Sunday, June 26, 2011

Wow! Just...... WOW!

Yeah... that's what Army Guy says to me when I do something so completely stupid he can't even believe it. This is one of those "WOW!" stories. I'm reaching back about 18 months for this one. Stick with me because you will not be disappointed. This story is 100% true... you just can't make this stuff up. So sit back and enjoy yet another glimpse into my crazy world.

Cleaning up after an army wives event and talking with some friends.

Cast of characters:
Me: the completely crazy one
Tiffany: mother of 4 boys and 1 girl. She totally gets me (she's crazy too)
Holly: Waaaayyyy too polite. And able to keep a straight face during the following conversation.

Tiffany: Oohhhhh... my stomach hurts so bad.
Me: where does it hurt?
Tiffany: all over my abdomen... front and back
Holly: are you gassy?
Tiffany: no but I get this really bad ache every time I eat
Me: is it your digestive system?
Tiffany: I don't know.. it just hurts here (pointing to abdomen). It hurts all over.
Me: Maybe it's your colon... or .... what's that other thing in there?
Tiffany: I'm not sure
Me: you know.. there's a big one and a small one... what is that word?
Tiffany: blank stare
Me: You know... Oh, that's right... your colon and your semi-colon
Holly: (weird look on her face)
Tiffany: Maybe that's it

(short pause: you shouldn't laugh at the verbally challenged... it's rude)

Me: I'll bet you have some sort of blockage in your semi-colon.
Tiffany: I could... that might be it

Me: When will you see the doctor?
Tiffany: I have an apt on Tuesday... I don't think I can make it. I get sick every time I eat. It hurts so bad.
Me: you should tell your doctor it feels like there's a blockage or something in your semi-colon
Me (thinking): "I'm not sure that's the right word... but it's close... I'll remember it eventually"

Okay... so this conversation goes on and on for about 20 minutes. Tiffany and I are SERIOUSLY discussing her "semi-colon" and how it hurts so bad. I'm not making this up! Holly stands there, politely listening to us ... she doesn't say a word. She probably thinks she's being punk'd.

Fast forward three hours. Suddenly, I remember the word. "oh... wait..." I think to myself, "I meant small and large intestines."

Fast forward another 5 minutes. "hmmm... why did I think it was a semi-colon? That word sounds sooo familiar... what's a semi-colon?....."

Fast forward another 5 minutes. Somewhere deep inside my brain... waaaaayyy in the back... a dusty file labeled "Archived Words/English" is accessed. My brain opens the file to discover that a semi-colon is..... 


Then the laughing began. You know.. the kind where you are crying and you can't speak or breathe? The kind where all you can do is lay on the floor... TRY to catch a breath and hope you don't pee your pants... yeah... that kind of laughing. As soon as I could speak, I called Tiffany and attempted to explain what a complete moron I was. Tiffany really only heard high pitched squeaks.

Ah yeah... good times. The army moved Tiffany's family about six months ago. I miss her a ton. Anyone who can seriously discuss her semi-colon with me... and just instinctively KNOW what I mean without even questioning my intelligence... that's a friend who totally get's me. We were so engrossed in the status of her hurting belly that neither of us stopped to realize exactly what we were talking about. We were completely in sync.

Every now and then I get a posting on my facebook wall from Tiffany. "ooohhh... my semi-colon hurts sooo bad". And every time she does that, it just slays me all over again. That will always be funny!

One day I hope the army will move us close to Tiffany again. But in the meantime... we will always have her semi-colon. And nobody can take that away! :o)

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Ruh-Ro... Access DENIED!

At approximately 8:37 pm, the above sign was posted on Huey's bedroom door. He wrote the message himself (I'm pretty sure) and only asked for help in spelling the days of the week. Those of you who may have misplaced your "kindergarten-to-English" dictionary, miiiggghhhttt have some difficulty in translating the message. Here... let me offer some assistance. I'm fluent in "kindergarten".

first sign
"No coming into my room when it is not on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday".

second sign
"only if you do not spill popcorn or coke"

Okay... spelling and awful sentence structure aside...I'm pretty proud of my kindergarten graduate who has been able both construct and WRITE his message without any assistance. What does he MEAN? Well... here's how I would have said it:

"Dewey and Louie, you are permitted to enter my bedroom on Fridays only, IF you can keep from spilling your popcorn and coke all over my flipp'n room. Thanks, Huey"

What I find hilarious is that Louie and Dewey cannot read. But... they got the message loud and clear when I read it to them. Dewey responded with "That's NO FAIR". And Louie had a comment along the lines of "Me not want Huey come in MY room... me make a password for he not come in".

And thus began the great Duckling feud of 2011. Louie had me copy this password down and tape it to the INSIDE of their bedroom door.

Shhhh... don't tell Huey! He will be denied entry unless he can come up with this SUPER SECRET password. Guys... this is SERIOUS! In addition to the password, Dewey has placed a TRAP on the floor outside of their door. Words cannot adequately describe this genius design. Just trust me... it's an unspeakable level of security!

And me? Well.... with the ducklings all focused on their border protection and whatnot... I have noticed a slight decrease in such activities as lipstick art on walls. So I gotta call that a WIN for the mama! Bummer about the feud though. :o)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Fishing 101

There comes a moment in every young lad's life when fishing skills are a must. This spring, Army Guy felt it was time to pass his vast knowledge of fishing on to his sons. So, the Ducklings were presented with the following treasures:

1 Spiderman fishing pole
1 Batman fishing pole
1 "Cars" fishing pole

Three guesses which pole EVERYBODY wanted. Yep... Spiderman... DUH! (Army Guy is new... apparently.) Once we bribed... er.. I mean convinced a couple little boys to settle for the Batman and Cars poles, Army Guy was able to begin instruction on "casting". Army Guy is a really great teacher and he gave a fantastic lesson. The Ducklings had it down! Yeah... not so much... here's what Army Guy came home to the next day:

* Fishing line wrapped around the ceiling fan about 57 times. Apparently, the phrase "we don't cast from the bridge over our living room" was overlooked during training.

* Fishing line and sinker caught in the neighbor's rain gutter. Oh yeah... and fishing line strewn throughout the lawn... wrapped around a tree...and the mailbox... with the fishing pole finally discovered under the car.

* 2 of 3 reels jammed with massive knots in the line.

* Three boys STILL fighting over the Spiderman fishing pole.


The boys did get to actually fish during our camping trip over Memorial Day weekend. When I say "fish" I really mean "casting their non-hooked line into trees, the picnic table and each other." They also managed to cross Army Guy's line and reel his hook in on occasion. Ah... good times! We had KFC for dinner! :o)
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