Because This is How Things Are Done Around Here

I can't believe it's been over three months since my last post. Let me assure you this house is still really REALLY crazy. These boys do some stuff that makes me shake my head and giggle. The problem is, as they've grown we have achieved a whole new level of crazy. One might even say we've graduated to full-on INSANITY here in the duckling home. We've got the same old stuff going on but it's turbo-charged with about 1000 times the energy. These boys are literally pinging off the walls most of the time. And me... I'm just hanging on for dear life. So, the blog has taken a back seat to... you know... survival and whatnot.

So anyway, it's been awhile since I've blogged. However, this little nugget of glee was just begging to be posted. The other day I stepped into the bathroom and this is what I saw!



The sheer absurdity of it all made me laugh really hard. In case you can't quite grasp what you're looking at, let me offer some assistance. Here we have two tooth brushes that have been taped to the bathroom wall with ... wait for it... Band Aids. What?... you didn't know this is the cool new way to store your toothbrush? Well me either. But it gets better. You see, we don't just tape our toothbrushes to the wall near the sink. Because that would be too obvious. We tape them to the wall about 1 foot from the floor BEHIND the bathroom door. Because OF COURSE we do!

It's good to see the ducklings begin to display some organizational skills. I mean... things ARE being put away. Who am I to judge WHERE they put their things? I'm just happy I'm not stepping on gooey tooth-paste smeared brushes that have been left on the stairs. I'm just say'n....

Three cheers for ingenuity and excellent problem solving skills! Woo hoo

"Mommy, I Brushed My Teeth With A Golf Ball!"

..... to which I replied, "hmm.. that's nice, go get into bed".

Yes, I just did the "I'm-totally-not-listening-to-you-because-I-just-want-you-to-GET-INTO-BED-already" thing.

I'm ashamed... I am!

So anyway, a few hours later I began to ponder my 4-year-old's puzzling message. What exactly did he mean by "I brushed my teeth with a golf ball"? After a small investigation I have cracked his code and can provide a translation to his cryptic message. Here's what he meant:

"I BRUSHED MY TEETH WITH A GOLF BALL!!!"

I know because I found a GOLF BALL in the sink with toothpaste smeared all over it. Yeah... it was lovely. So then I got to thinking about that. How DOES a person brush with a golf ball, exactly? I mean... the logistics of it all... how would that work? Especially if you're four and your mouth is small and..... oh never mind. I really don't want to know.

So is that kind of creativity a brand new level of genius....or something else entirely?

And also... I think when I finally do write my book I'll title it "Tales from the Other Side of Sanity". I think that works well.... all things considered! :o)

Today I'm Genius... Be Warned!

SOMEBODY got into the Oreo cookies and left evidence all over the place. Of course it was "Notme" that did it. That kid is to blame for everything around here. I find it interesting that "Notme" has so much involvement in our family when I don't recall his birth at all. Anyhooo... All three boys stood in front of me and insisted that "Notme" was the culprit. So I had this genius idea. I made them all show me their teeth. I inspected all of their teeth, looking for that tell-tale Oreo crud that gets stuck in the molars. "Doah", I thought, "nobody has cookie in their teeth". But before I let my face break and accepted defeat, I came up with another genius idea. I said to them "Okay.. I know exactly which one of you did it. If you continue to lie it will be much worse for you. This is your last chance." Turns out "Notme" has been vindicated. One of the Ducklings immediately confessed. LOL

Yep... it was a flash of brilliance I tell ya! :o)

Wow! Just...... WOW!

Yeah... that's what Army Guy says to me when I do something so completely stupid he can't even believe it. This is one of those "WOW!" stories. I'm reaching back about 18 months for this one. Stick with me because you will not be disappointed. This story is 100% true... you just can't make this stuff up. So sit back and enjoy yet another glimpse into my crazy world.

Scene:
Cleaning up after an army wives event and talking with some friends.

