Uh oh... Someone is on Santa's Naughty List

Dewey(4), Louie (3) on a rare
"non-fighting" occasion

How, exactly, does a child go from being "the sweet one" all year long and then BAM, end up on Santa's naughty list just a few days before Christmas? Oh..... This is a good one! Sit back and enjoy the latest Duckling Tale.

So, yesterday Dewey and Louie were sitting in the toy room playing Super Nintendo. Those of you, who know Dewey well, know that he is a very pleasant child. He is sweet and snugly and helpful... he is just a delight. However, nobody can push his buttons like Louie. Louie is very, VERY good at being three. He has his sweet moments as well, but mostly he's just.... THREE!!!

The two were playing quietly for a while and then the inevitable fight broke out. I'm not really certain what happened. There was a struggle, some yelling and pushing.... you know the standard sibling stuff. And THEN..... Louie came to me crying. It took me a second to decipher his message through the tears (and the 3-year-old speech impediment). His appearance gave me a small clue. Louie's clothes were all wet. "Hmmmm", I thought, "they were not playing outside.... nobody had a drink in the toy room... what the...?" And then I understood Louie's message. "Mommy", he said as he was sobbing, "Dewey went pee pee on me!" WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?

At first I thought, "maybe they were wrestling and Dewey had an accident.... or maybe....." Then Dewey came out, he was completely dry and saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Mommy, I'm sorry". Hmmm... Another clue....

So, from my excellent detective skills, here is how I have concluded the incident went down. Dewey finally got fed up with whatever Louie was doing to him. Apparently there is a breaking point... even for "the sweet one", and Dewey had reached it. And how did he choose to communicate his frustration? Well... he pulled 'em down, whipped it out and went pee all over his brother. Yes, right there IN the toy room.

I was shocked... and outraged... OUTRAGED! (And also slightly amused.) It took all I could muster to keep a straight face while I marched the child straight up to his Dad and made him explain what he did. So... here's how THAT went:

Dewey: (sobbing) "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry"
Daddy: (big booming voice) "What did you do?"
Dewey: "I.... sniffle, sob.... I'm sorry"
Me: "Tell Daddy what you did to YOUR BROTHER"
Daddy: "Dewey? You better tell me right now mister... and don't even think about lying to me."
Dewey: "Sorry, sorry, sob sob, sorry"
Me: "Daddy, he went PEE PEE on his brother!!!"
Daddy: "WHAT?!?!?!?!?!"
Dewey: (sobbing.... pleading) "sorry"
Daddy: "WE DON'T PEE ON OUR BROTHERS" 
Me: (Trying hard to keep a straight face, because, though I am still OUTRAGED... I'm finding this whole scene hilarious.)
Daddy: "I think that just got your name on Santa's naughty list."
Dewey: "Nooooooo... Whaaaaaaaaaa Sorry sorry sorry"
Me: (trying super hard not to look at Army Guy, because if his face breaks, I will LOSE IT.. and then it's all over.)
Daddy: "Do you want me to pee on YOU?!!"
Me: (OMG... I'm going to burst any second....)
Dewey: "Nooo!"
Daddy: "We can't just walk around peeing on people... the police will take you to jail for that sort of thing."
Me: (repeating to myself "dead puppies, dead puppies, don't break, keep it together)

This little scene went on for about 10 minutes. I am proud to say that my high school acting class came in quite handy. I did not allow my face to break and Dewey received the appropriate lecture/crap-scared-outta-him. And though I am still mortified and appalled... I simply cannot tell the story without laughing. Ah... never a dull moment around here... NEVER! :o)

AAaannnnnnnddddd There's the Truth

Huey - 5

This week I made a shocking discovery! SHOCKING! It turns out my biggie kindergarten baby is frequenting the salad line at the school cafeteria! Whaaaaza? This little tid-bit of information was revealed to me when the school nurse called while Huey was there in her office. You see Huey has eczema and is also allergic to peanut and egg white. The food allergy always shows up as a rash on his face and then triggers an outbreak of eczema. Huey knows he should not eat ranch dressing, but he LOVES it! At home, I give him a ranch dip made from sour cream. But at school, he is in charge of what he eats. Apparently he has concluded that the rash is worth the ultra "yummies" he enjoys from his salad. Or... maybe there is more to the story...?

