't like the bread on corn dogs!
Baby: Whaa whaaa whaaa. Oh.. French fries!
Daniel: I wanted a hot dog!
Matthew (picking the bread off his corn dog)
Kelly (attempting to have an adult conversation with me)
Me: (blank stare)
Daniel: (Ignoring the plate his food was served on and eating straight off the table)
Baby: (Ignoring anything that resembles food while enjoying finger painting with ketchup)
Elli: Ms. Lori, can I have some butter on my bread?
Kelly: ELLI!
Sam: Hey is that Santa Clause over there? (steals a French fry from Elli's plate)
Matthew: (finishes picking every scrap of bread from his corn dog and runs around the restaurant with Elli.)
Daniel: (loses all interest in food and returns to his dog house under the table)
Me: thank goodness we are the only ones in this restaurant
Baby: (standing in the high chair). Whaa whaa whaa. (throws cup on the floor)
Me: Daniel get up off the floor
Daniel: (reaches from under the table to grab a chicken nugget)
Brian: Lori, are you ok?
Me: Who smells poopy?
Elli: Ms. Lori, can I have some butter on my bread?
All kids: running around the restaurant
Me: Blank stare

Fast forward four hours..... the kids are all asleep and I suddenly realize.... "Hey! WHO WAS POOPY?"

(note: the above described events really DID take place and are only slightly exaggerated. No children were harmed during the course of the evening... much... and all children DID, in fact, go to bed with clean butts!) :o)

Do You Think These Children Make My Butt Look Big?

2008-11-17T21:55:00.004-05:00

... to which my husband would very cleverly reply, "No honey, your butt makes your butt look big". :o)

Okay, everyone calm down. Before you speed dial Army Guy to read him the riot act, keep these two things in mind. 1) He's not wrong... and 2) He didn't really say that... but he would if he were here. And that's the stuff I'm missing with him gone. The daily silly stuff.

Army Guy left for Kansas in mid October where he is currently in training prior to his deployment to Iraq. I've decided to start a blog mainly to keep him current with the latest happenings in this crazy house while he's away. But also to keep our family and friends across this nation up to date. For the next 15 months it's going to be me and these silly, adorable little men. Working like crazy not to become.... well.... crazy! So far so good! But we sure do miss Daddy like CRAZY!