Cast of characters:
Me: the completely crazy one
Tiffany: mother of 4 boys and 1 girl. She totally gets me (she's crazy too)
Holly: Waaaayyyy too polite. And able to keep a straight face during the following conversation.

Tiffany: Oohhhhh... my stomach hurts so bad.
Me: where does it hurt?
Tiffany: all over my abdomen... front and back
Holly: are you gassy?
Tiffany: no but I get this really bad ache every time I eat
Me: is it your digestive system?
Tiffany: I don't know.. it just hurts here (pointing to abdomen). It hurts all over.
Me: Maybe it's your colon... or .... what's that other thing in there?
Tiffany: I'm not sure
Me: you know.. there's a big one and a small one... what is that word?
Tiffany: blank stare
Me: You know... Oh, that's right... your colon and your semi-colon
Holly: (weird look on her face)
Tiffany: Maybe that's it

(short pause: you shouldn't laugh at the verbally challenged... it's rude)

Me: I'll bet you have some sort of blockage in your semi-colon.
Tiffany: I could... that might be it
Me: When will you see the doctor?
Tiffany: I have an apt on Tuesday... I don't think I can make it. I get sick every time I eat. It hurts so bad.
Me: you should tell your doctor it feels like there's a blockage or something in your semi-colon
Me (thinking): "I'm not sure that's the right word... but it's close... I'll remember it eventually"

Okay... so this conversation goes on and on for about 20 minutes. Tiffany and I are SERIOUSLY discussing her "semi-colon" and how it hurts so bad. I'm not making this up! Holly stands there, politely listening to us ... she doesn't say a word. She probably thinks she's being punk'd.

Fast forward three hours. Suddenly, I remember the word. "oh... wait..." I think to myself, "I meant small and large intestines."

Fast forward another 5 minutes. "hmmm... why did I think it was a semi-colon? That word sounds sooo familiar... what's a semi-colon?....."

Fast forward another 5 minutes. Somewhere deep inside my brain... waaaaayyy in the back... a dusty file labeled "Archived Words/English" is accessed. My brain opens the file to discover that a semi-colon is..... 

OOOOHH MYYY WORRRDDD!

Then the laughing began. You know.. the kind where you are crying and you can't speak or breathe? The kind where all you can do is lay on the floor... TRY to catch a breath and hope you don't pee your pants... yeah... that kind of laughing. As soon as I could speak, I called Tiffany and attempted to explain what a complete moron I was. Tiffany really only heard high pitched squeaks.

Ah yeah... good times. The army moved Tiffany's family about six months ago. I miss her a ton. Anyone who can seriously discuss her semi-colon with me... and just instinctively KNOW what I mean without even questioning my intelligence... that's a friend who totally get's me. We were so engrossed in the status of her hurting belly that neither of us stopped to realize exactly what we were talking about. We were completely in sync.

Every now and then I get a posting on my facebook wall from Tiffany. "ooohhh... my semi-colon hurts sooo bad". And every time she does that, it just slays me all over again. That will always be funny!

One day I hope the army will move us close to Tiffany again. But in the meantime... we will always have her semi-colon. And nobody can take that away! :o)

Ruh-Ro... Access DENIED!

At approximately 8:37 pm, the above sign was posted on Huey's bedroom door. He wrote the message himself (I'm pretty sure) and only asked for help in spelling the days of the week. Those of you who may have misplaced your "kindergarten-to-English" dictionary, miiiggghhhttt have some difficulty in translating the message. Here... let me offer some assistance. I'm fluent in "kindergarten".

first sign
"No coming into my room when it is not on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday".

second sign
"only if you do not spill popcorn or coke"

Okay... spelling and awful sentence structure aside...I'm pretty proud of my kindergarten graduate who has been able both construct and WRITE his message without any assistance. What does he MEAN? Well... here's how I would have said it:

"Dewey and Louie, you are permitted to enter my bedroom on Fridays only, IF you can keep from spilling your popcorn and coke all over my flipp'n room. Thanks, Huey"

What I find hilarious is that Louie and Dewey cannot read. But... they got the message loud and clear when I read it to them. Dewey responded with "That's NO FAIR". And Louie had a comment along the lines of "Me not want Huey come in MY room... me make a password for he not come in".