So Louie and I visited Huey at school and we ate lunch with him. Low and behold... right before my very eyes, the child ordered a chef salad with ranch dressing. I sat there watching him dip cucumbers in the dressing.... he seemed to enjoy his lunch very much. And then the following conversation took place:

Me: "You know that salad dressing is going to make you itchy, right?"
Huey: "I know".
Me: "If you eat too much you'll need Benadryl"
Huey: Yep... I know".

Then Huey got this smirk... It's the same one I've seen in Army Guy's family. I've seen this smirk/grin from Huey's dad, grandfather, and even his great-grandfather. (The men in Army Guy's family are very charming). And when I saw this smirk, I instantly knew the truth. But just to make sure I asked one more question.

Me: "are you eating salad every day so you can see the nurse?"
Huey: HUGE grin "I like the nurse"!

DOAH... My 5-year-old is working the system so he can get out of school and hang out with the nurse! Yep... he's definitely Papa John's great-grandson!

You Learn Something New Every Day

Huey- 5, in his Thomas the Tank Engine swim trunks.

Today I learned that you should never say THIS to a 5-year old boy at the water park:"Hey Buddy, why are you wearing underwear with your swim suit?"

Anyone wanna take a guess at what happened next? In my mind it's all very slow-motiony. It goes something like this...

It's 20 minutes after the innocent underwear inquiry and I am standing at the edge of the pool watching Dewey and Louie while they swim. Huey is standing at the other side of the pool near our towels and shoes and is apparently quite bothered by this new revelation that it's taboo to wear tighty-whities under your swim trunks. He then decides to correct the problem immediately. His back is turned to me and I see a bare white bottom make an appearance. So here's me... yelling in slow motion across the pool... "Huey Noooooooo!" Of course the water park is really really loud and VERY crowded so Huey can't hear me. I yell again. "HHUUEEEYYYY!!! NOOOOOOO! NOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOO!!"

At this point I'm stuck across the pool and there is NOTHING I can do about my son who is flashing the entire Ft. Jackson community. Luckily... swim trunks are really hard to take off when they are wet. So he can't quite get them off. Unluckily... he can't quite get them back up either. So he turns around in search of me for some assistance. I'm still a crazy person waving and yelling to get his attention. By this time the entire pool sees what is happening. (Ok, maybe not. But it's my story... let me tell it my way!) So I jump into the pool and swim to my son and then assume my duty as official towel holder while he makes major wardrobe adjustments. Huey looks at me like "what's the big deal mom?" Sigh..... next time I ignore his drawers until we get home. Lesson learned!

Hmmmm....What To Do... What To Do?

Huey - 5, Louie - 3, Dewey - 4
enjoying an indoor camping adventure

So here's our dilemma... It's summer in South Carolina. Let me just set the scene for those of you unfamiliar with what those words actually mean.

It's about 800 degrees outside and the air is so thick and humid I swear a person could actually DROWN while trying to breathe. (Okay... maybe not... but it FEELS like it... and that's what's important)

So it's hot and sticky and we have NASTY thunderstorms 2 to 3 times a week. These MASSIVE downpours flood the state with hot rain, which tends to fill up swimming pools with HOT water. Yesterday we went to the pool on post and the water was WARMER THAN BODY TEMPERATURE!!! This is serious people!!! There's nothing like jumping into a sparkling pool on a 105 degree day only to be hit.... SMACK... with 100 degree pool water. NOT REFRESHING!

So, here's a list of things we can't do in the summer.

• Ride Bikes
• Play in the clubhouse
• Swim
• Go to the park
• Visit the zoo
• Jump in the bouncy house
• Participate in any outside activity the rest of the country considers to be normal summer fun.

(We actually COULD run in the sprinklers outside...except for the fact that our lawn is being completely over-watered by rain right now... so that's out)

So presented with this unusual set of circumstances, The Ducklings and I decided it would be fun to "camp" in the house. We set up their little tent in the living room and then got inside. We read lots of books with a flashlight. Then we had lunch in the tent, and then played a riveting game of Uno followed by Candy Land. Because... you know... anything you do in a tent is waaaaayyyy more fun that doing it NOT in a tent! That's just fact! Even (microwave) S'mores taste pretty good in a tent!

