Conversations With A 15-Year-Old

Sometimes these guys just slay me with their one-liners... and I never see it coming. Case in point:

This morning I drove Andrew to his UIL (University Interscholastic League) district competition. Andrew is on the High School Spelling team. He can't really spell... but that's neither here nor there. He's on the team and he's proud to do his part, ok? Incidentally, when I say, "he can't spell", I'm not talking about normal English words. He's proficient in that department. I mean the bogus words they make these kids memorize. Words like...anhydrous, deuteragonist, and gypsiferous. (amusing note: spell check doesn't even know how to spell that last one. HAHAHA) 

Anyway, as we were driving to the UIL meet, we had a lively conversation about crime and whether Andrew is cut out for that life. The abridged version goes something like this:

ANDERW:  I'm pretty sure every Mattress Firm is just a fake company. It's a money laundering scheme, for sure. 

ME: Why do you say that?

ANDREW:  There are eight Mattress Firm stores really close to us and they are always empty. How can that be a legit business? (He takes a minute to calculate possible annual income if they sell three mattresses every day. Concludes that no genuine business could operate on that.)

ME: So, you're saying you don't want to own a Mattress Firm franchise? 

ANDREW: Nooooo! I want no part of that kind of crime. 

ME: What kind of crime would you prefer?

(Andrew goes on to list several ideas for crimes he might contemplate pulling off.  Things like sneaking into the federal mint and printing money. "Real money mom... not counterfeit. I could just print whatever I want". Other possible crime ideas involved replacing the gold at Fort Knox with brass bars, because nobody would notice that at all. Or… “we could rob that Brinks truck right there".  I pointed out all the ways his plans were (a) not smart and (b) would absolutely land him in prison.

ME: Okay so when you're in prison, I'm not baking you a cake with a file in it.

ANDREW: How about a blow torch?

ME: (blank stare)

ANDREW:  You should bake a cake with a file in it....

ME: (cutting him off) That would be a felony....

ANDREW: (continuing his thought before he was rudely interrupted) …and when they scan the cake, they will find it contains a blank flash drive... without a file. (rim shot)

And that's when my coffee hit the windshield.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to interpret this kid's thought process. Is he punking me with really awful criminal ideas to sweat me out? Or does he have a not-so-genius criminal mind? Either way, extra prayers for this one won't hurt.

*** Note to FBI agent: Relax. It's a joke.
       (And also... it makes me sad that I need to spell that out these days.)

The Christmas List

 "When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for an individual to create a list of wishes and needs regarding Christmas..."

And this is how Daniel's thirteen page Christmas List Proposal begins. With an abstract page paraphrasing the Declaration of Independence, which is referenced on page 11.  

Let's just take a stroll through this masterpiece mmkay? 

The Title Page

This is what happens when a highly intelligent sixteen-year-old is enrolled in dual credit high school/college courses. He learns about the required APA format for college papers. I highly recommend visiting the web page listed on his title page, here, and then click the play button next to "Submit a Modification Request". 

(Doh... he got me!)

The Abstract Page

Because the greatest papers paraphrase Thomas Jefferson. I mean... you just can't go wrong with a Jefferson reference.

Pages 3-10

Here's where we get to the meat of the paper. This remarkably inventive narrative describes Daniel's reasoning for the items on his wish list. Notice how he leaves little "Easter eggs" for me to find. Also noteworthy are the random quotes which are peppered throughout . Because it's not truly a complete paper unless you cite quotes from experts.

World Domination? This child has lofty goals. 

But he does, apparently, care about the people's will. So that's good.

I love you too, my dear, but what Detroit and antidisestablishmentarianism have to do with your Christmas list is beyond me.  Nice quote from the expert.

I mean... who doesn't want a Silo-Based Intercontinental Ballistic Missile?

(Aaaannnnd...the House of Crazy blog was just flagged by the FBI for investigation. Hey Feds... no need to raid the crazy house or anything. Just a joke mmmkay?)

Does a guy who has a Silo-Based Intercontinental Ballistic Missile really need a rocket launcher too? I suppose if world domination is the goal, he probably does.

