Sunday, April 15, 2018

That Time I Realized My Thirteen-Year-Old Was 6'2"

Photo by Chen Hu on Unsplash

Dear Mommies of the tall children, I need your input. If you have adult children who are extremely tall, please help me navigate this tall-baby season of life. Here's what's going down in my world...

One day my baby boy was a precious bundle of cuteness and love. Fast forward two months (I swear) and this same child is one giant, freakishly tall, man-child. Oh, and he's only thirteen. Y‘all...last year I had an anxiety attack when I realized the child and I were the same height. (I'm 5'10. Well I was 5'10" in high school anyway. The jury is still out on what three decades and gravity might have done to my height. But, I was once 5'10" and, lacking any concrete data to suggest otherwise, I'm just going with that.) But I digress. So one year ago, when he was twelve, we were the same height. That means my child has grown four inches in one year. This gives me all the feelings, none of which I am prepared to face at this time.

This boy/teen/giant-man-child is exactly the same height, size, and weight that his dad was when we got married. So I am not exaggerating at all when I say that my “boy” is the size of a large thirty-year-old man...except with a baby face. This gives me hives.

Putting my feelings aside for a moment, I'd like to focus on the practical. Like, I have questions y‘all! Serious questions! Here they are in no particular order.

1. If the child is 6'2 at the ripe old age of thirteen, what might his expected "adult height" be? Are we talking 7'9" or will this massive growth spurt settle down into something a little more manageable?

2. Should I ditch the idea of ever buying pants and just make him wear shorts until he is 21?  I mean, the purchase of pants, at this point, seems rather counter-productive.

3. Should I just buy stock in Levi's and maybe get on an auto-ship program that sends pants in a new length each month? Does Levi's have an auto-ship program? Why not? That's a genius marketing concept!

4. Why hasn't the junior high basketball coach been all over this child like stink on a skunk? I mean... he's a full foot taller than all the other 7th grade boys. That alone would strike fear into the heart of every other junior high basketball coach in the league. He doesn't even need amazing athletic ability. He could just stand there and be the rebound king. (It worked for Shaquille O'Neil... amiright?)

5. Why does this child have zero interest in basketball? It seems a waste of a God-given blessing to not use this height to his fullest advantage. Clearly he doesn't know our retirement portfolio has included the letters N, B, and A since our two-year-old was mistaken for a first grader.

6. The child wears a size 12 shoe. When will his feet stop growing? Will he end up in a size 17? Does Nike even make a size 17? Does his future involve roaming the streets barefoot, due to the lack of proper footwear? Where does Shaquille get his shoes? Will I have to sell a kidney for those enormous sneakers? 

7. What will this growth do to my grocery bill?  In your experience, is there some sort of formula for the amount of food this child will require?  "X" pounds of food, per inch, per month... or something? 

8. Does Kroger have a payment plan or could we maybe work something out? "Hello Kroger, I'd like to put 400 steaks and 84 gallons of milk on layaway. Thanks!"

9. Will there ever be a second, (other than between the hours of midnight and 5:00am) in which this child will not be "starving"?

10. Will he even fit into his college dorm room bunk bed? If not, will he just sleep in a park (in shorts and without shoes) because he needs wide open space to accommodate his giant-ness? What would that do to his social life?

These are the things that keep me up at 3:00am. (Well, that and an energy drink consumed at 7:30pm) So, all you mommies of the fully grown tall people, help a sista out. Any input you can provide is greatly appreciated. 

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