I can actually hear an "amen" from my very talented (general contractor) dad, 3000 miles away. So Dad, this post is for you. Try not to roll your eyes and wonder where you went wrong. You can't blame yourself. Just enjoy a good laugh and then come out here and teach me a few things! :o)
So, as of my last post I had decided to wait until Army Guy gets home in June and have him paint and hang curtains. But then... the drill started calling to me. It made me all empowered after building the storage cubes... it made me THINK I could handle hanging curtain rods. How hard can it be, right? I know how to drill a hole. (I should have known better. This is not my first disastrous attempt at curtain rod hanging!)
A good contractor will begin by having all the proper tools for the job. So I gather my tools and get to work.
Drill - check
3/16 drill bit - check
pencil - check
hammer - check
Philips screw driver bit for the drill - check
plastic building block toy (to be used as a measuring standard) (what? ... It worked!)
Measure with the building block (about 3 inches) and mark the wall.
Drill holes for the anchors. So far so good.
Push the anchors into the wall.
(Uh oh... anchors are stuck half in and half out. I hammer them and the result is anchors that are half in and then smashed flat against the wall. CRAP! So then I think... "well... I suppose I need to remove the anchors and drill the hole deeper." So I rummage through the garage in search of the needle nosed pliers. "Got it!" Ever try to pull an anchor out of the wall? I nearly launched myself across the room with this brilliant move! So then I decide... "well, can't get the anchors out... can't hammer them in... I guess I need to trim them with a pair of scissors and just Spackle over them...then drill new holes." Genius! Ever try to trim an anchor that is half stuck in the wall? Ya... not so much a good idea! So then I decide.. "screw it... Army Guy can fix that when he gets home. I'll just drill more holes and start over." I'm happy with this plan!) Moving on....
Start over with step one. Get a bigger building block and mark holes 4 inches away from the window frame. This works for me.
Decide that anchors are from Satan himself and ditch them. Instead, I decide a better plan is to just go with screws only. Because that will be so much easier.... and my curtains are not heavy... so they are not necessary.... right?
Step Five (a)
Invent a few new swear words. (It is at this point I realize that I am a little like my Dad. He invented the very useful "Dad Gummit". I'm beginning to understand how that came to be.)
Pause for a second to police my children. Discover Louie doing this....
Ya... that's 1/2 dozen eggs on the floor. Toddler juggling?... Just a guess!
Repeat all prior steps (except 6) and attach 2 more brackets to the wall.... sans the anchors.
Hang the curtains.... and voila!
Stand back to admire handiwork.
DAMN! The rod is sagging because the center bracket is too low. Decide "building block as measuring standard" was not such a good idea.
And then upon closer inspection....
realize the entire rod needs to be about 3 inches higher because you can see the window trim. Not such a big deal right NOW... but after I paint the walls beige... this will not be so super good! DAMN! DAMN!
Step NinePonder my dilemma..... Start all over and raise the rod 3 inches (creating another 6-12 holes for Army Guy to patch) ... Or just go with it and make ALL the rods too low? Hmmm.....Decide not to attempt the other 3 windows and just wait for Mr. Man. My line of thinking goes like this.... "I could spend the next 8 hours (and possibly sacrifice another dozen eggs to Louie's juggling fascination) only to have 57 more holes in the wall and 4 rods that are not at the same level ... causing Army Guy 18 hours of work to repair and rehang. OR... I could just stop while I'm very, very behind and let Army Guy hang three rods and fix one in about 90 minutes.
Decide step nine is brilliant and have a Margarita to celebrate the end of my contractor career!
At Some point during Margarita break, decide it could be worse... I could have hung crown moulding up-side-down. At least I'm not THAT bone-headed! :o) (sorry bro... love ya, mean it!)
Friday, March 27, 2009
Owning a Drill Does Not a Contractor Make
Loretta is the mother of three boys aged 11, 12, and 13, and the author of the upcoming book, "Laughing All The Way To Kindergarten". In addition to keeping up with her crazies, Loretta is a lover of Jesus, hummer of Christian tunes, fan of TexMex, and wearer of leggings. Loretta documents the crazy at www.lorishouseofcrazy.blogspot.com. For more information about future books and a blog of devotionals, visit www.lorettamonroe.com