It's a Conspiracy... and We're ALL in on it!

Dear Male Children of the World,

Gather 'round the fire pit for a little chat. Be ready to receive the most excellent tip for the betterment of your lives. In fact, this one tip will be instrumental in your ability to actually WIN a bride one day. This it GOLD! And life changing! Listen up.

There will be times in your life when gym shorts and Nike's are not going to cut the mustard. I know... this is difficult to hear, but the truth will set you free. Sometimes there will be occasions when you'll have to wear the dress pants. I know... I hear your groan... and I can certainly sympathize. But this is something you must learn now, or you will be alone for the rest of your lives. I understand how that sounds AWESOME at the moment. You're 12... I get it. But one day you really will want a wife... YOU WILL. And no self-respecting girl will meet a guy in gym shorts at the alter. Not gonna happen. If you are able to pull that off you will be the hero of the male people world-wide. But I'm sorry to tell you, many strong and handsome men before you have tried... and failed... so this is most likely not in your future.

You see, female children have been dressing up since the day they were brought home from the hospital.  Their mothers dressed them in adorable, lacy, beautiful clothing with bows and sparkles and everything your mother finds fantastic. But the mothers of little boys are behind the curve. We dressed you for comfort so you could run around a play. Oh sure... some moms dressed their sons in sweater vests and bow ties, but by the time those boys were three, they revolted against their mothers and insisted on the gym shorts and blue jeans. This is how life has been for you for 12 years now... and it has been glorious for you. I Know!  You're welcome for the comfortable years I was able to provide for you. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you are almost men now; and men have learned to suck it up and wear the dress-up clothing.

Why must you wear them today? Because your band teacher says so.

No, you cannot wear blue jeans to the band competition instead of gym shorts.

Because her letter specifically says to "dress nice".

I understand that your blue jeans are new and are pretty nice.  But that's not what she means.

Why is she requiring this? Because Mrs. Carter hates you.  It's true.. she does.  All of the band kids are aware of this.  Even the boys. Oh sure... they don't want to wear the "fancy pants" either, but once their mothers told them it was to make your head explode... they were totally IN.

Why would your friends do that? Because guy friends are butt-holes. Get used it it. This is how life will be with the guy friends.

Oh sweetheart you look so great in the "fancy pants". You do. But honey.... the Nike's... they don't really work here.

Why? Because they are orange and also because of the whole "Mrs. Carter hates you" thing.

Remember those "fancy shoes" I bought for your Christmas band concert? Try those!

What do you mean they are too small? You wore them four months ago!

OKAY... lets look in your dad's closet, man-child of mine with the giant feet.

Oh wow... that works.  You look wonderful, my son. You make me proud.

But honey... lets talk about the socks....

******************

So, Dear Reader, how is YOUR Saturday going?

Frequently Asked Questions

Did you REALLY name your boys "Huey, Dewey, and Louie"?

Um... yes because it is my goal in life to raise children who will need to spend tens of thousands on therapy. :)

No, those are not their real names. These names just perfectly describe my life with three boys.

Why haven't you posted any recent pictures of your boys?

The Ducklings are approaching middle school and I cannot think of anything more horrifying to a 7th grader than a mother who has shared his potty training story with the world. Though I delight in sharing the hilarity of living with these guys... I don't want to harm their middle school experiences.

Are you still trying for a girl?

Ummmmm... obviously you do not know how OLD I am!  No, our family is perfect just the way it is. And also, adding a girl to this household would upset the balance of power, potentially causing a rift in the space/time continuum and destroying the entire planet. It’s just not worth the risk.

Why did you start this blog?

The blog began in 2008 when my husband was deployed to Iraq. It was a way to keep him informed of the happenings at home. When I started the blog, we had just moved to South Carolina and I was 3000 miles from my family and friends and alone with three little boys aged 1, 2, and 3. Ah...good times. You can catch up on the hilarity by starting at the beginning of the blog here. Have fun with that!

You mentioned you wrote a book.  What is it about?

I have a passion for moms with young children. Parenting a 2-year-old is often maddening and I want moms to understand this one thing… "If your kids are making you crazy... congrats, you are normal". The book takes a humorous look at surviving the preschool years and hearing God's message in the madness. The book is based on some of the stories in this blog... back when the boys were small and Army Guy was deployed. Upon looking back, I have found that there is a Godly message in many of the stories I recorded. It is my hope to share a message of God's grace along with understanding, empathy, sisterhood and support to moms who just might need a hug now and then.  The working title is "The Mommy Circus, Hearing God's Voice Above the Roar".  This title may change... stay tuned.