Anyway, it was a pretty fun day and we all had a great time on our camping adventure. Now... what to do tomorrow? Sigh.

I'm Call'n It!

"The Ducklings" on Louie's birthday. 2/3 are enjoying a poop-free backside.
1/3 is on the verge of sheer brilliance!

Exactly two years, 5 months, and 28 days ago I began potty training Huey, who had just turned 3. At the time I thought he would NEVER get it, but in retrospect, I think only 30 days was quite genius! Fast forward through the training of the next two boys (which, by the way, was neither pretty nor genius) and here we are... all done! Let me just say... THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST 26 YEARS OF MY LIFE!!! (Okay, 2 1/2.... but it SEEMED much longer! Seriously!!!)

And today I'm calling it: "Mission Accomplished"! And I don't mean "Mission Accomplished" in that "flying-in-on-a-jet-plane-for-a-photo-op" kind of way that really meant "we-have-tons-of-work-to-do-but-isn't-this-flight-suit-cool?” When I say "Mission Accomplished" I mean... "FINISHED, COMPLETE, DONE, OVER, and WE AIN'T GOT NO MORE POOPY PANTS" kind of Mission Accomplished! LOL (Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to the former president, who I still love... I just needed to clarify what "Mission Accomplished" really means to me!) :o)

So I wanted to take a second to give props to my super genius boys who, I must admit, at times had me wondering if they were somewhat... uh.... ssslllooowww. Three Cheers to the Ducklings who have successfully conquered the proper placement of poop! Brilliant!!!

Now... let's get to work on perfecting our "aim"... shall we?

The Blog Has A New Look

This blog face-lift is dedicated to "The Ducklings" who LOVE LOVE LOVE all things orange! :o)

Uh... Something Got Lost in Translation

So, this is how my Monday began...

6:35 am
Dewey: (whispering) "Mom... wake up, Mom! Can I play Nintendo?"

Me: "mmmmmm... wha? mmmm"

Dewey: "Can I play Nintendo?"

Me: "Not right now sweetie... wait until everyone wakes up."

Dewey: "Okay mom."

6:37 am
Dewey: (Yelling in the living room). "EVERYBODY WAKE UP! MOM SAYS WHEN YOU GET UP I CAN PLAY NINTENDO!!!"

Me: "sigh......"

Dewey: "I SAID WAKE UP... LET'S PLAY NINTENDO!!!"

6:38 am
"Somehow" all the Wii remotes in the house are smashed into 1,000 tiny pieces after having "accidentally" hit the wall. (wait.. maybe I dreamed that part).

9:45 am
The above conversation leaves me pondering three questions:

1. WHY can't I drag this child's butt out of bed in time to get his brother to Pre-School by 9:00am during the school year?

2: WHEN is nap-time?

3: WHO wants to buy a Wii? (really cheap)

Sometimes You Just Gotta Shake Your Head and Giggle

This week we all went to Vacation Bible School at our church. It was a fantastic week! I got to lead a group of first-graders while the boys had lots of fun singing and learning Bible stories and making cute crafts! We all had a great time.

On the final day of VBS, the children participated in the traditional program for all the parents. All the kids (about 200) stood on stage and sang songs for the parents. It was really cute. Since Huey's class was the youngest, they ended up right in front. I sat there in the front row, holding Dewey, and watching Huey sing... and I was so proud....

And then... it all went terribly wrong!

Dewey distracted me for a second mid-way through the program. When I looked up again.... Huey was GONE! Vanished! I searched the stage and could not find him anywhere! How on Earth do you lose a child while he's standing less than 10 feet in front of you? After 30 seconds of frantically searching the group, I finally found him.... and then.... I was both horrified and amused by the events that unfolded before my eyes!

Huey had worked his way across the stage to where a live mic was stationed for the older kids with speaking parts. My darling son, now obsessed with the microphone, planted himself in front of the mic stand, tilted the mic down to his level... then stood on his very tippy tippy toes and strained his neck up as high as he could and then... began to sing directly into the mic.... LOUDLY! He then proceeded to make faces and act like... well... like a 5-year-old who is experiencing a microphone for the first time ever. At some point the sound guy got a clue and turned off the mic. All the teachers just ignored him... while I slithered under the pew and hid. Yeah... I was proud!

