Vacations with Boys

We are making memories, I reminded myself, while trudging through the sticky, swampy, gnat infested Capitol Mall on our way to the Lincoln Memorial. We are providing an educational and cultural experience to enrich their lives, I thought. We are impressing upon them the blessings of their heritage. Do you know what else we were doing? We were providing the perfect scenario for them to whine me into an early grave.

I'll just get straight to the point...Vacations with boys are no vacation at all.

Let me be more precise. Vacations to historic places with teen/tween boys stink like the chicken skin I put in the trash under my sink...five days ago. (Note to self: have this week's trash boy do his job.) Vacations to Six Flags, Disney World, or any water park - anywhere, are SUPER FUN...for the kids. But yeah, still kinda stinks for the mama.

This summer we decided to introduce the boys to some culture and history, so we planned a vacation to Washington DC. Since they have all learned about American History in school, I was super excited to show them the monuments and take them to all the historical places they had studied. Army Guy and I loved it. We were moved by the WWII Memorial, which is incredibly stunning! Bravo memorial designer guy. Bravo!  

Another favorite was Mt. Vernon; the home of President George Washington. The museum at Mt. Vernon was actually better than the Smithsonian's Museum of American History (the section on the American Revolution, anyway). I absolutely love American History and I am in awe of historical places. But do you know who isn't such a fan of history and historical places?  The Ducklings. Sigh. Here is the background soundtrack to our vacation. (I'm not even kidding)

• How much more walking?
• It's hot.
• Can we get an electric scooter?
• I hate this.
• I don't want to see anymore monuments to dead guys.
• Can we get an electric scooter?
• I don't want to learn anymore.
• When can we go back to the hotel?
• Can we get an electric scooter?
• We should have brought the Xbox.
• How many more floors are in this museum?
• Why didn't we stay in a hotel with a pool?  (Answer: so you wouldn't spend every day doing what you can do at home while ignoring the rich history of this nation. You'll thank me one day.) 
• I want hamburgers for dinner (And lunch. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.)
• Why can't we get an electric scooter?
• Why doesn't Washington DC have a Whataburger?
• There are bugs in my face!
• Cemeteries are boring 
• Can we use an electric scooter in Arlington?

The list goes on. Let's just say, the Ducklings didn't really enjoy Washington DC, (except, of course, for the subway...they thought that was COOL!) I should make them write a paper for being so annoying. One day they will appreciate this experience and will want to go back. And then THEY CAN SPEND THEIR OWN DANG MONEY to repeat an experience they didn't appreciate in their teens. So...here's a big 'ol "WHATEV" to my kids. I say that with love.

After four agonizing wonderful days in Washington DC, we flew down to Columbia, SC where we got to visit our dear friends, the Long Family.  The boys finally got to swim, relax, watch movies and play video games. They were in heaven...and so was I because I got to hang with my sweet friend, Kelly. For six days all was right with the world.

So here are my lessons learned from our sticky, humid, July visit to DC:

• The pool really is important. Don't assume the sheer awesomeness of your 5-star hotel will in any way make up for the lack of a pool for the teenage people.
• Staying in a super fancy hotel will bring about a British accent in a thirteen-year-old boy. Who knew? Fancy digs = fancy speech...or something.
• Burgers every day will not kill you...but you might wish otherwise.
• Get the dang scooter.
• Traveling with an American-to-British translator is quite amusing.
• Hotel pizza delivery service is genius! So is a steak dinner for two at the uber fancy, and shockingly pricey, hotel steakhouse. WIN/WIN!
• It is fallacy to assume that visiting the Capitol Mall at night will be better because "it won't be so hot". 

1.     Every person in America will have the same idea. 

2.     Fourteen TRILLION gnats live in/about the area of the reflecting pool, and they come out at night. Why yes...walking into swarms of bugs in the dark was my ideal dream vacation. Pro tip: walk along the lighted path. The bugs will swarm near the street lights and not your face. 

3.     It is actually possible for the night to become more hot and sticky after the sun goes down. WHAT THE HECK IS THAT ABOUT?

All-in-all the Ducklings actually did have a great vacation. (Except for the museums, walking, humidity and gnats). Next time, however, I splurge on the stupid scooters. Wait…. NEXT TIME?

First Day. Not whiny...yet! 

Second Day: This photo pretty much sums up the entire trip! 

And also... why DOESN'T Washington DC have a Whataburger? Valid question, my son!

And Then Daddy Got in on the Action

RUT ROH.... somebody called his brother an "idiot" within earshot of his dad. Well that didn't go over so well.  The result?  Army Guy decided to try out a little creative parenting himself.