When will the book be released?

The book is now in the editing process.  After that I will propose it to an agent and then hope to get it sold to a publisher.  At this point, if all goes well, we are looking at a publish date of 2019.

Why I Can't Say "Yes"

If I made one of those word-art deals that shows my most often used words, "NO!" would be prominently displayed in the largest font, smack dab in the center... It's my daily mantra. The slightly smaller words would include fart, Nerf darts, and SERIOUSLY?!?!?

Here's a sample of words I speak on a typical day:

• "No, you cannot wear your swim trunks to church."
• "No, you may not have a Mountain Dew right before bed."
• "No, you cannot shoot your brother in the face with Nerf darts."
• "No, he didn't think it was funny!"
• "No, your homework is not acceptable if you completed it in invisible ink."
• "Not even if you send your teacher that special pen/light to read the invisible ink."
• "No, its not OK to fart at the table."
• "Seriously?!?!?"
• "No, we can't have a puppy because he will choke on all the Nerf darts and DIE!"
• "Oh... you'll pick up the Nerf darts?  My experience says you won't"
• "Seriously?!?!"
• "No, I'm not going to buy you an iPhone!"
• "WHY?  Because you are in the FOURTH GRADE!"
• "NO!"
• "No, I didn't think that fart was awesome."
• "No, I'm not kidding." 
• "No, it's not okay to buzz your brother's head with your drone."
• "No, because you still haven't picked up the Nerf darts"
• "No, You cannot have syrup on your Cap'n Crunch"
• "No, Ketchup is NOT a vegetable.

etc, etc etc....

I'm such a kill-joy!  

Sometimes I hear myself and I think..."dang I'm glad she isn't MY mother". Being a bummer is exhausting. Sometimes I just want to be cool... fun... agreeable... definitely NOT a bummer. Sometimes I want to say "yes".

Yesterday was such a day.  I was grocery shopping with Louie (4th grade) and I was in a "I just can't be this guy anymore... I want to be FUN!" kind of mood. So I didn't say "no"....not even once. Here's the result of that little experiment.

I just gave my family diabetes! 

Apparently being the "bummer" is my role in this family.  It must be done or we all die in a sugar coma.  Sigh...  In other news, I'm ready for Halloween!!! :)

Parenting 101: Pull'n off the Placebo

Last week was Spring Break and we took that opportunity to march the entire family down to the local eye doctor for exams and new glasses.  Holy Wow.. that was an expensive day!

So we did the family parade through the exam rooms... one by one... then we got our prescriptions and sat down to select glasses. Lets just say the frame prices alone gave me hives and we exited, STAT, before I full-on hyperventilated.  Next stop... Walmart.

Three hours later frames had been selected by all and the glasses were ordered.  Side note:  I embraced the "old" and ordered those nifty progressive lenses for distance AND reading. Yeah I'm cool like that.

So this is where the story gets fun.  Two days later Huey's glasses are ready for pickup. So we head over to Walmart.  Huey puts on his glasses and does this, "Whoa... dizzy... headache... gotta take these off before I fall down" number.  Instantly Army Guy and I are convinced the lenses are wrong.  Of course Walmart-Lady doesn't want to return the glasses or check to make sure the prescription is correct, explaining that we should give him a few days to adjust. Great! You get what you pay for... Got it!  

Sure enough, the next day Huey is still doing the "Lawdy I'm gonna be sick" routine every time he puts the glasses on.  It's priceless... he really sells it.... stumbles and everything.  At this point Army Guy and I know the lenses are definitely NOT RIGHT!  Then Army Guy has this genius thought..."I know... maybe they got the lenses backwards". So he tells Huey to put the glasses on upside down to see if its better. Huey does this and it's instantly solved! GREAT! So back to Walmart we go to ask them to remake the glasses. Walmart Lady says, "we don't have to remake them, the lenses are the same size, we can just switch them."  10 minutes later the lenses are switched and Huey tries them on.  No go!  Still not right! (DUH.. you can't just swap the lenses, Walmart Lady! They are measured to the exact spot of his eyeballs!  sheesh)   Again she gives us the "take a day or two to see if he adjusts" story. Nifty!

