Saturday, February 17, 2018

The Brief Career of Four Tween Pastry Chefs

"Mom, we want to make cookies!" 

That's all it took...I WAS IN!

"YES!" I exclaimed, "You may use my entire kitchen and everything I own if you will produce for me a warm and delicious cookie while I sit here on my bottom watching the Olympics." 
(translation: NOT watching you!) It was a fantastic idea and I was IN with my entire being! 

Why were there four tween chefs and not three? Because the very charming and delightful neighbor boy was visiting our home (sarcasm font NOT engaged...this child is very delightful). Bonus:  this child knows how to make cookies, he loves to make cookies, and was very eager to share his skill with my boys. When I say this news was heaven for me, I am not at all exaggerating! My thought process: you mean I can actually sit here...doing nothing...and my children will produce yummy cookies for ME?

The picture in my head looked a little something like this...except in my head the cookies were all glow-y and I'm pretty sure there was angelic background music.

Photo by Wendy Rueter on Unsplash

Who wouldn't love that?

So I set them up for success. I pulled out every ingredient and tool this process would require, then I preheated the oven and gave them a little direction. "Cream the butter, eggs, sugars, and vanilla together and then add the dry ingredients. Oh...and also, those are half-sticks of butter. The recipe calls for two so I have given you four". And with that, I left them to their task with the knowledge that I had achieved success as a mother. I had given them the skills and tools in which to please me with the chocolatey-chippy-goodness of life. All I had to do was wait 20 minutes...

Insert giant "record scratch" sound here

When I say something went horrifically wrong, that would be the understatement of the universe. So many things went so super wrong. I was left standing in a completely destroyed kitchen, with a serious burn smell wafting through the air and an are-you-kidding-me-right-now? look on my face. But the burned product really wasn't the worst of it. After some serious sleuth-like investigating I discovered the baseline issues.

It seems that the Tollhouse Chocolate Chip bag (on which the recipe was printed) was torn at the corner. This destroyed some critical information regarding the amount of flour to use. It seems that the "2" part of the "2 1/4 cups flour" was missing. So our mixture had a scant 1/4 cup of flour. But when I found nine butter wrappers on the counter I realized just how much of a disaster this had become. NINE BUTTER WRAPPERS! So when I said "these are half cubes, you need to double that" nobody heard the "Here are the four cubes you need". And then I guess somebody either miscounted or threw in an extra cube for the butter-tsar...or something. 

So we had a mixture that consisted of nine half-sticks of butter and a quarter cup of flour in addition to the other ingredients. This created the most unfortunate sheet of greesy, burned sugar-butter-tar the world will ever see. I am saddened to report that I failed at getting a picture of the blackened butter mess…mostly because I was just in shock.

So not only did this mama not get her cookie fix, but I am now out of butter and my new cookie sheet is in the trash. Sigh… I'm a failure at momming!

Please send cookies. I’m not above begging. For real!

Friday, February 2, 2018

Andrew's Cafe v. Matthew

All good things eventually run into a bit of a snag. One day things are just humming along and the next day you find yourself in court. Such was the case for Chef Andrew when he was forced to sue a customer for skipping out on the bill.

For those of you who are new to the House of Crazy, you can catch up on Andrew's Cafe here. Chef Andrew has some sketchy business practices, chief among them is his policy of sending an invitation to "be my guest" at his cafe and then springing a bill on an unsuspecting customer. It's both underhanded and genius.

So recently Andrew opened for lunch. His first client was his brother, Matthew. Andrew offered to prepare a very lovely grilled cheese sandwhich with a side of humus and chips. The chef served his brother and then, once the customer was fat and happy, he presented the bill. This created quite a scene in the cafe. Quickly the spat became a full-on fight and the two ended up in my bedroom in front of their dad, pleading their case in his "courtroom". (Army Guy loves to hear grievances in his court. He enjoys any opportunity to be "Judge Wapner".)

Andrew presented his case:  "Matthew.... (Army Guy Cut him off and instructed him to use the term "The Defendant").  Andrew continued with a roll of his eyes..."The DEFENDANT won’t pay me after I made his lunch."

Army Guy:  Turning to Matthew.  "Is this true?" Did you skip out on the bill?"

Matthew:  "No... I tried to pay him but he can't break a $5".

Me:  Bahahahahahaha

Andrew: "I don't have change and Matt...The Defendant... won’t pay me. He has to pay".

Army Guy to Andrew: "As a business man are you prepared to take payment in cash form?"

Andrew: "Yes, but he has to give me dollars. His bill is one dollar and I only have three dollars to give him for change"

Army Guy to Matthew:  "If you include a tip, could you pay the bill and accept three dollars in change?"

Matthew:  "He is SUING ME! I am NOT going to tip him 100%!"

Me (thinking) He knows tipping $1 on a $1 tab is 100%. He's paying attention in school!  PROUD!!!

Army Guy: "Andrew did you explore ways in which you could create change? For instance, did you seek assistance from your other brother, your mom or myself?"

Andrew: "No, but..."

Army Guy: "Don't you think a business man should open his store prepared to accept payment in cash form, which includes making change?"

Andrew "Yes, but..."

Army Guy:  I find in favor of the defendant. Since the plaintiff is unable to make change for the defendant, the plaintiff will give the defendant three days in which to come up with a way to pay this bill."

Matthew:  "Mom can you break a $5"



I am happy to report that the District Court of Army Guy settled the dispute and Chef Andrew received payment. Though his pop-up café had mixed reviews, I think the legal battle is what caused him to close up shop.  It was just too much for the young chef.  Sadly, I have not enjoyed breakfast-in-bed prepared by my little guy since his legal problems began.

In other news...Matthew did NOT tip and was last seen grilling his own dang cheese sammich.

Copywrite 2018 - Loretta Monroe