Here's how that went down.

Army Guy: You must look up the word "idiot" in the dictionary then write down the definition.

Daniel: I have to write EVERYTHING?  Like... Even the proper pronunciation and all the different meanings and synonyms?

Army Guy: Write down everything that you see under the heading of "idiot".  Then I want a verbal report of what you have learned.

Daniel: sigh....

Sometime later Daniel returned with his report and proceeded to read the following....

Idiot: Noun. [id-ee-uht] Informal. An utterly foolish or senseless person.

Synonyms: stupid, fool, twit, half-wit, tool, bonehead, blockhead, nincompoop, dunce, dolt, kook, ignoramus, cretin, imbecile, dullard, moron, simpleton, plod, 

"plod".... hahahaha....

dope, ninny, chimp, dimwit, nitwit,  goon, dumbo, dunce, dumbbell, loon, jackass, yo-yo, wing nut, tom fool, pinhead, dumb-head, noodle, dipstick, numskull...

At some point during this litany of tomfoolery, I completely lost it. It's just so hard to not laugh when your child is reading off a list of new ways in which he can insult his brothers. Clearly Army Guy didn't think this through.  

Me: Are we scolding the child or providing him with a new arsenal of insults?

Army Guy (not amused): So let's break this down.  Do you think Matthew is stupid?

Daniel: No Sir

Army Guy reviews Daniel's report and proceeds with his line of questioning, like an attorney at a deposition: Do you think he is a half-wit?

Daniel: No Sir

Army Guy (still keeping a straight face):  How about a blockhead, nincompoop, dunce or dolt?

Daniel: No Sir

Me: bahahahaha. Seriously... I've got no game

Army Guy: (This guy is SOLID with the game face) English is a precise language, use it precisely. 

Daniel: Yes Sir.

Me: (thinking) Okay, so we're done here? Sweet Moses, what has Army Guy done?

So far this has not come back to bite us on the backside...but I KNOW it will. Daniel is a sponge for knowledge and his new vocabulary WILL re-surface. Just.You.Wait.Army.Guy! And when it does...I'll be over here with the popcorn while I watch Army Guy attempt to undo the mayhem he has just unleashed onto the world.  

I'm pretty sure this is a parenting fail. :)

Update on the "Chopped" Situation

The ongoing cooking show in our home descended to a whole new level of low. First, if you haven't read about my life as a reality show "chef", you should probably wander on over to that post first. Then come on back and join us for the update.

So Thursday's dinner went horrifically wrong...on so many levels. The short version involves spoiled chicken breasts, moldy French bread, and one "chef" who forgot to buy pasta. This is perplexing since I shop every Monday for exactly what I need each week. How could my chicken and bread have gone bad so quickly?  Anyway...my dinner became an offering of a lovely tequila-lime cream sauce and Caesar salad. Now, I could have just re-named it "tequila-lime soup" and called it a day. I mean I am trying to get kicked off the show, am I not? Instead I asked Army Guy to pick up Chinese food and made a mental note to buy what I needed so we could enjoy our cream sauce with chicken and pasta the next day. WINNER of a plan .

Army Guy set the take-out containers on the table and then the "show" began.

Photo by Noahs Knight on Unsplash

Daniel:  "Chef Mom, what have you prepared for us tonight?"

Me: "Chef, tonight, instead of preparing dinner, I have instructed your father to procure dinner from our favorite Asian inspired establishment. Daddy, will you please present what you have selected."

Army Guy:  "Tonight we have a medley of Chinese dishes..."

Daniel cut Army Guy off, "I'm sorry, I was talking to Chef Mom, it's not your turn."

Me: "Chef tonight we have Lo Mein Noodles with shrimp in addition to Mongolian Beef and Orange Chicken."

Me (thinking) He HAS to kick me off tonight...I didn't do anything. This is my out.

Daniel: "Though this dinner is quite delicious, you really didn't do anything worthy of the title of MasterChef."

Me: (thinking) YES! Here it comes, so long KP duty.

And then...I made the rooky mistake of thinking out loud. "Oh look...my fortune cookie doesn't have a fortune inside...sad!"

Matthew: "You have just selected the mystery cookie, which means...tonight is a non-elimination round".

Yep...I had my out, and I found a way to mess it up.  I saw my exit and was ready to skip right through that door singing "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah" all the way to freedom-from-the-kitchen bliss. Then I opened my idiot mouth and gave my family a reason to keep me chained to the stove for the rest of my life. Indeed I am an idiot sandwich!

via GIPHY

Clearly I should have shut my mouth and just served the dang tequila-lime soup. For real!

