Friday, March 27, 2009

Owning a Drill Does Not a Contractor Make

I can actually hear an "amen" from my very talented (general contractor) dad, 3000 miles away. So Dad, this post is for you. Try not to roll your eyes and wonder where you went wrong. You can't blame yourself. Just enjoy a good laugh and then come out here and teach me a few things! :o)

So, as of my last post I had decided to wait until Army Guy gets home in June and have him paint and hang curtains. But then... the drill started calling to me. It made me all empowered after building the storage cubes... it made me THINK I could handle hanging curtain rods. How hard can it be, right? I know how to drill a hole. (I should have known better. This is not my first disastrous attempt at curtain rod hanging!)

A good contractor will begin by having all the proper tools for the job. So I gather my tools and get to work.

Drill - check
3/16 drill bit - check
pencil - check
hammer - check
Philips screw driver bit for the drill - check
plastic building block toy (to be used as a measuring standard) (what? ... It worked!)

Step One

Measure with the building block (about 3 inches) and mark the wall.

Step Two
Drill holes for the anchors. So far so good.

Step Three
Push the anchors into the wall.
(Uh oh... anchors are stuck half in and half out. I hammer them and the result is anchors that are half in and then smashed flat against the wall. CRAP! So then I think... "well... I suppose I need to remove the anchors and drill the hole deeper." So I rummage through the garage in search of the needle nosed pliers. "Got it!" Ever try to pull an anchor out of the wall? I nearly launched myself across the room with this brilliant move! So then I decide... "well, can't get the anchors out... can't hammer them in... I guess I need to trim them with a pair of scissors and just Spackle over them...then drill new holes." Genius! Ever try to trim an anchor that is half stuck in the wall? Ya... not so much a good idea! So then I decide.. "screw it... Army Guy can fix that when he gets home. I'll just drill more holes and start over." I'm happy with this plan!) Moving on....

Step Four
Start over with step one. Get a bigger building block and mark holes 4 inches away from the window frame. This works for me.

Step Five
Decide that anchors are from Satan himself and ditch them. Instead, I decide a better plan is to just go with screws only. Because that will be so much easier.... and my curtains are not heavy... so they are not necessary.... right?

Step Five (a)
Invent a few new swear words. (It is at this point I realize that I am a little like my Dad. He invented the very useful "Dad Gummit". I'm beginning to understand how that came to be.)

Step Six
Pause for a second to police my children. Discover Louie doing this....

Ya... that's 1/2 dozen eggs on the floor. Toddler juggling?... Just a guess!

Step Seven
Repeat all prior steps (except 6) and attach 2 more brackets to the wall.... sans the anchors.

Step Eight
Hang the curtains.... and voila!
Stand back to admire handiwork.

DAMN! The rod is sagging because the center bracket is too low. Decide "building block as measuring standard" was not such a good idea.

And then upon closer inspection....

realize the entire rod needs to be about 3 inches higher because you can see the window trim. Not such a big deal right NOW... but after I paint the walls beige... this will not be so super good! DAMN! DAMN!

Step NinePonder my dilemma..... Start all over and raise the rod 3 inches (creating another 6-12 holes for Army Guy to patch) ... Or just go with it and make ALL the rods too low? Hmmm.....Decide not to attempt the other 3 windows and just wait for Mr. Man. My line of thinking goes like this.... "I could spend the next 8 hours (and possibly sacrifice another dozen eggs to Louie's juggling fascination) only to have 57 more holes in the wall and 4 rods that are not at the same level ... causing Army Guy 18 hours of work to repair and rehang. OR... I could just stop while I'm very, very behind and let Army Guy hang three rods and fix one in about 90 minutes.

Step Ten
Decide step nine is brilliant and have a Margarita to celebrate the end of my contractor career!

Step Eleven
At Some point during Margarita break, decide it could be worse... I could have hung crown moulding up-side-down. At least I'm not THAT bone-headed! :o) (sorry bro... love ya, mean it!)


  1. Ha ha ha! You always keep me laughing! BTW I LOVE the curtains so when they do get hung up they'll be super cute.

    Also- what is with the words that they make you fill in for the word verification? The one I have to write is "phatists"

  2. Ok so in my defence, I was a crown mold rookie at the time. That was 5years and maybe 10 crown mold jobs of experiance ago. Now im so good the Queen of England herself would say "Is et just me? Or is thaat crown mowlding just a bit upside down?" ok so old habits die hard.

    Whats a "modeca"? weird


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