References

Got my handy dandy red pen out to make a little correction. He's going to hate that I found an error. 😂

I love how he lists "America" as the publisher here. Also noteworthy is the fictional "Not Communist Journal", which published Daniel's article, "Why You Should Give Me Free Stuff".  I wonder if that's a  3000 word article with 57 actual words. Things to ponder. 

The List

On page twelve we finally get to the actual list of things that I asked him to submit five weeks ago. Now I know why it took him this long to get his list to me. See... when I asked for his Christmas list, I was thinking he'd get a pen and a post-it note and jot down a few ideas. You know... like his brothers did. So, twelve pages later we learn that Daniel doesn't really want a rocket launcher and world domination. What he really wants is listed in a tidy table under the categories "I NEED ITTTT", "I Really Want It", and "I Want It".  I love how "Get a stock account set up" is an actual item on his actual Christmas List. So like... are we expecting Santa to set up an AmeriTrade account and purchase a few Google stocks, or what?

And there you have it... Daniel's Christmas List. I am tempted to run it through plagiarism software to see if his work is original. But since I'm pretty sure there is no other kid on earth who would prepare a thirteen page APA formatted term paper as a Christmas list, I'm just going to assume there is no plagiarism going on here. 

This kid!!!! 💗

p.s. I finished Christmas shopping for Daniel last week!  Fortunately, my astute intuition kicked in and I actually got some of the things he listed.  AmeriTrade account TBD.

Breaking News! Cheeto Guy Has Another Genius Idea

 

(*If you haven't read the recent "Cheeto Guy" post, click here to catch up.  You won't be sorry, I promise.)

So, here's an update to the Cheeto Guy post. Andrew has informed me that he wants to get this orange suit for his senior prom in two years. Kohls.com carries this suit in every color you can imagine. Incidentally, they also carry suits with the American flag, the Canadian Flag, and in a fabric featuring lovely pink flamingos. Just FYI. You can see all the fantastic suit designs here. (Note: this post is not sponsored by Kohl's, however, perhaps I should take a page from Cheeto Guy's play book and ask them. Look, a corporate sponsorship does not come to people who do not ask. Truth!) 

Back to Andrew's prom attire. This kiddo is cooking up big plans and his vision is far more grand than a mere $59.00 orange suit. You see, Andrew plans to have the Cheeto logo printed on the back. Classy, right?

So this revelation from Cheeto Guy leads me to these four thoughts:

1. If anyone can pull off an orange Cheeto suit at the prom, it's Andrew. I mean, at this point an orange Cheeto suit is expected and practically required. 
2. Any girl who will put up with this planned Cheeto Prom attire, is a treasure to be cherished. Fact!
3. If his date wears a blue dress they could totally get away with it, since the school colors are orange and blue. 
4. That thought conjures up this image... 

...I don't even know how to process that thought.  I just don't.

But I suspect that Andrew will have a few fantastic stories for his grandkids one day...complete with excellent photos to prove it all happened. So there's that! 

Cheeto Guy

It’s been two and a half years since my last post. Either I'm lame, lazy, or lack inspiration. Truth be told it's probably a combination of all three. Also, there was the whole COVID-19 extravaganza that sort of killed my sense of humor. But here I am, back at it. Not giving in to the absolute crap show our world has become. I WILL find humor in life...dang it!

So, with that, I give you the latest happenings at the House of Crazy.  Enter "Cheeto Guy". 

Cheeto Guy, AKA Andrew, is a monster of my own creation. It all began while Army Guy and I were Christmas shopping in 2019. We stumbled upon a Cheeto hoodie, and we both had the same light bulb moment at the exact same time. "Andrew would love that", we said in unison. Yep, we were right, Andrew did, indeed, love it. In fact, he has loved that hoodie so much he now has four Cheeto hoodies and wears NOTHING ELSE for going on three straight years. Lovely! The entire school knows Andrew as "Cheeto Guy". He's a living, breathing advertisement for the Frito-Lay company. Everywhere we go, someone from school knows him. They don't know his real name though, he's just "Cheeto Guy".  And now, by default, I am "Cheeto Guy's Mom".  See kids, the choices we make have a profound impact on everyone in the family.  

