Saturday, February 28, 2009

I Just Can't Find the Funny

Okay, I haven't posted for a while and am beginning to get desperate pleas from friends across the nation who "live for my posts and seriously NEED a new story". (Really? This is what you need?) Anyway, the reason I haven't posted is I just can't find the funny lately. And let's face it... who wants to read a story about how the Ducklings are driving me up a wall? But a story the masses want (well, the dozens anyway), so a story they will get.

So I've decided to write about exactly WHY I have lost the funny! Here is reason NUMBER ONE I've got no funny right now... POTTY TRAINING! Sweet mother of… Aaauuggghhh where do I begin? We're all grownups here; can we just pause for a minute while I curse like a sailor?  Here goes:

 The (bleep) little (bleep) is just the (bleep) cutest little angel at school. Such a little (bleep). He will (bleep) sit on the (bleep) potty for the (bleep) teachers. After six (bleep) hours, he is still in the same (bleep) clothes and has not had a (bleep) accident. Then when the (bleep) little (bleep) gets home from school, he somehow (bleep) forgets how to (bleep) use the (bleep) potty. He'll just sit there like a (bleep) and insist he does not need to (bleep) go. Of course the little (bleep) will (bleep) pee or (bleep) himself five (bleep) minutes later. So I'm (bleep) cleaning up (bleep) (bleep) about eight (bleep) times a day! (Bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)!!!

Aaahhhh... that feels soooo much better! Thanks for that! I can actually hear my mother laugh and laugh while she thinks "payback is (bleep) ya little (bleep)   :o)

So, for those of you who might have difficulty reading "sailor speak", here is the translation: 

My sweet, precious Dewey is just the cutest little angel at preschool. He is so smart! He will sit on the potty for the teachers. I can pick him up six hours later and he has not needed a change of clothing. Then when my precious, precious son gets home from school, he somehow forgets how to use the potty. He'll just sit and sit for about 30 minutes and insist he does not need to go. Of course five minutes after he gets off the potty... you guessed it... oooops... pee pee (if we're lucky). This will happen about 8 times a day! Silly, silly little boy!

Poor baby gets so mad at me for making him sit on the potty. He will give me the meanest look he can muster, with really "angry eyebrows" (it’s the cutest thing ever) and say to me, "You mate me so mad!" and "I not wuv you amore!"  To which I reply... "Bahahahaha... wipe a tear… ahahahahaha!" He usually ends up laughing too, but will still remind me several times during the day that he "not wuv me amore!"  Ok... so that part is pretty stink’n cute.  What is NOT cute is the countless times I end up swishing itty-bitty Lightning McQueen underwear in the toilet to (eh hem) "un-soil" them. GROSS! GROSS! GROSS! The other day, after such a "swishing", the toilet became clogged beyond what was "plunge-able" because I had NO IDEA you are supposed to buy "flush-able wipes"! Really?  Aren't they ALL flush-able?

 Anyway, I had to plunge about 18 times over a six hour period to finally unclog the (bleep) toilet (sorry, I slipped there). So it occurred to me; why do I even bother to "swish"? I mean, really! Lightning McQueen underwear are about $4.79 for a 3-pack. Is saving a couple bucks so important to me that I can't just throw them out? Well from now on that's what I'm doing! I'm buying about 18 packs of teeny-butt Underoos and am considering them disposable! Brilliant!

More to come when the funny returns.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Disney World or Bust!

On a beautiful spring(ish) day in the park, I had this awesomely brilliant idea.... It went something like this. "Hmmm... it would be fun to take kiddos to Disney World one day soon".

(Let me just pause for a second to acknowledge the collective groan from my cyber

I can actually hear you thinking, "Really? You thought this was a good idea? Three children... under 5... to Disney World... by yourself? Seriously?"

I know, I know. I had all those rational thoughts too. But then the wild Disney junkie in me just took over my brain. I had no control... I NEEDED a Disney fix... at any cost! (Army Guy totally gets this. I have drug him through a Disney-something park a grand total of 28(ish
) days since we met (including 3 days on a Disney cruise). I'm sure it's been brutal, but he has willingly enabled my Disney habit and he has shelled out a small fortune to the Disney empire!)

Anyway... I had this thought!
At first I just disregarded it as the single most stupid idea I've ever had. But then I actually began to ponder the logistics and do some math.

... three very small kids plus a 9-hour drive in a mini-van equals 5 movies! I CAN DO THAT!" "So then....Magic Kingdom plus double stroller equals one too many kids. Hmmmm". Let me just make a long story short.... I hired the Disney recommended in-room nanny service to watch Louie and then took Huey and Dewey to the Magic Kingdom.

Now, when I had this initial thought, I believe the scene in Heaven went something like this:

God looked down upon my sorry soul and, shaking His head with a chuckle said, "My poor misguided child. I applaud your gusto and I shall reward your adventurous spirit with three beautifully behaved children for a 72-hour period. Go forth on your quest with much enjoyment for I have given you safe passage into the world of Disney". God spoke and it was so! And it was AWESOME!

The boys were fantastic. The nanny service was wonderful (expensive... but wonderful!) Louie enjoyed his time with the nanny by playing on the playground right outside our hotel room at Disney's Caribbean Beach Resort. Huey, Dewey and I had a really fun day at the Magic Kingdom. It could not have gone better.

In the early evening we went back to the room to get Louie, who was just waking up from his nap. Then I took them to a sit-down restaurant.... and God withheld His favor and said "WELL NOW YOU'RE JUST TESTING ME"! Dinner was a complete nightmare... But we survived. Then we ALL went back to the Magic Kingdom for a trip on the Buzz Lightyear
ride and the beautiful fireworks show. I actually had ALL THREE of them in the park with me for about 90 minutes. They were all so good! It was amazing! The angels continued to sing as we watched the fireworks.

The park closed after the fireworks show... and it was seriously crowded so we stopped off at the
ice-cream shop on Main Street to share a sundae while waiting for the mass exodus of the park. After a very yummy hot fudge sundae, we leisurely headed out of the park and took a monorail ride back to our car. This kids were so happy and soooo exhausted! Everyone slept hard that night.

The next day we did some shopping at Downtown Disney, rode the carousel
and little toddler train and then began our long journey home. We got home at 11:00pm and all slept like babies (wait... 3 of us ARE babies)...anyway... We had a really, really fun time and I will definitely do it again! Hopefully next time Daddy will be with us though. We had a great time, but we sure did miss our daddy!

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