I Just Can't Get "Chopped"!

Photo by Val Vesa on Unsplash

Cooking competition shows are quite popular in our home. The boys love Chopped, MasterChef, and The Great British Baking Show. The Netflix original, "Nailed It", was also a huge hit! We highly recommend this one if you want to full on laugh out loud.

Anyway, the boys have learned a few things from these shows, the least of which is how to prepare actual food. Rather, they have learned how to properly critique food…my food, to be exact. So now I live (and cook) in this crazy reality where I am in a competition every dang night. It doesn't matter what I serve, the boys give me their best Gordon Ramsey treatment over the dish. 

Dinner at our house on any given night

Me:  "Family, today I have prepared for you a delightful casserole of layered pasta and bolognese with mozzarella, parmesan and ricotta cheeses. On the side we have a toasted Parisian bread which has been lightly buttered and sprinkled with garlic and herbs."

Matthew: Takes a heaping fork-full of my food, bringing it to his face for a super close inspection. He sniffs, stares at me over the fork, and takes a bite, being careful not to let his lips actually touch the fork. He glares right through me, guarding his expression so his face gives no clue of his reaction. "Interesting". 

Daniel: Suggests that the dish is good but could use a tad more salt. 

Andrew: Comments on how the bread has really overshadowed the dish.  "Your lasagna should be the star here...not the bread." 

Gleefully I think, this is IT! Tonight I will FINALLY be cut from this nightmare! No more cooking for me... WHOOOP!  

Army Guy: Looks straight at me and delivers the verdict.  "You did enough to make it through to the next episode." Hanging my head in defeat, I receive the "sentence" like some sorry defendant on trial for murder. Secretly I plot my next meal, which I will prepare with less "gusto" and more "half-ass-ery". Yes, I think, they will chop me for sure tomorrow. I plotted my defeat with enthusiasm.

The next night was my perfect opportunity to finally be chopped. I didn't get home until 6:30 and decided I didn’t really have time to make chicken tacos after all...so I called, “free-for-all...come and get it! Everyone choose whatever leftover you want." Daniel and I had Monday's pork chops while Matthew selected just mashed potatoes and Army Guy made a bowl of ramen noodles. Certainly I will get chopped tonight. There is NO WAY Gordon Ramsey would allow me to continue after an offering of reheated food from Monday... for the love of muffins!

Internally I am super excited because I know there is no way they can find an excuse to keep me this time. Certainly tonight is my final night in the kitchen... I HAVE DONE IT!  With a stoic expression, Daniel delivers the decision, "You will...... NOT.... be leaving us tonight." He looks at the empty space next to me and says "I'm sorry Invisible Jimmy, you have been chopped!"

"SERIOUSLY! I REHEATED LEFTOVERS!" I exclaimed, "Why does Invisible Jimmy get to leave the show?" Without skipping a beat, Daniel announces, “Tonight's secret theme was leftovers!"

I am beginning to think this whole show is rigged!

The Art of the Polite Smack-down

When your eleven-year-old son is playing some sort of "Minecraft-something-or-other" on your iPad while you are binge-watching The Crown, the child will most certainly pick up a few choice phrases.  He will witness the "Queen Mother" quite effectively shut down some underling with this simple suggestion: "Do sit down".  Of course the "Queen" just gets straight to the point with, "Do shut up". Clearly our British friends have perfected the polite smack-down. You might think these phrases went right over your son’s head… you would be wrong.

Imagine my delight later in the week when I overhead, "Do shut up, Andrew!" from the game room. I couldn't even be mad. If it's polite enough for the queen, it's clearly polite enough for my boys. This wonderful new method of suggesting that one should be quiet has morphed into other equally mannerly statements such as, "Do kiss my butt", and "Do go away"...etc. Of course the proper accent is included...because it's just required.

Recently this graciousness has taken on more of a formal invitation-ish format; because what is more pleasant than receiving an invitation?  "I'd like to invite you to shut up". See how lovely that is?

This invitation often comes with highly elaborate and, quite imaginary, "packaging". For example, "I'm sending you an invitation on fancy stationary. The envelope has your name written in elegant gold calligraphy and is stuffed with silver and white heart shaped confetti. The invitation itself is embossed... it's a simple two-word message...”  Translation:  "I love you, but shut up!"  One time Army Guy sent me an invitation presented by buglers on white horses. It was a royal fanfare worthy of the queen herself.  Translation: “I acknowledge your princess-ness, but please shut up, your Royal Highness”. 