The next day Huey still insists they are not right so, being the awesome mom that I am, I march my hiney  back to the eye doctor to have them check the lenses.  Of course the eyeglass lady at that uber-expensive shop gives me quite the attitude.  Her sneer said it all... "see what you get when you take your prescription to Walmart?". I could hear her sarcasm via telepathy.  It's a gift! So she checks the glasses and tells me in the snottiest way imaginable, "Well for starters the lenses are flipped".  Yeah, yeah... I tell her the story... bla bla bla... moving on.  Then she insists that even if the lenses are on correctly, they are still really, really wrong.  "Like WHOA... wrong", she says. Of course she won't tell me how they are wrong.  She just says Walmart can check them and will see how off they are.

Awesome! So I head back to Walmart, mentally preparing myself for a show-down. This issue will NOT beat me!  Just won't! I take the glasses to a new and improved Walmart-Lady and ask her to check them.  First thing out of her mouth... "well the lenses are flipped"   Yeah, yeah... I bring her up to date.  She looks at me like that is the stupidest thing she has ever heard.  (because, you know, it really is). She's like, " I cannot believe my associate just flipped the lenses... THEY AREN'T EVEN THE SAME SHAPE". Anyway, she flips them back and then checks the glasses. Low and behold they are PERFECT! Spot On! They are the most excellent example of craftsmanship that Walmart has ever produced in the history of ever! She insists it's true.  So of course Walmart will not take them back.  And now I'm in a catch-22 because the doctor will not re-examine Huey until the glasses are right. Of course the doctor's office girl insists that they are NOT right.  (If you are still with me at this point... you must really love me)

Later that night Army Guy and I discuss what we should do and decide we need an impartial opinion.  We discuss the option of a 3rd Optometrist to check both the glasses and Huey's eyes.  We resolve to get to the bottom of this even though we've already spent a stink'n fortune.  If our boy can't see... we will pay more. Just will!

But then I have this brilliant idea.  "Before we shell out more cash for another exam, let's try giving him a placebo".  Army Guy and I plot our next move and then call Huey in to discuss his glasses.  I hand him the glasses. (Which are now exactly as they were the first day we picked them up.  Remember the day he was going to be sick and couldn't keep his balance? Yeah, that day.)  Handing him the glasses I say, "Hey Buddy, try your glasses. Mommy spent the day with the eye doctor and the Walmart Lady going back and forth, back and forth, until they got your glasses fixed. They made some adjustments and they think they got it right. Try them on."  I hand Huey the glasses and hold my breath while he puts them on.

The verdict?  "Yup... it's all good mom... thanks for getting these fixed!" 

Army Guy glances at me behind Huey's back and gives me this awesome "thumbs up" pose.  Later we decide we are the most brilliant parents in the history of the universe!  No contest!  :)

Yup... nothing has changed around here in 4 years.  We're still crazy!

The Blog Lives On!

Hey Everybody... We're back!  It has been 4 1/2 years since the last post and I know you've been patiently waiting for another story from the House of Crazy.  The next post will nicely fill that void  :) But before I get to that, here's an update on what we've been doing since September of 2012.

Just The Highlights:

• Army Guy retired from the Army. I guess he is now just "Guy".  Hmmm... that's no good. Maybe "Retired Guy" is better.

• Retired Guy and I became licensed Realtors in South Carolina and sold about a dozen houses. It was great and sucky all at the same time.  Only a Realtor can fully appreciate that comment. 

• Ducklings got HUGE.  Last week Huey and I were standing in line at a buffet.  Retired Guy took a photo of us side-by-side.  I was all, "awww... how cute, we are the same height".  Then it hit me like a flip'n snowball in the face.     I WAS WEARING 2 1/2 INCH HEELS, Y'ALL!!!   My baby is officially taller than me.  My feelings on this topic are all twisted and squishy.  This cannot be!  HE'S TWELVE!!!  

• All Ducklings now wear glasses.  They really didn't have a chance at all.... blind as a bat my babies are.  Their personalities are on full display with the frame types they heave selected.  We have "Serious Corporate CEO Guy", "Never Loses a Case Attorney Guy", and "Lampshade as a Hat Dancing Guy".  Fingers crossed that little assessment doesn't fully play out.

