Saturday, February 28, 2009

I Just Can't Find the Funny

Okay, I haven't posted for a while and am beginning to get desperate pleas from friends across the nation who "live for my posts and seriously NEED a new story". (Really? This is what you need?) Anyway, the reason I haven't posted is I just can't find the funny lately. And let's face it... who wants to read a story about how the Ducklings are driving me up a wall? But a story the masses want (well, the dozens anyway), so a story they will get.

So I've decided to write about exactly WHY I have lost the funny! Here is reason NUMBER ONE I've got no funny right now... POTTY TRAINING! Sweet mother of… Aaauuggghhh where do I begin? We're all grownups here; can we just pause for a minute while I curse like a sailor?  Here goes:

 The (bleep) little (bleep) is just the (bleep) cutest little angel at school. Such a little (bleep). He will (bleep) sit on the (bleep) potty for the (bleep) teachers. After six (bleep) hours, he is still in the same (bleep) clothes and has not had a (bleep) accident. Then when the (bleep) little (bleep) gets home from school, he somehow (bleep) forgets how to (bleep) use the (bleep) potty. He'll just sit there like a (bleep) and insist he does not need to (bleep) go. Of course the little (bleep) will (bleep) pee or (bleep) himself five (bleep) minutes later. So I'm (bleep) cleaning up (bleep) (bleep) about eight (bleep) times a day! (Bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)!!!

Aaahhhh... that feels soooo much better! Thanks for that! I can actually hear my mother laugh and laugh while she thinks "payback is (bleep) ya little (bleep)   :o)

So, for those of you who might have difficulty reading "sailor speak", here is the translation: 

My sweet, precious Dewey is just the cutest little angel at preschool. He is so smart! He will sit on the potty for the teachers. I can pick him up six hours later and he has not needed a change of clothing. Then when my precious, precious son gets home from school, he somehow forgets how to use the potty. He'll just sit and sit for about 30 minutes and insist he does not need to go. Of course five minutes after he gets off the potty... you guessed it... oooops... pee pee (if we're lucky). This will happen about 8 times a day! Silly, silly little boy!

Poor baby gets so mad at me for making him sit on the potty. He will give me the meanest look he can muster, with really "angry eyebrows" (it’s the cutest thing ever) and say to me, "You mate me so mad!" and "I not wuv you amore!"  To which I reply... "Bahahahaha... wipe a tear… ahahahahaha!" He usually ends up laughing too, but will still remind me several times during the day that he "not wuv me amore!"  Ok... so that part is pretty stink’n cute.  What is NOT cute is the countless times I end up swishing itty-bitty Lightning McQueen underwear in the toilet to (eh hem) "un-soil" them. GROSS! GROSS! GROSS! The other day, after such a "swishing", the toilet became clogged beyond what was "plunge-able" because I had NO IDEA you are supposed to buy "flush-able wipes"! Really?  Aren't they ALL flush-able?

 Anyway, I had to plunge about 18 times over a six hour period to finally unclog the (bleep) toilet (sorry, I slipped there). So it occurred to me; why do I even bother to "swish"? I mean, really! Lightning McQueen underwear are about $4.79 for a 3-pack. Is saving a couple bucks so important to me that I can't just throw them out? Well from now on that's what I'm doing! I'm buying about 18 packs of teeny-butt Underoos and am considering them disposable! Brilliant!

More to come when the funny returns.


  1. Oh no- your post just reminded me that potty training is just around the corner. Somehow I'd completely blocked that from my mind. Isn't that how they say we cope with trauma?

  2. I laughed so hard through this whole post. Matt was the EXACT same way. His teachers were so "oh he does so well mom, we don't even need pull-ups anymore, blah blah blah" and 30 seconds after being home he's peeing on everything! I was literally ready to jump off of a cliff. When I called my child development expert friend, she said "whoa, Greta, chill--do you know of any kindergarteners who still wear pull-ups?" so then I was calm for about 24 hours. Then I realized that there must be some special school for 5 year old pull-up wear-ers that NO ONE SPEAKS OF. :) But eventually he got the hang of it. We still had issues at night, so I got him a bedwetting alarm about 6 months ago that rocks. It screams if he pees a little bit and wakes hime up. Surprisingly enough, it doesn't wake Hillary up, but I figured even if it did, it was a good time to start her with that whole process too. I have no idea when he'll stop wearing it---it's more for mommy's sanity these days. :)


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