Early on I tried to get Cheeto Guy to wear something else. Especially to church. But nope... "Cheeto is my way of life, mom", Andrew explained. I had flashbacks to when Andrew was four and I let him wear any Halloween costume whenever he wanted to. It was totally normal to have breakfast with Spiderman, Ironman, or some random Ninja guy. How is this any different? Clearly the precedence was set a long time ago. So, I gave up the fight. Yup, I decided this isn’t a battle worth fighting. Cheeto Guy is a part of our family now and I have to live with the beast of my own creation. DRAT.

Recently Andrew informed me that he contacted the Frito-Lay company asking for a sponsorship. HAHAHAHA!  There you go, kiddo. If you're going to spend three years as a walking-talking billboard for Cheetos, they should at least pay you. Good thinking.  So, here's his plan: Andrew seeks a monthly stipend to continue his advertising campaign through the "Cheeto way".  Additionally, he would like to get an orange car and have it wrapped to reflect his Cheeto Lifestyle... for a fee of course. Andrew thinks this will generate enough cash for

        1) the car
        2) college 

 I like the way you think, kid.

At this time, we await a reply from Frito-Lay. I'm not holding my breath, but if I were the advertising manager for Cheetos, I might be tempted to accept this ad campaign. Just for kicks.

And now, please enjoy this Cheeto photo shoot with a sign Andrew made in woodshop. I mean...who wouldn't want this kid as their spokesman? 😂😂😂

Click here for the update to this story. It just gets better and better 😂

Disrupting the Order of the Universe

Daniel: “Mom, want to see the most

outrageous thing ever?”

Me: “sure”

Daniel: (takes a bite of a Kit Kat.)

A BITE!.... OF A KIT KAT!

He’s such a rebel!

Clearly I have failed as a mother.

That grin though... 
  

Red Door Frames for Passover

The world has gone mad. We are living in some pretty scary times, and it's about to get a whole lot worse.  Right now there is a plague of locusts in both the Middle East and Africa and we've had reports of rivers turning to blood. Listen, I know the internet is filled with fake news and video is easy to edit with the proper equipment; but head over to YouTube and search for "locusts in the middle east" and you will find lots and lots of videos. It's astonishing. Even CNN has reported on this issue. 

So, what exactly is going on? Locusts, "blood" rivers, a world-wide virus and earthquakes? To top it all off, we are in a situation where the world financial system could crash, making it super easy for a financial "reset", then putting the  world on a new monetary system. ONE system for the entire world. Next up is a one-world government and the mark of the beast. Am I a conspiracy theorist or are we witnessing the beginning of the end? Call me crazy, but I think we are about to see something epic. I truly believe we're in Revelation territory here. 

Since we've been stuck in our homes for going on three weeks, I've had all the time in the world to ponder this situation. This brought me to the book of Exodus and the story of Moses, who led the God’s people from captivity in Egypt. I began thinking about the plagues that God brought upon Egypt in order to convince Pharaoh to free His people.  You can read about the ten plagues beginning in Exodus chapter 7. 

Here's a breakdown of those plagues:

1. Rivers turned to blood
2. Frogs
3. Gnats
4. Flies
5. Death of all (Egyptian) Livestock
6. Boils
7. Hail
8. Locusts
9. Total Darkness 
10. Death of all firstborn

Finally, after a night of death for the firstborn in Egypt, Pharaoh let God's people go.  But why didn't the plague of death include the firstborn of the Hebrew nation? Because God made a way for them. He instructed His people to slaughter lambs and paint the outside of their door frames with the blood. Then they were told to hide away inside their homes until morning. Blood on the door frame was a signal to the angel of death to pass over that household. 