• Somehow Ducklings are now in the 4th, 5th, and 6th grades.  What the .. WHAT?!?!  Next up.. Jr. High.  Fun!

• Oh. Yeah... and we moved to Texas nearly 2 years ago.  I went to huge effort and expense to get my Texas Real Estate License and then decided... "Meh,  I think Real Estate is not really for me." (in this state anyway).

• Retired Guy now teaches JROTC at a local high school. He loves it... but also misses being fully retired.  And just like that... BAM.. he's "Army Guy" again.  

• We plan to return to South Carolina As.Soon.As.Possible! The End...Amen! (It will probably be about 2 more years though). But still... that's the plan and we are stick'n to it. Until then we are consuming as much TexMex as we can. Gotta stock up because let's be real... South Carolina, y'all don't know how to get your TexMex on.  (AT ALL)  Truth!

• Oh yeah.. and I wrote a book.  Emphasis on the word WROTE and not PUBLISHED.  I'll probably be re-writing that sucker until I'm about 89.  It's a work in progress. 

So that about brings y'all up to date.  Life here in Texas has been quite an adjustment.  The Ducklings have settled in and are doing well.  Army Guy and I are enjoying lots of TexMex and BBQ. Leggings are now my pants of choice.  What?  Don't act like you aren't wearing them too!  What-ever... I'm middle aged now and that is liberating.  

My goal is to keep up with this blog and post every week or so. We'll see.  So come on back next week for another amazing adventure from the House of Crazy!  

We're Celebrating!

It has become standard operating procedure in this household, that we go out to dinner Sunday after church.  Don't know how this came to be... but I LIKE IT!  So yesterday, as Army Guy, The Duckings and I piled into the minivan, we began the usual after-church conversation... deciding on where to eat.  Last week it was Taco Bell... so I was hoping for something a little less "your-dinner-comes-wrapped-in-paper" than that.  Then the following conversation took place:

Army Guy:  So where are we going for dinner?
Me:  Let's pick a nice place
Huey:  How about the Japanese Steakhouse?
Me:  Well... that is a nice place, but it's really expensive.  We have to save that for a special occassion.
Army Guy:  We went there for Father's Day... and sometimes on Birthdays.
Me:  I don't think today is special.  What are we celebrating?
Huey:  Today is Sunday... we are celebrating THE LORD!
Army Guy and Me:  Bahahahahahahahahahahaha

Yeah... we totally went to the Japanese Steakhouse because, frankly, that's a point you just cannot argue.  Score one for Huey!

Here we are celebrating the Lord, Japanese style!!!




September 2, 2012
Left to right:  Louie 5 (back), Dewey 6 (front), Me, Army Guy, Huey 7

Mama Aint Play'n

So.... remember when The Ducklings got a new toy room?  Those of you who are new to the blog can read about the toy room transformation here and here. Don't miss the part about how I nearly launched myself across the room while trying to remove an anchor from the drywall. And be sure to check out my awesome skills with the drill.  Good stuff! 

Anyway... It was a great toy room.  Over time it morphed from the place where Thomas lived with all of his friends (and tracks and bridges and roundhouses and such...) to the place where the Ducklings went to war over the Wii... daily.  It went from a decor of tiny kid chairs and a pretend kitchen, to grown up leather sofas and a flat screen TV.  (Ducklings are seriously spoiled).  But no matter the decor, there was always one thing that remained constant about the toy room.  It was a pig sty y'all.  (I've been in the south for nearly 5 years... I say "y'all" now.. FYI!)  So, where was I?  Oh yeah... Ducklings are pigs!  Seriously.  I'm not sure how pudding cups find their way under the sofa when CLEARLY food is not allowed in the toy room....  But that's neither here nor there!  What's really important is that MAMA AIN'T PLAY'N! 

Ta-da!!!!
Introducing.... My New Office! 

Notice the big-a$$ computer monitor?  Yeah I took their TV too. (bwa ha ha)   There comes a point when Mama has stepped on her last Lego... or gooey puddle of yogurt... or yogurt-covered Lego.... and something just SNAPS!  Mama decides either the toy room has to go or the children have to go but we simply cannot have both.  I am proud to report we still have all three children...  pretty sure it was the right decision too.