I, in turn, sent an invitation to Army Guy, which was delivered by a marching band and four dozen flag girls. The flags were made of a glittery red fabric and had large silver and rhinestone letters. Each flag had one single, sparkly letter: S, H, U…you get the idea. The other forty-two flags were for punctuation purposes only: exclamation points, to be precise. Translation: "S H U T - U P !!!!!!!!!!!" 

One time Matthew had his message delivered via the space shuttle and seven astronauts participating in a massive ticker-tape parade. But the very best and most creative invitation came from the daughter of my dear friend, Kelly, who invited her dad to a "Shush Party" where she was serving Shush Cake and Mu-shush-room Pizza.  Squeeeee!!!  Genius wit from an eight-year-old.

Here’s a special Thank-you to the Brits, who have inspired creative etiquette and social graces in our home. Bravo my Brit friends. I do believe the Queen herself would approve. Do feel free to like and share. :)

Throw Down on the Four Square Court

We have a serious issue in this household. It seems that three out of three children in this family hold the prestigious title of "King of the Four Square Court" at school. Of course this is problematic. They can't all be king, especially since they have parents who were both the King/Queen of the Four Square Court in their day. (Incidentally, their mother was also "Queen of Tetherball". Yes, this is a lifelong title and yes, I do get to claim it at my age.) #greatnessisageless

There was only one way to settle the issue...purchase a red rubber ball and host a family Four Square Tournament. GAME ON!

It was a lively game full of surprises and "new rules". Army Guy and I were stunned at some of the rules and moves these younger whipper-snappers have created. I'm just gonna come out and say it... these little brats have bastardized the game. No...this is not an exaggeration. They have forever altered Four Square to resemble something more like Dodgeball on a tiny four square court. #kidsthesedays

Hey... here's an example of what I'm talk'n ‘bout here:

1) CHERRY BOMBING:  This is when an opponent grabs the ball and slams it into your square. No...this isn’t a "spike" like in volleyball. It’s more of a holding and slamming kind of move. "I'm sorry, but you can't HOLD THE BALL in Four Square", I proclaimed. Army Guy and I deemed this an illegal move.

2) TINY TIMMY: When an opponent holds the ball and runs over to your square and drops it just over the line from a height of about 6 inches. I rolled my eyes and promptly yelled "ILLEGAL MOVE!" #fortheloveofmuffins  

3) QUADRUPLE TAPS: When a player is allowed to touch the ball up to four times while it is in play in his square. This allows the player to juggle and maneuver the ball. He can also set up a spike, like in volleyball, only he sets and slams the ball himself. "ILLEGAL MOVE!" #areyoukiddingmewiththis?

This kind of made-up-crap went on and on and on. After about fifteen minutes of this nonsense, Army Guy called "Retro Rules". We took the game back to the 70's y'all... and we meant business. We schooled these youngins on the proper way to play and we set them straight. #priorities #raisingthemright

I am pleased to announce that Army Guy is still King of the Court…and I am Queen. Of course three boys would argue that it's because we played by "old dude rules". Whatever helps you sleep, son. #oldschoolrocks 

For those interested, The official Four Square Rules are listed here. Incidently, Cherry Bombing is generally frowned upon by all Wikipedia commenters. #thatsright #vindicatedbywiki 

Retreat at the Magic Kingdom

This family has spent countless hours visiting Disney Theme Parks.... it's what we do. We've visited in every season, in both California and Florida over the course of many, many years. We are no rookies when it comes to all things Disney. But Y'ALL... during this recent trip to the Walt Disney World, I learned something new. At the Magic Kingdom there is a flag retreat ceremony every night at 5:00 pm. Of course, in wonderful Disney fashion, they make a giant deal out of this ceremony. WHO KNEW?  

To make the ceremony special and to provide a personal touch, those Disney folks pull out all the stops. As soon as the park opens each day, the cast is on the hunt for a military vet. One vet each day gets the honor of presiding over the retreat ceremony as the "Veteran of the Day". This is a super special, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and guess what... Army Guy was invited! It was a great privilege to see him honored for his service during this ceremony. Disney even supplied us with our own personal Disney photographer to capture the moment.  

The ceremony began with a call to attention and bugle fanfare by the Disney Marching Band. Before the flag was lowered, the crowd was lead in reciting the Pledge of Allegiance by my Ducklings. They nailed it... phew! The band played the national anthem and, while the flag was lowered and Army Guy stood with a proper salute, the crowd sang "God Bless America". Once the flag was folded, it was presented to Army Guy and carried through Main Street in a parade along with the Disney Color Guard, Marching Band and our family. We all got to be in the flag retreat parade and it was amazing. Disney sure knows how to pull at the heartstrings and bring out the patriotic pride. Well done Disney!