And thus began the great Duckling feud of 2011. Louie had me copy this password down and tape it to the INSIDE of their bedroom door.



Shhhh... don't tell Huey! He will be denied entry unless he can come up with this SUPER SECRET password. Guys... this is SERIOUS! In addition to the password, Dewey has placed a TRAP on the floor outside of their door. Words cannot adequately describe this genius design. Just trust me... it's an unspeakable level of security!

And me? Well.... with the ducklings all focused on their border protection and whatnot... I have noticed a slight decrease in such activities as lipstick art on walls. So I gotta call that a WIN for the mama! Bummer about the feud though. :o)

Fishing 101

There comes a moment in every young lad's life when fishing skills are a must. This spring, Army Guy felt it was time to pass his vast knowledge of fishing on to his sons. So, the Ducklings were presented with the following treasures:

1 Spiderman fishing pole
1 Batman fishing pole
1 "Cars" fishing pole

Three guesses which pole EVERYBODY wanted. Yep... Spiderman... DUH! (Army Guy is new... apparently.) Once we bribed... er.. I mean convinced a couple little boys to settle for the Batman and Cars poles, Army Guy was able to begin instruction on "casting". Army Guy is a really great teacher and he gave a fantastic lesson. The Ducklings had it down! Yeah... not so much... here's what Army Guy came home to the next day:

* Fishing line wrapped around the ceiling fan about 57 times. Apparently, the phrase "we don't cast from the bridge over our living room" was overlooked during training.

* Fishing line and sinker caught in the neighbor's rain gutter. Oh yeah... and fishing line strewn throughout the lawn... wrapped around a tree...and the mailbox... with the fishing pole finally discovered under the car.

* 2 of 3 reels jammed with massive knots in the line.

* Three boys STILL fighting over the Spiderman fishing pole.

Sigh....

The boys did get to actually fish during our camping trip over Memorial Day weekend. When I say "fish" I really mean "casting their non-hooked line into trees, the picnic table and each other." They also managed to cross Army Guy's line and reel his hook in on occasion. Ah... good times! We had KFC for dinner! :o)

The Graduate

Army Guy and I would like to announce our newest graduate! On May 18th Dewey successfully completed preschool. There was a lovely ceremony, complete with "Pomp and Circumstance" followed by a quaint reception of mini cupcakes and goldfish. Dewey is excited to attend kindergarten at the "big school" next year. Huey, who finishes up kindergarten this week, had some excellent advice for our graduate!

"Dewey... in kindergarten you have to wipe your OWN butt!"

So there you go. Words of wisdom that will be quite handy in Dewey's future scholastic endeavors! Way to go Son! We are very proud!

Five Boys and a Beach

Dewey 6, Logan 4, Louie 3, Dewey 4, Lucas 2

What would possess two moms to take a 3-day trip to the beach with 5 little boys ranging from 2-6 in age? Maybe a little boredom mixed with a wee bit of insanity? Wait... insanity in my home is not newsworthy, it's merely the norm. However, this time I suckered my friend, Angela, into my crazy little reality. Bwa ha ha! I'm now conducting "crazy training". Angela is my first victim... er.. I mean student!

So it COULD have gone terribly wrong. It COULD have been 3 days of misery survivable only through massive amounts of Rum. But the truth is... we got TOTALLY lucky! The boys were so cute, they got along well and we had a fantastic time.

Angela and I rented a 3 bedroom condo at Myrtle Beach. The boys got to experience the ocean for the first time and they thought that was pretty cool. Highlights included lots of swimming, being buried in the sand, learning to snorkel and enjoying ice cream while we walked along a fishing pier. The boys thought that was awesome and are now seriously interested in all things "fishing". However, the best part of the trip was the incredible pool at our condo. It was absolutely perfect for our crew... complete with a toddler/sprinkler pool and a "lazy river".