21 Then Moses summoned all the elders of Israel and said to them, “Go at once and select the animals for your families and slaughter the Passover lamb. 22 Take a bunch of hyssop, dip it into the blood in the basin and put some of the blood on the top and on both sides of the door frame. None of you shall go out of the door of your house until morning. 23 When the Lord goes through the land to strike down the Egyptians, he will see the blood on the top and sides of the door frame and will pass over that doorway, and he will not permit the destroyer to enter your houses and strike you down.                                                                                                                                        Exodus 12:21-23

That night the Children of Israel were spared from death by the blood on their door frames, just as God had promised. 

With all that is going on right now, I thought maybe it would be a good idea for Christians everywhere to signal to the world that we trust in God. We can do this by symbolizing the blood of the lamb on our door frames.  This thought came to me two nights ago, and then yesterday two friends on Facebook posted the same idea. I truly believe God is asking Christians to step up and show our faith.

I believe it is no coincidence that, here in the United States, we are expecting peak death from the COVID-19 virus exactly during the week of Passover.  God uses symbols to communicate His messages so, as Christians, let's use a symbol to communicate our faith in God. Place red over your door frame for Passover this year (April 8-16). You can use ribbon, fabric, paper, streamers, balloons, or anything you have on hand. Cover your door frame in red as a symbol of the blood of Jesus and your trust in God. 

Of course there is no power in red ribbon, but there is power in the blood of Jesus. How wonderful would it be for Christians around the world to observe Passover along with Easter this year? Some may decide to take this a step further and celebrate Passover the traditional Jewish way with unleavened bread, roasted lamb, and bitter herbs. Whatever you decide to do in your home is fine, but let's all cover our doors with red to symbolize our faith in God and our trust in the blood of Jesus.

After adding some red to your door frame, take a photo and share it with us in this Facebook Group. You are also welcome to post prayers, scripture and anything inspirational or encouraging. Then share this blog post and the Facebook group with your friends. Let's see red door frames around the world, signifying that Christians are standing together and trusting in the blood of Jesus Christ.

Let's also continue to pray for each other and for the world. It's going to get rough, but we can get through this together if we keep our focus solidly on Jesus.

Grandma's Apple Cake

If there is one thing that brings back memories of my childhood, specifically at Thanksgiving or Christmas, it would be Grandma's Apple Cake. Grandma always had her irresistibly delicious apple cake on the dessert table next to the pumpkin and boysenberry pies. Though boysenberry is my all-time favorite pie, and Grandma made it perfectly, I simply could not resist that apple cake. (Who am I kidding...? I had both. With a scoop of vanilla ice cream too). 

This cake is like no other apple cake recipe I have tried. It is loaded with chunky bits of apple and walnuts and then drizzled with a yummy cream cheese icing. Grandma also added raisins. I ate them when I was ten; but now that I can make the cake myself, there will be no raisins. It's your call if you want to raisin it up. Either way, this cake will not disappoint. 



Ingredients

4 cups apples 
2 eggs
2 cups sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp cinnamon
1 cup chopped walnuts (optional)
1 cup raisins (optional)
1/2 cup oil
2 cups flour
2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
Peel and chop apples. Break eggs over apples and stir. Add sugar, vanilla, cinnamon, walnuts, raisins, and oil. Mix. In a separate bowl, stir together flour, baking soda, and salt. Add to apple mixture and blend well. The batter will be very thick and lumpy. Place batter in a greased and floured Bundt cake pan. Bake at 375 for one hour. 

Allow to cool for 30 minutes and then remove from pan. Drizzle with cream cheese icing and finely chopped walnuts.
Serves 12.

________________________________________________________
Per serving: 315 Calories; 12.1g fat; 4.6g protein; 49.5g carbohydrates.


Cream Cheese Icing

1/2 brick cream cheese
3-4 tbs milk
1 tsp vanilla
1 tbs powdered sugar

Mix all ingredients until thin enough to drizzle over cake. If too thick, continue to add milk, one teaspoon at a time, until you get the desired consistency.

