Conversations With A 15-Year-Old

Sometimes these guys just slay me with their one-liners... and I never see it coming. Case in point:

This morning I drove Andrew to his UIL (University Interscholastic League) district competition. Andrew is on the High School Spelling team. He can't really spell... but that's neither here nor there. He's on the team and he's proud to do his part, ok? Incidentally, when I say, "he can't spell", I'm not talking about normal English words. He's proficient in that department. I mean the bogus words they make these kids memorize. Words like...anhydrous, deuteragonist, and gypsiferous. (amusing note: spell check doesn't even know how to spell that last one. HAHAHA) 

Anyway, as we were driving to the UIL meet, we had a lively conversation about crime and whether Andrew is cut out for that life. The abridged version goes something like this:

ANDERW:  I'm pretty sure every Mattress Firm is just a fake company. It's a money laundering scheme, for sure. 

ME: Why do you say that?

ANDREW:  There are eight Mattress Firm stores really close to us and they are always empty. How can that be a legit business? (He takes a minute to calculate possible annual income if they sell three mattresses every day. Concludes that no genuine business could operate on that.)

ME: So, you're saying you don't want to own a Mattress Firm franchise? 

ANDREW: Nooooo! I want no part of that kind of crime. 

ME: What kind of crime would you prefer?

(Andrew goes on to list several ideas for crimes he might contemplate pulling off.  Things like sneaking into the federal mint and printing money. "Real money mom... not counterfeit. I could just print whatever I want". Other possible crime ideas involved replacing the gold at Fort Knox with brass bars, because nobody would notice that at all. Or… “we could rob that Brinks truck right there".  I pointed out all the ways his plans were (a) not smart and (b) would absolutely land him in prison.

ME: Okay so when you're in prison, I'm not baking you a cake with a file in it.

ANDREW: How about a blow torch?

ME: (blank stare)

ANDREW:  You should bake a cake with a file in it....

ME: (cutting him off) That would be a felony....

ANDREW: (continuing his thought before he was rudely interrupted) …and when they scan the cake, they will find it contains a blank flash drive... without a file. (rim shot)

And that's when my coffee hit the windshield.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to interpret this kid's thought process. Is he punking me with really awful criminal ideas to sweat me out? Or does he have a not-so-genius criminal mind? Either way, extra prayers for this one won't hurt.

*** Note to FBI agent: Relax. It's a joke.
       (And also... it makes me sad that I need to spell that out these days.)