The boys have decided it was so fun that we should visit the beach again. But next time we need to bring daddy "so we can show him how cool the ocean is".

3-Year-Old Artwork Does NOT Rock!

I mean no disrespect to my little Louie, who is very artistic indeed. And I love his art when he works with the normal preschool supplies .... you know... crayons, construction paper, water colors, etc. The kind of artwork I'm talking about here is when he uses more "unconventional materials"..... such as lipstick and carpet. This is EVIL artwork and this is the type that does NOT rock! Case in point...

What happens when your 3-year-old watches you paint your kitchen a lovely buttery yellow? His thought process goes something like this: "I wike yellow...and I really wike that roll-y thing. Me wonder if roll-y thing will work on EVERYTHING.... Hmmm... me try that at once!"

I give you Exhibit "A"

Here we have the artist proudly showing his work. When I saw this I thought.... "garage door, painted... no harm there. Yellow spots on garage walls and floor... I can handle that. Yellow foot prints tracked through the house... totally cleanable". I had a small chuckle and began to clean the paint from the artist's hands. And then.... I saw the REST of his work.

Behold... Exhibit "B".

Yeah... that's the minivan. The artist decided to explore new materials for his work. A white canvass (or gray garage floor) is soooooooo "yesterday". He decided painting the front end of the minivan would be a bit more.... edgy! Perhaps even on THE cutting edge of modern art. I must remember to ask Uncle Danny this very important question: "Art or Not Art?"
Thank goodness for Magic Eraser! I do believe their new tagline should be "Removes interior semi-gloss from the exterior of minivans". Magic Eraser has saved my butt on several occasions, however this is an entirely new level of "WOW"! Kudos to you Magic Eraser.... KUDOS TO YOU!!!

Kindergarten Artwork Rocks!

This is the picture Huey (6) just drew on my white board. Well... first he erased my "do to" list for the day... then he drew this picture for me. So, not only do I have a lovely expression of my son's devotion... I, apparently, have NOTHING to do today. Win/win!

Anyway... I asked Huey to tell me about his picture and this is what he said.

"You are the tall one, and I am standing on a little hill. I have THREE loves for you. I drew you first because you are so special".

Awwwwwwwww
Heart... melting... quick somebody get me a tissue!

This is the sort of thing that makes all those aggravating events totally worth it. This "motherhood thing" is one wild ride... and I love it! I am so blessed! (Even if I AM a freakishly tall smiley face sitting on some really long legs. I may not be blessed with a NECK... but I am blessed none-the-less!)

The 90 Dollar Donut

Dewey (4) sitting; Huey (6) center
Louie (3) right

How does a donut cost $90.00? Well... it doesn't. However, the events that led up to the FREE donut were very costly indeed.

It began like any other day. There was the typical struggle to get the boys out of bed... teeth brushed... breakfast eaten... dressed and ready.... yadda, yadda, yadda... mad dash for the minivan. I always cross my fingers and hope to get Dewey to preschool on time. Yesterday was no different. Except this time Louie and I never really did get dressed. We were running late and I just thought "I could totally get away with wearing my jammies to drop Dewey at preschool. I mean... it's a drive-up and drop-off... what could possibly go wrong?" In fact, I was so sure the drop-off would be quick, I even let Louie get into the car with no shoes. By the way, Louie's jammies were shorts and it was a sunny, 35 degree morning.

Let me just pause for a second to allow for the gigantic cyber-sigh happening about now.

So, "What could possibly go wrong?" I dared to ask myself.

Here goes:
We got to the preschool in the nick of time. And I mean, right at 9:00 on the nose. Any later and I would have had to get out of the car and personally take him into the school. "So far so good", I thought. But just as we approached the drop zone I suddenly realized this one minor detail I had forgotten.