At some point, I crawled out from under the pew and caught Huey's eye and gave him that (Get-your-butt-away-from-that-mic, young-man) non-verbal glare that he immediately understood! Huey promptly worked his way back to his spot and began singing like the sweet child I know and love.... who likes to pick and eat his boogers....... sigh....

As soon as the janitor leaves I'll finally crawl out from under the pew and make my way home.... any time now....

Combat in Arms 101

Lesson #1:
Never Mess With Superior Fire Power




Lesson #2:
If You're Holding A Weapon... You're In The Fight


Lesson #3:
It's Unwise To Pause For Refreshment During The Battle


Lesson #4
Know When Hand-to-Hand Combat Has Failed. Call For Long Range Missiles!


Lesson #5
Refer to Lesson #1.... And Take Cover!

Serving Fruit Kabobs is NOT Genius...

Super sweet four-year-old on his birthday

Dewey has never had a birthday party. So I figured... "It's time!" (It's time to just suck it up and endure the nightmare of a 4-year-old birthday party to show my son he is important.) "I can do this".... I think to myself. "How hard can it be?"

So, in order to make things easier on myself, I decided that a bouncy house would be the best way to keep the Darling Children entertained! Every kid loves a bouncy house... right? So I hit the Internet hard in search of bouncy rentals. What I found out was unbelievable! It costs roughly $250.00 to rent a bouncer for 4 hours!!! Say Whaaaaa?!?!?! So then I hit the Internet harder in search of a more reasonable solution. Because... lets face it... there was GOING TO BE a bouncy house at Dewey's party. I was not about to let 13 small children into my home with nothing to do! I'm not THAT crazy! So after days and days of investigating, I found some great bouncers for SALE on eBay! Whoa.... you mean I can spend twice as much to OWN ONE FOREVER? That's waaaayyy better than renting one for 4 hours! SCORE! (Additional bonus: This will provide me some SANITY during the loonnngggg summer break! Woo Hoo!!!!)

So we settled on this adorable Lion Bouncer.


I say "we" settled on this one but in reality the ducklings wanted a train one. But that one was too small and I very convincingly argued that it would be shipped from Washington State and would not make it in time for the party. So we "unanimously" chose the lion. It's about 16'x15' and has a SLIDE... so, of course, The Ducklings love it!

Dewey's birthday party was a huge success. The kids had a great time and I even survived to tell the tale.

Wait.. wasn't this supposed to be about Kabobs? Oh yeah... so here's a handy little tip regarding my genius idea to serve fruit kabobs to 4-year-olds.... DON'T DO IT!!! LOL! Actually, the kabobs were wildly popular among the kids. They all ate their fruit... so that was good. But the secondary reason for the kabob's popularity involved the repeated use of the phrase "You'll put your eye out with that thing!!!" Seems 4-year-olds really like to sword fight with kabob sticks! WHO KNEW?

Here's a few more photos of the birthday boy! Oh and.... I have a bouncy house available for rent.... Cheap! LOL

Dewey modeling the baseball jersey, glove and ball he
received from Grandma!

A big boy with a BIG BOY bike!!!

Mario and Alvin... two of Dewey's favorite things!
Thank you Auntie Kelli (with the black hair)

How do you do a "Mario Cake" when bakeries
don't offer one? Simple... you order a cloud and star
cake, and then add some sprinkles and Mario
Figurines you bought on eBay! (I love eBay!)

The birthday boy at his party!

How My Summer Diet Began

The other day I over-heard the following conversation between Huey and Dewey.

Dewey: "That's a LOT of chocolate! Do you think we can eat that much chocolate? I just don't know!"

Huey: "Well... if we eat THAT MUCH chocolate we'll be fat like Daddy and Mommy"

DOAH!!! Smacked down by a 5-year old!

In his defense, I have to disclose that "you'll get fat like mommy" is my general excuse for not letting them have (a) another piece of cake, (b) all the candy in their Easter Basket, or (c) any of my secret cookie stash! So...its not like Huey was trying to say "Hey Mom.. YOU HUGE"! He was really repeating to his brother what he knew I would say. It was a smack-down using my own words! DRAT!!!

