Saturday, April 8, 2017

It's a Conspiracy... and We're ALL in on it!

Dear Male Children of the World,

Gather 'round the fire pit for a little chat. Be ready to receive the most excellent tip for the betterment of your lives. In fact, this one tip will be instrumental in your ability to actually WIN a bride one day. This it GOLD! And life changing! Listen up.

There will be times in your life when gym shorts and Nike's are not going to cut the mustard. I know... this is difficult to hear, but the truth will set you free. Sometimes there will be occasions when you'll have to wear the dress pants. I know... I hear your groan... and I can certainly sympathize. But this is something you must learn now, or you will be alone for the rest of your lives. I understand how that sounds AWESOME at the moment. You're 12... I get it. But one day you really will want a wife... YOU WILL. And no self-respecting girl will meet a guy in gym shorts at the alter. Not gonna happen. If you are able to pull that off you will be the hero of the male people world-wide. But I'm sorry to tell you, many strong and handsome men before you have tried... and failed... so this is most likely not in your future.

You see, female children have been dressing up since the day they were brought home from the hospital.  Their mothers dressed them in adorable, lacy, beautiful clothing with bows and sparkles and everything your mother finds fantastic. But the mothers of little boys are behind the curve. We dressed you for comfort so you could run around a play. Oh sure... some moms dressed their sons in sweater vests and bow ties, but by the time those boys were three, they revolted against their mothers and insisted on the gym shorts and blue jeans. This is how life has been for you for 12 years now... and it has been glorious for you. I Know!  You're welcome for the comfortable years I was able to provide for you. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you are almost men now; and men have learned to suck it up and wear the dress-up clothing.

Why must you wear them today? Because your band teacher says so.

No, you cannot wear blue jeans to the band competition instead of gym shorts.

Because her letter specifically says to "dress nice".

I understand that your blue jeans are new and are pretty nice.  But that's not what she means.

Why is she requiring this? Because Mrs. Carter hates you.  It's true.. she does.  All of the band kids are aware of this.  Even the boys. Oh sure... they don't want to wear the "fancy pants" either, but once their mothers told them it was to make your head explode... they were totally IN.

Why would your friends do that? Because guy friends are butt-holes. Get used it it. This is how life will be with the guy friends.

Oh sweetheart you look so great in the "fancy pants". You do. But honey.... the Nike's... they don't really work here.

Why? Because they are orange and also because of the whole "Mrs. Carter hates you" thing.

Remember those "fancy shoes" I bought for your Christmas band concert? Try those!

What do you mean they are too small? You wore them four months ago!

OKAY... lets look in your dad's closet, man-child of mine with the giant feet.

Oh wow... that works.  You look wonderful, my son. You make me proud.

But honey... lets talk about the socks....


So, Dear Reader, how is YOUR Saturday going?

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Frequently Asked Questions

Did you REALLY name your boys "Huey, Dewey, and Louie"?
Um... yes because it is my goal in life to raise children who will need to spend tens of thousands on therapy. :)

No, those are not their real names. These names just perfectly describe my life with three boys.

Why haven't you posted any recent pictures of your boys?
The Ducklings are approaching middle school and I cannot think of anything more horrifying to a 7th grader than a mother who has shared his potty training story with the world. Though I delight in sharing the hilarity of living with these guys... I don't want to harm their middle school experiences.

Are you still trying for a girl?
Ummmmm... obviously you do not know how OLD I am!  No, our family is perfect just the way it is. And also, adding a girl to this household would upset the balance of power, potentially causing a rift in the space/time continuum and destroying the entire planet. It’s just not worth the risk.

Why did you start this blog?
The blog began in 2008 when my husband was deployed to Iraq. It was a way to keep him informed of the happenings at home. When I started the blog, we had just moved to South Carolina and I was 3000 miles from my family and friends and alone with three little boys aged 1, 2, and 3. Ah...good times. You can catch up on the hilarity by starting at the beginning of the blog here. Have fun with that!

You mentioned you wrote a book.  What is it about?
I have a passion for moms with young children. Parenting a 2-year-old is often maddening and I want moms to understand this one thing… "If your kids are making you crazy... congrats, you are normal". The book takes a humorous look at surviving the preschool years and hearing God's message in the madness. The book is based on some of the stories in this blog... back when the boys were small and Army Guy was deployed. Upon looking back, I have found that there is a Godly message in many of the stories I recorded. It is my hope to share a message of God's grace along with understanding, empathy, sisterhood and support to moms who just might need a hug now and then.  The working title is "The Mommy Circus, Hearing God's Voice Above the Roar".  This title may change... stay tuned.

When will the book be released?
The book is now in the editing process.  After that I will propose it to an agent and then hope to get it sold to a publisher.  At this point, if all goes well, we are looking at a publish date of 2019.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Why I Can't Say "Yes"

If I made one of those word-art deals that shows my most often used words, "NO!" would be prominently displayed in the largest font, smack dab in the center... It's my daily mantra. The slightly smaller words would include fart, Nerf darts, and SERIOUSLY?!?!?

Here's a sample of words I speak on a typical day:
  • "No, you cannot wear your swim trunks to church."
  • "No, you may not have a Mountain Dew right before bed."
  • "No, you cannot shoot your brother in the face with Nerf darts."
  • "No, he didn't think it was funny!"
  • "No, your homework is not acceptable if you completed it in invisible ink."
  • "Not even if you send your teacher that special pen/light to read the invisible ink."
  • "No, its not OK to fart at the table."
  • "Seriously?!?!?"
  • "No, we can't have a puppy because he will choke on all the Nerf darts and DIE!"
  • "Oh... you'll pick up the Nerf darts?  My experience says you won't"
  • "Seriously?!?!"
  • "No, I'm not going to buy you an iPhone!"
  • "WHY?  Because you are in the FOURTH GRADE!"
  • "NO!"
  • "No, I didn't think that fart was awesome."
  • "No, I'm not kidding." 
  • "No, it's not okay to buzz your brother's head with your drone."
  • "No, because you still haven't picked up the Nerf darts"
  • "No, You cannot have syrup on your Cap'n Crunch"
  • "No, Ketchup is NOT a vegetable.
etc, etc etc....

I'm such a kill-joy!  

Sometimes I hear myself and I think..."dang I'm glad she isn't MY mother". Being a bummer is exhausting. Sometimes I just want to be cool... fun... agreeable... definitely NOT a bummer. Sometimes I want to say "yes".

Yesterday was such a day.  I was grocery shopping with Louie (4th grade) and I was in a "I just can't be this guy anymore... I want to be FUN!" kind of mood. So I didn't say "no"....not even once. Here's the result of that little experiment.

I just gave my family diabetes! 

Apparently being the "bummer" is my role in this family.  It must be done or we all die in a sugar coma.  Sigh...  In other news, I'm ready for Halloween!!! :)
Copywrite 2018 - Loretta Monroe