"OH NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" I gasped, as I recalled that it was "Muffins for Moms" day. Dewey's class had been working hard for weeks preparing for this very special party to honor all the moms. They even sent out hand-made invitations. Huey's class did this last year, so I knew it was a big, giant, flippin deal! "AAAUUUGGGHHHHH it starts in FIFTEEN MINUTES!!!" (and we live exactly 16 minutes away!)

At that point I saw the insurmountable situation and I was completely defeated. I explained to Dewey that "Mommy is soooo sorry but I won't be able to come to the party today." Dewey was crushed. Though he handled his disappointment well, I could tell he was heartbroken. As he got out of the van...... I died just a little. I was breaking my son's heart and accepting defeat without even giving it a good try.

"SIGH... okay... I am a mom... I can make this happen... I really can", I thought. "I got this!" It was an impossible situation, but I jumped into tap-dancing-mommy-mode and got moving. So here's how it went down.

We drove really quick to WalMart just around the corner. Louie and I, still in our jammies, ran for the door. "We have THIRTEEN minutes", I yelled to Louie. I was a crazy woman running through the store in search of something... ANYTHING... for Louie and I to wear for this all important mommy party. I was too focused on the mission to realize I was actually one of those "WalMart Shoppers" who was most likely being photographed for the next volume of the seriously revolting (and slightly entertaining) email photo album that will inevitably be circulated throughout the entire globe! (look for me next time you see that email).

I'll spare you the humiliating details of my early-morning jammie-shop and just cut to the end. (Though I would love to see the security video of the loony woman with the half naked 3-yr-old in her cart, frantically running through the store in all her jammie glory). We got an outfit, shoes AND socks for Louie and something for me to wear as well. Wait... I got two extremely classy WalMart outfits just in case the first one did not fit. Louie and I were out the door and changing clothes in the minivan in under 15 minutes. All the while I yelled "hurry Baby... quickly.. We are late for Dewey's party".

So we got back to the school at 9:25 am. I ran my fingers through my hair and put on some lipstick and we made our way into the school. Louie and I arrived at the mommy event only 10 minutes late and I was extremely proud!!!

As we entered the party room I quickly scanned the "crowd" in search of my son. I could hardly wait to see the look on his face when he realized his mother had come after all. I made a mental note to begin writing my "Mother of the Year" acceptance speech!

"Wait..." I thought, "where is everybody?!?!?" The room was empty!!!
*
*
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Yeh... the party didn't start until 10:15
*
*
*
*
we were 50 minutes early!
*
*
*
Sigh....

I did finally get one bite of seriously expensive donut before Louie procured that little treat for himself. But on the bright side, I AM the owner of two very lovely, designer sweat-suits from WalMart. Wait.... I can totally return one! So then, this doughnut really only cost me $60.00.

In case you were wondering.... My crazy is in hyper-drive today! :o)

We Don't Need No Stink'n Calendar!

Today is January 1... I don't need a calendar to tell me that... I just know! Last night was New Year's Eve and today it is 2011.... all bright and shiny and full of possibilities! So in the tradition of new beginnings and starting the year off right, I decided we should get up and get going. "Yes, I realize we were up late last night... but that's no excuse to skip church", I tell the Ducklings. "So everybody go get dressed in your nice clothes".

This is a sample of how the morning went:

Me:"Everybody get into your church clothes!..... No, you may not wear flip flops to church..... Hurry up we are going to be late!.... Dewey, where is your other shoe?... Who knows where Dewey's shoe is?..... Here, eat a pop tart in the car... we're late, we're late!... Oh shoot, I need coffee... that's okay I can heat up this cold stuff from yesterday... Go, go, get in the car, we're late! We're late!"

15 Minutes later.....



Yeah..... those of you with calendars saw that coming a lonnnngggg time ago!



And 15 minutes after that....



Happy New Year from our home to yours! May 2011 bring many moments filled with laughter... even if you have to laugh at yourself now and then!