So...um... Army Guy and I will be eating salad for the rest of the year! Awesome! And... sadly, my secret cookie stash is gone! I know... the HORROR of it all!

Let's Talk About Chuckie.... Shall We?

"Public service announcement to all parents of small children.... birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese's are NOT fun! Please... for the love of Pete... just say 'NO' to Chuckie! Thank you! :o)"

That was my status update on Facebook this morning. So far the comments to that post are 100% in agreement! So here's a good question... If all parents HATE taking their kids to Chuck E. Cheese's, why on earth do they continue to punish fellow parents by hosting their precious child's birthday party there? It's twisted and just plain wrong!

If there are any parents out there who have yet to experience this cruel form of torture... otherwise known as "Chuck E. Hell"... let me set the scene for you.

Chuck E. Cheese's is the most obnoxious place ever created. I am at a loss to come up with anything even slightly as annoying. First of all, the pizza is NASTY. Most kids don't even like it. But the dumb games are even worse than the food. It's like one loud, blinking, kid-sized casino for pre-school children. It's the Vegas strip for school-aged kids, where lots of blinking lights beckon them to tempt their luck at some stupid game or another. If they are lucky they win... *gasp* TICKETS!!!! The more tickets the better. Even if you are a big huge loser, you get one or two tickets. Awesome, right? Every child is a winner. What could be wrong with that? Well.. for starters, tokens are not cheap. They are pretty much equivalent to .25 cents. (give or take a few pennies).

So what does a quarter buy? Well... it depends on which stupid game you select. It was our experience that roughly 8 of Huey's 20 tokens were WASTED on games that did not work, but did not have an "out of order" sign. Poor guy has become really good a dealing with disappointment. So, for the sake of a good life-lesson, I can let that go. Among the WORKING games are stupid things like games that give you ONE TRY to stop a blinking light on a certain spot. All for a quarter. Of course, it's next to impossible ... but your child will get one ticket for trying... so that's good! After 1 hour of roaming from stupid game to stupid game, Huey earned a total of 27 tickets! WooHoo... 27 tickets! What did that buy him? A Tootsie Roll and a lollipop! I'm NOT making this up. Twenty tokens (or roughly $5.00) bought him 3 cents worth of candy. (oh yeah... and access 28 zillion germs. BONUS!)

Of course, Huey had the VERY BEST TIME OF HIS LIFE! (nice) and now wants to have his birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's. So I will spend the next 8 months hearing "I WANT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY AT CHUCK E. CHEESES!". It's a good thing those stupid non-working games of Chuckie's taught Huey how to deal with life's disappointments, because I vow this day to NEVER host a birthday party there. How ironic is that? Chuckie has taught my son how to deal with the disappointment of never being allowed to go there again! hahahaha! Genius!

How to Make Your Mama Cry, 101

or... "Huey's First Preschool Program"

Okay... so nobody told me that seeing my first-born in his first preschool program would turn me into a sobbing fool. Seriously... I was NOT prepared for that! As soon as we sat down, I started to cry at the mere thought of my baby singing. So I guess this is how the next 20 years will go.

Me: "Look at my baby up there...wah wah wah!"
Army Guy: Laughing at me and taking pictures of my sobbing-ness.


Huey's program was adorable. His class sang 5 songs and did the chicken dance.... which was awesome. That made me laugh and cry at the same time.



Here is Huey after the program with his teacher, Mrs. Tammy. He adores her and has learned so much this year in preschool. Mrs. Tammy has done an excellent job at getting him ready for kindergarten next year.

Home From Iraq

On December 23, 2009, after 530 days, Army Guy finally returned from Iraq. For Good! Forever and ever.... Amen! (until the next time.) The boys and I met him at the airport at 8:45 pm. We got there just in time to see him walking toward us. The boys made "welcome home" signs, but those barely made it out before the boys just dropped them on the floor and ran to daddy! I was too busy being all teary-eyed to get some good pictures of that.



No... that splat of red on the bottom left of the "welcome home daddy" sign is not blood and guts. Nor is it daddy's airplane exploding in a fire ball (I know... I know... Uncle Danny needs to come give these boys some art classes!) The red splat is actually Dewey's attempt at tracing his hand and then coloring it red. Still... looks a little scary! :o)

All the Queen's Men.... December 2009