My new office totally ROCKS!  And, even though I am allowed to eat in the office whenever I want to...  Not once have I EVER found a pudding cup under the sofa.  True story! 

Now I get to work on grown-up decor! Yay!  Fun!!!  Any suggestions?
 

.... dot com

The Ducklings have become smart little boogers.  They have completely embraced the "dot com" world they live in and are constantly asking me to look up stuff they want/like/need on the computer.  Here is a random list of the web addresses they've recently asked me to search:


Perhaps we should look up "warp-speed tractor.com"

•  mario.com
•  rocketship.com
•  tennisball.com
•  iwantlegos.com
•  house.com
•  package.com

I thought it would be fun to actually type in these web addresses to see what pops up.  Here we go!

www.mario.com  "this private website is NOT for sale".  However, it doesn't really look like it's being used either.  My guess is it IS FOR SALE, but Nintendo hasn't offered them enough money yet. Just a hunch!

www.tennisball.com This domain may be for sale.  But until someone buys it, there is a nice little list of companies who supply tennis balls.  hmmm... who knew? This also represents an amazing opportunity for a budding little tennis ball entrepreneur.  Huey?  Anyone?

www.iwantlegos.com  Kudos to the Legos company who are so on top of their game they've actually included any use of the word "LEGO" on various search engines.  Guess what comes up at the top of the suggested websites list? Yep... the official LEGO site.  WOW!

www.rocketship.com  NASA could use a few tips from the good people at the LEGO company because they are missing the boat here.  Google just gave me a big ol' error message.  So how is a
5-year-old supposed to research all things rocket-ship?  Come on NASA... get your act together.

www.house.com  A home buyer service.  Seems appropriate, however, I'm guessing NOT what the ducklings had in mind.

www.package.com  I was a little scared to type this one in... but it turns out this site is "The Best Place To Find a Vacation Package". Wow!  This is not what I was thinking.... but may be useful in the future.

This little exercise has been very eye-opening.  Seems you can type in any random word or sentence and get some sort of website.  Unless, of course, you are doing a kindergarten research paper on rocket ships.  Then you're pretty screwed! I'm think'n NASA needs to address this issue STAT to expand their demographic... you know... into the 5-year-old rocket-scientist market.   I guess the corporate world is just smarter than your average government agency.  GASP!  REALLY?!?!?   (insert snarky Obamacare dig here....) 

Ducklings Play Ball!!!

Okay... So recently I've been reminded that the blog has been SERIOUSLY neglected.  It's true... I've been kinda busy hanging on for dear life... what with running a successful business while three boys ping off the walls, and whatnot.  But in my defense, it was either neglect the blog or the children. I'm almost certain I chose wisely.

So I'm going to try to catch up a little by telling some of the stories I've filed away under "One day this will really embarrass my son... So I must remember it with great detail".  So let's get started, shall we?

Fall 2011
The Ducklings were 1/3 of  the Tee-Ball Team

This year Army Guy and I decided it was time to invest in some "Man Training" for the boys. So we bought some really cute white pants in size "tiny butt" and sent them out for their great American baseball education from the good folks at Little League. In the Fall they were all on the same tee-ball team.  In the spring they were placed on two different teams with Army Guy coaching Tee Ball and Assistant Coaching Coaches Pitch.  We were at the ball park 4 nights a week with practice on Sundays.  Following are highlights of the year:

Spring 2012
Huey is so proud of his trophy

Huey

Huey began the spring season as the catcher on his "Coaches Pitch" team.  I'm guessing his spring training was not quite up to par because nobody really told him what a catcher actually does. (I mean... besides being a target for the pitcher and a back-stop for the balls to bounce off of).  I'm pretty sure the extent of his training was just "squat there behind the plate".  I'm proud to report that Heuy was the best darn squatter you ever did see.  He gave 100% to squatting.  In fact, he turned squatting into an art form. He was a REALLY GOOD squatter y'all!  So here's how that went:   Bases loaded, batter gets a lucky hit. My son is in excellent squatting form.  Uh oh..... here comes the runner from 3rd base.  Huey squats and watches as the runner approaches the plate.  The pitcher hurls the ball at "the squatter".  Ball bounces off squatter just as runner crosses the plate.  Stunned, Squatter looks around in confusion.  Mother hides under bleachers while other parents giggle.  Next Game... Huey is in right field.  Mother is okay with that because she's pretty sure they have right fielders in the MLB too.  "Play Ball!"

