Tuesday, March 20, 2018

The Art of the Polite Smack-down

When your eleven-year-old son is playing some sort of "Minecraft-something-or-other" on your iPad while you are binge-watching The Crown, the child will most certainly pick up a few choice phrases.  He will witness the "Queen Mother" quite effectively shut down some underling with this simple suggestion: "Do sit down".  Of course the "Queen" just gets straight to the point with, "Do shut up". Clearly our British friends have perfected the polite smack-down. You might think these phrases went right over your son’s head… you would be wrong.

Imagine my delight later in the week when I overhead, "Do shut up, Andrew!" from the game room. I couldn't even be mad. If it's polite enough for the queen, it's clearly polite enough for my boys. This wonderful new method of suggesting that one should be quiet has morphed into other equally mannerly statements such as, "Do kiss my butt", and "Do go away"...etc. Of course the proper accent is included...because it's just required.

Recently this graciousness has taken on more of a formal invitation-ish format; because what is more pleasant than receiving an invitation?  "I'd like to invite you to shut up". See how lovely that is?

This invitation often comes with highly elaborate and, quite imaginary, "packaging". For example, "I'm sending you an invitation on fancy stationary. The envelope has your name written in elegant gold calligraphy and is stuffed with silver and white heart shaped confetti. The invitation itself is embossed... it's a simple two-word message...”  Translation:  "I love you, but shut up!"  One time Army Guy sent me an invitation presented by buglers on white horses. It was a royal fanfare worthy of the queen herself.  Translation: “I acknowledge your princess-ness, but please shut up, your Royal Highness”. 

I, in turn, sent an invitation to Army Guy, which was delivered by a marching band and four dozen flag girls. The flags were made of a glittery red fabric and had large silver and rhinestone letters. Each flag had one single, sparkly letter: S, H, U…you get the idea. The other forty-two flags were for punctuation purposes only: exclamation points, to be precise. Translation: "S H U T - U P !!!!!!!!!!!" 

One time Matthew had his message delivered via the space shuttle and seven astronauts participating in a massive ticker-tape parade. But the very best and most creative invitation came from the daughter of my dear friend, Kelly, who invited her dad to a "Shush Party" where she was serving Shush Cake and Mu-shush-room Pizza.  Squeeeee!!!  Genius wit from an eight-year-old.

Here’s a special Thank-you to the Brits, who have inspired creative etiquette and social graces in our home. Bravo my Brit friends. I do believe the Queen herself would approve. Do feel free to like and share. :)

Thursday, March 8, 2018

Throw Down on the Four Square Court

We have a serious issue in this household. It seems that three out of three children in this family hold the prestigious title of "King of the Four Square Court" at school. Of course this is problematic. They can't all be king, especially since they have parents who were both the King/Queen of the Four Square Court in their day. (Incidentally, their mother was also "Queen of Tetherball". Yes, this is a lifelong title and yes, I do get to claim it at my age.) #greatnessisageless

There was only one way to settle the issue...purchase a red rubber ball and host a family Four Square Tournament. GAME ON!

It was a lively game full of surprises and "new rules". Army Guy and I were stunned at some of the rules and moves these younger whipper-snappers have created. I'm just gonna come out and say it... these little brats have bastardized the game. No...this is not an exaggeration. They have forever altered Four Square to resemble something more like Dodgeball on a tiny four square court. #kidsthesedays

Hey... here's an example of what I'm talk'n ‘bout here:

1) CHERRY BOMBING:  This is when an opponent grabs the ball and slams it into your square. No...this isn’t a "spike" like in volleyball. It’s more of a holding and slamming kind of move. "I'm sorry, but you can't HOLD THE BALL in Four Square", I proclaimed. Army Guy and I deemed this an illegal move.

2) TINY TIMMY: When an opponent holds the ball and runs over to your square and drops it just over the line from a height of about 6 inches. I rolled my eyes and promptly yelled "ILLEGAL MOVE!" #fortheloveofmuffins  

3) QUADRUPLE TAPS: When a player is allowed to touch the ball up to four times while it is in play in his square. This allows the player to juggle and maneuver the ball. He can also set up a spike, like in volleyball, only he sets and slams the ball himself. "ILLEGAL MOVE!" #areyoukiddingmewiththis?

This kind of made-up-crap went on and on and on. After about fifteen minutes of this nonsense, Army Guy called "Retro Rules". We took the game back to the 70's y'all... and we meant business. We schooled these youngins on the proper way to play and we set them straight. #priorities #raisingthemright

I am pleased to announce that Army Guy is still King of the Court…and I am Queen. Of course three boys would argue that it's because we played by "old dude rules". Whatever helps you sleep, son. #oldschoolrocks 

For those interested, The official Four Square Rules are listed here. Incidently, Cherry Bombing is generally frowned upon by all Wikipedia commenters. #thatsright #vindicatedbywiki 
Copywrite 2018 - Loretta Monroe