Monday, April 2, 2018

I Just Can't Get "Chopped"!

Photo by Val Vesa on Unsplash

Cooking competition shows are quite popular in our home. The boys love Chopped, MasterChef, and The Great British Baking Show. The Netflix original, "Nailed It", was also a huge hit! We highly recommend this one if you want to full on laugh out loud.

Anyway, the boys have learned a few things from these shows, the least of which is how to prepare actual food. Rather, they have learned how to properly critique food…my food, to be exact. So now I live (and cook) in this crazy reality where I am in a competition every dang night. It doesn't matter what I serve, the boys give me their best Gordon Ramsey treatment over the dish. 

Dinner at our house on any given night

Me:  "Family, today I have prepared for you a delightful casserole of layered pasta and bolognese with mozzarella, parmesan and ricotta cheeses. On the side we have a toasted Parisian bread which has been lightly buttered and sprinkled with garlic and herbs."

Matthew: Takes a heaping fork-full of my food, bringing it to his face for a super close inspection. He sniffs, stares at me over the fork, and takes a bite, being careful not to let his lips actually touch the fork. He glares right through me, guarding his expression so his face gives no clue of his reaction. "Interesting". 

Daniel: Suggests that the dish is good but could use a tad more salt. 

Andrew: Comments on how the bread has really overshadowed the dish.  "Your lasagna should be the star here...not the bread." 

Gleefully I think, this is IT! Tonight I will FINALLY be cut from this nightmare! No more cooking for me... WHOOOP!  

Army Guy: Looks straight at me and delivers the verdict.  "You did enough to make it through to the next episode." Hanging my head in defeat, I receive the "sentence" like some sorry defendant on trial for murder. Secretly I plot my next meal, which I will prepare with less "gusto" and more "half-ass-ery". Yes, I think, they will chop me for sure tomorrow. I plotted my defeat with enthusiasm.

The next night was my perfect opportunity to finally be chopped. I didn't get home until 6:30 and decided I didn’t really have time to make chicken tacos after I called, “free-for-all...come and get it! Everyone choose whatever leftover you want." Daniel and I had Monday's pork chops while Matthew selected just mashed potatoes and Army Guy made a bowl of ramen noodles. Certainly I will get chopped tonight. There is NO WAY Gordon Ramsey would allow me to continue after an offering of reheated food from Monday... for the love of muffins!

Internally I am super excited because I know there is no way they can find an excuse to keep me this time. Certainly tonight is my final night in the kitchen... I HAVE DONE IT!  With a stoic expression, Daniel delivers the decision, "You will...... NOT.... be leaving us tonight." He looks at the empty space next to me and says "I'm sorry Invisible Jimmy, you have been chopped!"

"SERIOUSLY! I REHEATED LEFTOVERS!" I exclaimed, "Why does Invisible Jimmy get to leave the show?" Without skipping a beat, Daniel announces, “Tonight's secret theme was leftovers!"

I am beginning to think this whole show is rigged!


  1. LOL! Tough crowd! I've been trying to get chopped for years! I think my recent vegan habits are about to do the trick!

  2. I don't know about your crowd, but I'm pretty sure "lawn mower clippings" would do the trick with my guys. HEY... THAT'S IT......!!!

  3. Tank just spent a week with his best friend's family in Florida. They didn't eat out every night, but rented a condo with a kitchen. He came home and exclaimed that he missed my cooking. It didn't take long before he was asking why I had chosen to make chicken and veggies for dinner. Sigh. Short lived appreciation.

  4. LOL! Secretly I hope my boys get stuck with ALL the cooking in their households. Maybe their spouses can't or won't cook and that chore will fall to them. Then I will come over and give them "the treatment". These are the things that keep me going... the coming revenge. bwahahah


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