Spring 2012
Dewey and Coach Army Guy

Dewey

Dewey played Tee-ball with his brothers in the Fall, and then by himself on Army Guy's Team in the Spring.  Dewey is a great batter and really enjoys running the bases... in his own sweet time. Fortunately, in Tee-ball, everybody gets to score!  Woohoo... he's my home run guy!

But Dewey's favorite part of baseball is being in the field.  He loves the field so much more than batting.  Mostly he enjoys searching for four-leaf clovers and little yellow dandelion flowers in the grass.  It's really important to take time to enjoy nature on a sunny spring day.  Baseballs flying past his head?  Not really a concern here.  Dewey is enjoying nature!  Sigh... "Play Ball"!

 

Spring 2012
Louie ready for the big game

Louie

Picture Louie up at bat on his tee-ball team.  He hits the tee (not the ball) and the ball rolls 2 feet in front of the plate.  The crowd goes wild, yelling "Run"!  Louie gets down on all fours and crawls really, really fast...... to 3rd base.  Fastest crawl I ever did see.  Funny as heck too!

Louie became somewhat bored with t-ball after the first couple of games.  Fortunately for Louie, there was a HUGE dirt pile near the ball field.  4-year-old boy + really big dirt pile = zero interest in baseball.  After awhile, Louie could not even be bribed with a snow cone to play ball.  He had a major dirt mountain to conquer.  Sigh.... White pants will never be white again!   "Play Ball"

Army Guy was a great coach!

Army Guy & Me

Army Guy was a real trooper!  Keeping up with two teams was not easy.  His biggest dilemma was which shirt to wear on what night.  He did an excellent job with his little T-ball players.  I sat in the bleachers and overheard parents making comments like "wow... he has so much patience... how does he do that?"  Hmmm... Yeah... how DOES he do that?

We spent four nights a week at the ball park and I got really creative with crock pot dinners.  After the third week, I stopped trying to get the white pants white (noticed most other moms gave up as well).  Half way through the season, I began to despise all things baseball and secretly hoped for losses during the final tournament.  Is that wrong? I'm happy to report that I got really into the last two games when Huey's team darn near won the whole tournament.  Now I'm ready for the fall season!  LET'S PLAY BALL!!!

After the season was over, we took the boys to a minor league baseball game for July 4th.  After two seasons of (attempting) to play baseball... they got to see what the game is really supposed to look like.  Mostly, they just liked the popcorn and hot dogs!   When asked if they are ready for the upcoming fall season, Army Guy and I heard..... crickets! 

We are currently rethinking our whole "MLB retirement plan".  :o)

July 4, 2012
The Ducklings at a Minor League Game

Because This is How Things Are Done Around Here

I can't believe it's been over three months since my last post. Let me assure you this house is still really REALLY crazy. These boys do some stuff that makes me shake my head and giggle. The problem is, as they've grown we have achieved a whole new level of crazy. One might even say we've graduated to full-on INSANITY here in the duckling home. We've got the same old stuff going on but it's turbo-charged with about 1000 times the energy. These boys are literally pinging off the walls most of the time. And me... I'm just hanging on for dear life. So, the blog has taken a back seat to... you know... survival and whatnot.

So anyway, it's been awhile since I've blogged. However, this little nugget of glee was just begging to be posted. The other day I stepped into the bathroom and this is what I saw!



The sheer absurdity of it all made me laugh really hard. In case you can't quite grasp what you're looking at, let me offer some assistance. Here we have two tooth brushes that have been taped to the bathroom wall with ... wait for it... Band Aids. What?... you didn't know this is the cool new way to store your toothbrush? Well me either. But it gets better. You see, we don't just tape our toothbrushes to the wall near the sink. Because that would be too obvious. We tape them to the wall about 1 foot from the floor BEHIND the bathroom door. Because OF COURSE we do!

It's good to see the ducklings begin to display some organizational skills. I mean... things ARE being put away. Who am I to judge WHERE they put their things? I'm just happy I'm not stepping on gooey tooth-paste smeared brushes that have been left on the stairs. I'm just say'n....

Three cheers for ingenuity and excellent problem solving skills! Woo hoo