This is Grandma and Grandpa B, with my mom.  All live in heaven now. I miss them terribly. I don't know where Grandma got this recipe but I know it's been in our family for decades. Actually, I think it came from Great Grandma who would have been making this cake in the 1930's. She probably got it from a church ladies' recipe book. Good guess anyway. 

Negotiation Training 101

It was not my intent to write two similar stores about the same child back-to-back... but this child continually provides material that just begs me to blog. So, here we go. I give you Daniel and his "attorney speak" - the sequel.

It was a cold, rainy day and I was feeling somewhat lazy. Since procrastination is my super-power, I had allowed the dishes to pile up and had no interest in removing my bottom from the sofa in order to remedy the situation. Then I had this brilliant idea!!!  I could get one of the boys to do the dishes. Certainly they can be bribed, I thought. So I prepared a text for all the boys which offered "things of monetary value" in exchange for doing the dishes. And then I waited.

Moments later I received a reply from Daniel. (Of course it was Daniel. The other two just ignore such texts.) His response did not disappoint.

Ok... so one child has taken the bait, I thought.  I'm certain we can come to an agreement which allows me to continue binge watching "The Good Place", while my dishes disappear. And so negotiations began.  With an ear-to-ear grin, I replied, "both". Seconds later I received another text.

The current stock market?!?!  Who is this child? 
I didn't want to open negotiations by giving him an idea of what I was willing to pay, so I replied in such a way as to draw out his price without giving away my position.

LAWYER?!?  

Clearly he didn't want to give his price away either. Excellent, my son. Hold your cards close and wait for the offer.  

There we go! He has named his price. 

Here's your valid point right here, kid!

Listen, I know $10.00 for doing the dishes is pretty steep, however, you must understand the following:

         1) I found this entire negotiation highly amusing and 

         2) On this particular day I really was THAT lazy.

The negotiations continued:

BRITISH POUNDS???

LABOR FEE???  

So we came to an agreement. $11 USD and a mint, with the labor fee waived in this specially priced package. Clearly I was TAKEN, but again, the entertainment value alone was worth the cash. Getting the dishes done was just a bonus.

And so... my lazy butt sat on the sofa while my ultra-brilliant son did the dishes. I savored the knowledge that it is unlikely anyone will ever be able to take advantage of my son. Smart little booger that he is.

And for my critics who think a child should never be paid to do "household chores": Y'all need to lighten up. Sometimes it's okay to be silly with the kids. He learned the very useful skill of negotiation, and I got my dishes done. PLUS:  when all is said and done... I'm not sure I actually paid him. And listen, if he doesn't remember, I don't see why I need to. 

I Live With a Thirteen-Year-Old Attorney

My life is a circus. Full Stop!  That is all. 

Some day's I'm not even sure who wears the ring-master hat in this household; though I'm pretty sure the monkeys are in charge quite often. But it's okay because my monkeys are smart little boogers and they entertain me greatly. Case in point:

Every two weeks I spend Sunday and Monday in frantic preparation for the housekeeper's visit on Tuesday. I make every attempt to pick up all the stuff, which includes finishing all laundry. Sometimes I fail in this area and the laundry room floor cannot be mopped for months. The laundry.... OY... it never ends! EVER!

After such an effort to clear out the laundry room, it ticks me off beyond belief when someone decides to bring down their laundry on Monday night. This compelled me to send Army Guy a text like this:

Just two hours before the arrival of awesome housekeeper. I was LIVID!

So this week I decided to be proactive and send out an announcement to the entire family on Sunday night.

Enter Daniel, my genius (smart-@$$) 13-year-old child who, I swear, was born to be an attorney.

This prompted a lively conversation between Daniel, his dad and I. This child is too intelligent for his own good.  Anyway... there was a discussion on dictatorships, sedition, treason and the idea of a revolution with the ultimate goal of a coup to overthrow the government.  To which I replied:

And then Army Guy Posted:

This conversation concluded with the entire idea of a revolution dying a slow, silent death to the soundtrack of crickets chirping in B minor. 

And that’s how you stop a revolution!

Mommy for the win!

Note to self: it really IS time to teach these boogers how to do their own laundry. (Muahahaha)