After the ceremony and parade, we were taken to a little nook on Main Street where Army Guy was presented with a certificate and pin. This "Disney Vet of the Day" collectors' pin cannot be purchased anywhere and Disney does not trade it. It is only presented to the ONE vet every day who participates in the flag retreat ceremony. Talk about exclusive and completely special.

Thank you to the wonderful people at the Magic Kingdom who noticed Army Guy's "retired army" hat and invited him to participate in the honor of a lifetime. What an amazing memory.

The call to attention

Disney Color Guard Lowers the Flag while Army Guy Salutes

The Parade Down Main Street

The Magic Kingdom Veteran of the Day Pin

So Proud of My Retired Vet.  Well Done Army Guy!

Fishing 101

There comes a moment in every young lad's life when fishing skills are a must. This spring, Army Guy felt it was time to pass his vast knowledge of fishing on to his sons. So, the Ducklings were presented with the following treasures:

1 Spiderman fishing pole
1 Batman fishing pole
1 "Cars" fishing pole

Three guesses which pole EVERYBODY wanted. Yep... Spiderman... DUH! (Army Guy is new... apparently.) Once we bribed... er.. I mean convinced a couple little boys to settle for the Batman and Cars poles, Army Guy was able to begin instruction on "casting". Army Guy is a really great teacher and he gave a fantastic lesson. The Ducklings had it down! Yeah... not so much... here's what Army Guy came home to the next day:

* Fishing line wrapped around the ceiling fan about 57 times. Apparently, the phrase "we don't cast from the bridge over our living room" was overlooked during training.

* Fishing line and sinker caught in the neighbor's rain gutter. Oh yeah... and fishing line strewn throughout the lawn... wrapped around a tree...and the mailbox... with the fishing pole finally discovered under the car.

* 2 of 3 reels jammed with massive knots in the line.

* Three boys STILL fighting over the Spiderman fishing pole.

Sigh....

The boys did get to actually fish during our camping trip over Memorial Day weekend. When I say "fish" I really mean "casting their non-hooked line into trees, the picnic table and each other." They also managed to cross Army Guy's line and reel his hook in on occasion. Ah... good times! We had KFC for dinner! :o)

Combat in Arms 101

Lesson #1:
Never Mess With Superior Fire Power




Lesson #2:
If You're Holding A Weapon... You're In The Fight


Lesson #3:
It's Unwise To Pause For Refreshment During The Battle


Lesson #4
Know When Hand-to-Hand Combat Has Failed. Call For Long Range Missiles!


Lesson #5
Refer to Lesson #1.... And Take Cover!

Home From Iraq

On December 23, 2009, after 530 days, Army Guy finally returned from Iraq. For Good! Forever and ever.... Amen! (until the next time.) The boys and I met him at the airport at 8:45 pm. We got there just in time to see him walking toward us. The boys made "welcome home" signs, but those barely made it out before the boys just dropped them on the floor and ran to daddy! I was too busy being all teary-eyed to get some good pictures of that.



No... that splat of red on the bottom left of the "welcome home daddy" sign is not blood and guts. Nor is it daddy's airplane exploding in a fire ball (I know... I know... Uncle Danny needs to come give these boys some art classes!) The red splat is actually Dewey's attempt at tracing his hand and then coloring it red. Still... looks a little scary! :o)

All the Queen's Men.... December 2009

Ducklings Got a Clubhouse

When Army Guy was home in June, he brought The Ducklings a very special present. A swing set and clubhouse. They love it! The morning after it was installed, Ducklings went out to play and had such a fun time. Army guy kept asking Dewey if he liked it. But Dewey refused to reply. After awhile he finally said, "Don't call me Dewey ever again! My name is Mickey Mouse, because I have a clubhouse!" LOL... Kids are so funny!

Here are a few photos of the boys enjoying the new clubhouse. I've been informed that "girls are NOT allowed". But thankfully, they've given mommy a waiver on occasion!

Louie was NOT about to waste one second getting dressed. He had some slide'n to do!

Huey thinks he was BORN to slide!

Louie has become a professional swinger. (wait.. that doesn't sound right!)

Today the clubhouse is a rocket ship and The Ducklings are set to blast off to the moon. I've been assured there is no need to worry because "there is plenty of dinner on board, mom".

Dewey enjoys sliding with a "poop-free" back-side. YES... IT'S TRUE!!! He is finally potty trained! Fully... For Real! I know... awesome right?

Dewey and  Huey go through a pre-flight check in preparation for their blast-off. (where do they get this stuff?)